A Relationship Shouldn’t Turn You Into a Contortionist

Unless you are headed for the Cirque du Soleil

I already knew this relationship wouldn’t be easy. He was twice my age and fresh out of a relationship that ended badly. But we were in love and determined to fight for what we had.

At least that’s what we told ourselves.

I expected us to have arguments from time to time, prompted by our generational gap. Still, I hoped we would be able to discuss our issues in a healthy manner. I kept telling myself that, should things get ugly, we would simply go our separate ways.

What I didn’t see coming was how, day by day, my partner would comment on all the things about me that weren’t to his liking regarding my weight, my friendships, or my work. I never anticipated he would gradually increase the pressure until he had a tight grip over me.

And, above all, I didn’t know I would bend to his will, first out of what I thought was love and, later, pure fear.

No, I didn’t expect to turn into a contortionist.

Welcome to the circus!

I have been guilty of giving too much in a relationship. My reasons ranged from desperately wanting to be loved to being terrified of my partner.

I know that now, of course. But at the time, I just assumed I had to do anything necessary to satisfy my significant other and make him feel comfortable — even if that forced me into difficult positions.

It all started very slowly.

First, it was because he felt lonely when I went out to have breakfast with my friends. Then, he noticed I would answer with a smile when I picked up the phone, a sure-fire indicator that I was flirting with other people.

Bit by bit, he told me about the things I was doing to make him uncomfortable. And it didn’t stop there.

He was the ringmaster.

Later, he told me he didn’t want me to listen to the radio with my headphones on while he watched TV. He wanted me to be available for when he desired to comment on what he was watching.

Also, I was to wash the dishes as quietly as possible. And laugh at all his jokes. And he explained the precise way in which I was to hug him when we kissed. And there were specific times of the day when I had to call him to “check on him.”

It was a long list…

I know it sounds crazy written like that. Some readers might be tempted to comment, “Why did you put up with that, girl?”

But it didn’t happen all at once, and it wasn’t taught to me in a blunt manner. This was slow work, the product of months, and later years, of intercalating passive-aggressive comments with carefully placed bursts of anger.

Several years later, while discussing with a friend the circus my relationship had turned into, I became aware of all the tiny concessions I had made to keep the show going as peacefully as possible.

I realized that if I could look at my body, mind, and soul in a mirror, I would probably look like a contortionist, twisted in unnatural, painful angles. The fact I had become good at it didn’t make it okay.

It just made it sadder.

Taking the jump.

Soon, I noticed that I breathed more easily when he wasn’t around and even stood taller. And then, the second he got back home, I would go back to performing my routine, all to keep him from getting angry.

After that came a realization: This wasn’t love anymore.

In my case, it was nothing but fear of him and the retaliation that would come should I stop being good. And for him? I honestly don’t know. Maybe he was trying to make sure that, this time, his partner would be exactly what he dreamed of.

What I do know for certain is that a relationship, even when things get rocky, shouldn’t feel like a dangerous act we perform to appease a crowd of one.

Truth be told, I am still untangling myself from the madness that became my reality for so many years. I have to learn what a healthy relationship looks and feels like, away from tricks and the need to juggle another person’s expectations.

So, please, I urge you to look at your heart and honestly analyze what you are doing in your relationship. If it all comes from actual love, I congratulate you. However, if, as I did, you are putting on a show to keep someone happy, I hope you get to make the necessary changes to step out of the ring.

Trust me — you don’t want to become a pro at this. It is not worth it, and you’ll never satisfy your partner. The level of difficulty will keep on increasing, and the pain won’t go away. Instead, stretch out your limbs and your heart, and become the star in the show of You.

After all, if you ever were to give this contortionist thing a try, it should only be because all of your life you have dreamed of joining the Cirque du Soleil. No other reason will ever be good enough.