ADDICTION UNCOVERED

A Life Full of Experience — Tammy’s Story

Our Society: Addiction and More Uncovered Ch 27

Tammy and I talk on the phone for the interview. We did meet prior to the phone conversation and had an in-person discussion about the book.

Tammy is the type of person who is there for people and tells them things as they are.

Her story begins in her teen years. She dabbled into a lot of different drug usage. She did not use needles. She used everything else. She was one of the lucky ones, she did not have an addictive personality. Tammy looked older than her age. She was hanging out with an older crowd that used alcohol and drugs. She feels this did not help her decision-making. Most everybody she was involved with used something. Later in life, after Tammy had children she looked back and reflected on the choices she made. It took her a long time before she could work in the field of addiction. She had a lot of anger and resentment.

She graduated nursing in 1989 and it took her several years before she applied to a job doing a detox. Once she did, she was glad. She brought the experience with her from her first marriage. Her husband dealt with addictions which resulted at the end of the marriage. At the beginning of the relationship, there was a lot of drinking and drug use. After Tammy got pregnant, she stopped using any drugs and alcohol. Her partner continued to use.

The first time he assaulted her she was 8.5 months pregnant.

Looking back now Tammy reflects that she should have ended the relationship then. She was young, she was 17, and decided to stay in the relationship. Tammy now feels that because she was so caught up in the relationship, she did not use common sense. The drug and alcohol use by her partner increased. Just right before she left him there was a party at the house and she caught him shooting up in the bathroom. That was the first time she knows of that he was using IV drugs. He was using cocaine. She decided right then she will leave. Even after Tammy left his usage increased. He was in and out of prison. He died in prison from AIDS.

This really affected the kids. Tammy was alone with two small children. At that time there was also a lot of stigma surrounding people with AIDS. This was in the 1980s. The last time Tammy saw her ex-husband he had hepatitis, he had open wounds on both of his arms, he was still injecting in his open wounds. He never had any treatment as far as Tammy knows. It was not something that was offered much back then.

Tammy made the decision never to take the kids to prison to see him. She felt it was not healthy for them. It took her a long time to get over this experience. During their marriage, he was very controlling. He alienated her from her friends and family. They had moved to a different state and she did not know anybody except his family. His family was not very supportive at all. His family was very religious. In order for the family to come to their house, Tammy had to get married first. The family was in denial. They had the belief that marriage is a long-term commitment. Even with the abuse.

One time her husband assaulted Tammy in the car, the police came by and he got arrested.

She called her mother-in-law to get the keys to the car. Her in-laws would not give the keys to the car. Tammy ended up staying with her in-laws for a few days. When she went back to get her stuff, all her things were smashed, taken to the back yard and were burned.

One of Tammy’s children has problems with alcohol and mental health issues. Tammy had not spoken to her in a few years. All the prior events effected Tammy’s life and her self-esteem. She had no self-esteem when she left her husband. She had no job, moved in with her mom and stepfather. It took Tammy a long time to get out of unhealthy relationships. She stopped dating for a long time. She was raising her kids, going to school and struggling to survive. This made her stronger. She knew she will not let anybody lay a hand on her again. She did not want her children in an unhealthy environment. She tells me that looking from the outside many times people don’t understand why she would stay in a relationship like that. People stay because they lose their self-esteem.

Her ex would tell Tammy:” you are worth nothing, nobody would want you, nobody wants you with two kids”.

She tells me abusers like that know exactly what to say to keep others down. Sometimes this is all part of the addiction. The person who is the addict they don’t want their partners to leave, and they do everything to make them want to leave. People dealing with addictions are very good at lying, saying what they want to hear. They play on our emotions. It wasn’t until Tammy was afraid for her children that she decided she has to leave.

I ask her if anything happened. It was at the same party she told me about earlier when her ex grabbed her son who just started to walk. He lifted him up in the air with one arm carried him to the bedroom and swung him on the bed. She knew then she had to leave. She was not afraid for herself, but she was afraid for her children. Her children did not remember any of the violence that happened in the home. This made it for them difficult to understand why Tammy left their father. Tammy feels that this history had helped her deal with people who are dealing with addictions and mental illness. She knows how it can change someone. It does not matter how much we love them, does not matter how supportive we are. None of that matters. It is all on the addict, she adds. She feels this can be very hard for people to understand especially parents of children. All they want to do is help their children, and all they really do is harm them and enabling them. She many times had to teach people to go against the grain. As a parent people want to try to do everything to help their child.

In this instance, the best thing people can do is nothing.

Sometimes Tammy thinks that all those bad things happened to her that later in life she could help people. It is one thing to tell somebody: “I know how you feel”, and they really don’t know how that person feels. It is another when someone had been in their shoes and can share their own experiences.

Tammy shares an experience from work that always touched her, and she will never forget. She had a young attractive lady in her 20’s come into detox from heroin. Both of her forearms were abscessed. It had to be treated. Her arms looked like somebody used an ice cream scoop and scooped meat out of her arms. Tammy used to have to put a wet to dry dressing on the wounds every day. (An open wound need something moist to prevent sticking to the flesh) The patient screamed when Tammy put the Kerlix (big gauze roll) in the wound.

It scared Tammy.

She realized that the water was too cold, and the need to warm it up before putting the Kerlix into her arm. This young patient really touched Tammy, it really showed her what addiction can do to someone and the person cannot just stop. Here was this young woman with a whole life ahead of her, yet mutilated. She tells me about another patient. A man in his 40’s. She describes him and depressed and lonely. Tammy got to know him well. After a very complex detox, Tammy told him that he is killing himself with his use. Tammy told him he might as well shoot himself. She said this statement to him to shake him up and make him think about what he is doing to himself. He was the kind of guy who needed to hear this.

He looked at Tammy and said: Well, that would be cheaper and quicker wouldn’t it?

They both laughed. I laughed too. It is not funny but it kind of is. The way she said it imitating the patient it was funny. Tammy did not see him for the longest time, she was even looking in the obituaries. The guy was in and out of detox before for years. A few years went by and a man come up and tapped on Tammy’s shoulder. She initially did not recognize him. He told her that probably she does not remember him and at that moment it clicked. She could not believe it. He been clean for almost 2 years, he had a job, he had an apartment with some roommates. It was not the best job, but a job regardless. He was sober. Since then over the years when Tammy sees people who are struggling just like this patient, she had she tells them: I know I can’t do this. She would tell them his story. How he never gave up. From the providers perspective, it’s been difficult for Tammy to work with pregnant addicts. Especially the patients that were treated, they had their baby then they come back using drugs and pregnant again. That was really hard to take care of someone like that and keep personal feelings out of it.

She tells me when we talk about addiction, what is a better example than a woman who keeps using even though she knows what that does to her fetus. It is a pretty strong case for an addiction she adds. I asked Tammy how did it make her feel to see the woman pregnant and keep coming back? She tells me a mixed feeling, angry, sad, helpless. Every time somebody came back it made her feel like she failed. She would wonder why the women would not get their tubes tied. She would be upset that there are not enough places for the women to get help.

Tammy feels like that if there is an option and the women does want to get their tubes tied, they should be able to do that. It is a fine line she tells me. If a woman had been pregnant and her baby born addicted, ok everyone makes mistakes, even in two times, but if it keeps happening 3–4 times someone should be able to step in at least talk about options. Tammy has a lot of anger and resentment against religions. She feels like churches are all against abortion, yet nobody is there to help someone raise a child. She feels like if people with the Christian faith are concerned about women having abortions then they need to step up to the plate. Tammy never felt that there was help from people about abortions yet there are so quick to pass judgment. It takes a lot to raise a child. It is always easier to judge then to step in and help.

She tells me that at least an opiate baby has a chance, if they get through the withdrawal, if they get a loving home, if they are raised right, lots of if’s. They have a chance. There are very few side effects from opiates. There is a genetic component of the course. With an alcohol baby, there is nothing we can do. With Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) the damage is permanent. Tammy feels that addiction treatment is essential for pregnant women. Even if they had left and used drugs or alcohol and come back. At least while they were on the addiction unit, they were clean. Every clean day counted. She wished there would be more places for women and more done to prevent in the first place.

Tammy thinks that addiction is an uncontrollable urge that people have to fight every day, whatever is drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, sex, whatever the addiction is if people are able to recover from it, it is a lifelong struggle. There are so many people who have addictions and don’t even realize it. Anything that people do is detrimental to themselves or anybody else. Tammy tells me she does not have a drug or alcohol addiction; her addiction is food. She looks at it from that context. Especially when she is trying to eat healthily and come upon a bakery with some cannoli. She would stand there looking at them. She would tell herself standing there that this is terrible, she wants them so badly. She is trying to eat right; she knows it is bad for her. She wants to lose weight; she wants to be healthy.

She wants to be comfortable, but she tells me: I want that f***ing cannoli.

It does not matter what the drug is, she tells me it is the same thing. She thinks of her mother who depended on insulin, but she could not control her eating. Her mother knew all the problems diabetes would cause and Tammy used to fight with her, yet she would still hide chocolate bars in her nightstand. That is addiction. Some people just don’t have self-control and it does not matter what the addiction is it can get people physically and mentally.

Tammy tells me that when it comes to food, she is the worst addict.

In her mind she can talk to herself about why it is ok if she just has one that tomorrow she will be back, or she had a rough day she deserves it. It is whatever is in our mind that we can talk ourselves into. That is the addiction, she tells me, it is always there; it is always this little voice in the back of our mind. It does not matter even in years go by. Heroin addicts used to tell her there are certain places they cannot go near. They cannot go down a certain street because it is the corner they used to buy. It triggers their brain. It is a struggle every day. We discuss food addiction and some of the pathways.

Tammy tells me they also push all that stuff on us from a very young age, it is all over TV, no matter where we go, we are ingrained to it. She asserts that this country is the worst.

This country is all about making money.

They don’t care that the food they are putting out is unhealthy or even dangerous as long as they are making money. It is the same thing with the tobacco industry. They can put a warning on the package. Still selling it for a profit. Food is a big one. We all have to have it. It is a saddest thing for her to see these young elementary school kids that are so fast that they can barely walk.

She feels that food and alcohol are the addictions that people are more accepting of. We discuss that alcohol is everywhere. Tammy feels that education about addiction needs to start at a very young age. She compares the education that needs to happen to when she was young and they were teaching kids about littering, there were commercials on TV, groups of people got together to clean places up, it was involved in every aspect. Now it is seldom to see littering out of the car, people are more aware. This was thought when people were young and each year in school kids were thought more. Tammy feels that by the time people are in high school they should know everything about drugs and alcohol, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

None of it should be kept quiet.

Get them young and engrain it. Smoking is been a battle, a hard one with the fight with the tobacco industry. Getting the parents involved as well. There will be some parents who might not want their kids to be told about addictions, and we still have too, she adds. Tammy also feels that in healthcare it should not be up to the insurance companies when someone needs treatment. She feels we should have more follow-up care. It does not do any good to detox somebody then send them back to the same environment. She does not feel treating addictions is a priority still. She feels like nobody wants to spend money on drug addicts. Tammy feels that both addiction and mental health are taboo subjects. They are always going to be the red headed stepchildren.

People just don’t get it that prevention is the only thing we can count on. There should be more options for people, have Suboxone more available for people financially and by location. The government doesn’t really care. The government looks at how much it costs to cure yet they don’t look at the overall cost of not doing anything. She is not sure what it would take for the government to make addiction a priority. She tells me about the 1970’s and the 1980’s with cocaine affecting the minorities. Nothing was done then. It was oh well, people are going to die. More is being done now, and still, it is too little too late. Tammy does think that education is the key and that the fix will not happen immediately.

Education needs to start in elementary school. More option for people who want to get help.

She gives me the example of somebody coming in with opiates to the emergency department and she would love if she could just pick up the phone and say I am sending someone over, and it is going to be the real deal treatment with following through. Without early education nothing will change. This way eventually they will meet in the middle. No quick fix. Tammy feels that addiction can happen because of family, environment, socioeconomics, class. Heroin is a poor man’s drug. It is everywhere. The majority of people who have addictions also have mental health issues. The two kinds of goes together. It is hard to know which one starts first. The problem is so much bigger than alcohol and drugs. We also have to look at mental health issues. It is overwhelming. We have to look at both mental health and addiction to help people.

It is a very complicated issue; we need to treat the whole person. She tells me about PTSD, interpersonal relationships, family problems, so many things that can go wrong to bring someone to addiction. I asked Tammy what helped her in her food addiction. She tells me she come to the point to eat less and exercise more. We just have to make up our minds and do it. She sometimes looks at food as the enemy. She is not sure how healthy that is. She would look at the cannoli as a temptation that would set her back on her track of becoming healthier.

Try not to put herself in a situation where she is forced to make that choice. Try to plan ahead. It is a mindset, not get the fried, get the baked food. She feels this can be different for everybody, what is the last straw. Some people never get it she adds. I ask her if she has any final thoughts for me. Tammy tells me that over the years she changed her opinion on some things. She never used to think that weed and alcohol can lead someone to start to use heroin. She feels like it is not so much the usage of the beginning substances but the people around the person.

The environment plays a big role in the development of drug usage. She would educate more on friends; who we are socializing with what do they do for fun. If someone is with a group of people who drink and use drugs a lot, they have to be aware that they are more susceptible to using drugs and drink. It is inevitable. She feels that in the younger years the big part of it is the peer group. As people get older with more responsibilities if someone has not developed an addiction, they are not an addict.

The peer pressure makes a big difference. People who use together that are sharing something special. Heroin addiction is a culture. They just know by looking at each other.

Thank you for reading,

Gabriella

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This book is dedicated to the memory of Bagóczky József my uncle who died at age 19 — alcohol-related car accident and to everyone else who has been hurt or lost related to addiction

Many people had been supportive and inspiring to me so I could create this book. Both of my wonderful children told me, just write that book, mom. My mom. I could have not done this without all the stories provided and the encouragement love and caring from my family and friends, nurses, doctors, counselors, teachers, professors, friends who are dealing with addiction and staying sober; and children, wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers of people who are dealing with addiction currently. Thank you for speaking up, sharing your stories and life experiences. Thank you to all the people who read this book while in progress to provide feedback, ideas, and encouragement for me to continue writing. I would like to say special thanks to my friends and family for believing me and encouraging me to go on.

Front cover acrylic painting created by Andrea Mihaly October 2019

Our Society: Addiction and More Uncovered. Hear the voices of everyday people — a collection of stories and experiences.

Copyright @ 2020. 1st addition on Amazon KDP. 2nd addition Jan 2021 Barnes & Noble. Gumroad December 2021. By Dr. Gabriella Kőrösi. All rights reserved. Dancing Elephants Press.