Dear Writer

A Letter to 17-Year-Old Me

If You Only Knew

Dear 17-Year-Old Me,

Hey kid, it’s been a long time, 34 years to be exact. Can you believe I made it to 50? Yeah, me either. I’ll let you in on a little secret, you were wrong; 50 isn’t old at all. I have so much to tell you, things I wish you’d have known. If you knew the things I know now, you’d have been unstoppable.

Looking back at you, I have mixed emotions. I feel quite a bit of sadness for everything you went through. But I also feel a great deal of gratitude for making me who I am today.

You were so insecure, so full of doubt, shame and self-loathing. You wanted to be anybody but you. It caused so many problems. Funny, I look at you now and wonder why you couldn’t see what I see now.

I remember how ugly and unloveable you felt. I remember how you hated your unruly curly hair, your chubby face and your skinny body. I remember you always slinking into the background because you felt like you didn’t deserve the spotlight.

The truth is you were, and are beautiful. Girl, you’re fucking hot! Don’t believe me, well, check this out. It’s you, but 30 odd years later. I mean, damn!:

You will learn to love the skin you’re in. I just wish you’d have been able to have done it sooner rather than later.

I wish you’d have had more confidence. I wish you would have valued yourself more, well, really at all. It would have saved us both so much heartache. You never would have quit university and settled for one of the first guys to pay you any attention. You never would have let that guy abuse me mentally and physically for 12 years. You never would have left that guy only to marry yet another “wrong’un” just because he was the only one who ever asked.

I wish you wouldn’t have spent years twisting yourself in knots, working yourself to the point of literal madness, to please everyone. You were enough. You were worthy all on your own, you didn’t have to continually prove it. You’ll get there, I promise. it’s just going to take time and a complete mental breakdown to do it.

Even with all the regrets and “I wishes,” I’m very grateful to you. Everything you put me through has made me who I am today.

First, if you hadn’t gotten involved with that abusive guy, you’d never have the 3 wonderful boys you’re going to have. You’re going to be so proud of them and the men they eventually become. And boy, are they ever going to be handsome! Look:

Second, I thank you for the strength I eventually developed. That strength got me through a whole lot of rough stuff. That strength allowed me to finish an undergraduate degree and law school (on the Dean’s List while raising 3 children, thank you very much.) That strength allowed me to raise those 3 children on next to nothing without them knowing they were poor as church mice. That strength allowed me to finally embrace my passions and myself. And that strength allowed me to find love, real true love with a man who wants nothing more from me than just me.

The truth is, I wouldn't trade any of it. It seems it took you going through all the bad stuff to get to the good stuff. And let me tell you, the good stuff is going to be sooooooo good!

You’re going to become a fearless, confident whirlwind, sort of a little force of nature. You’re going to be very happy. It’s all going to be okay. In fact, it’s all going to be better than okay. You’re going to become me, and she’s pretty freakin’ awesome!

Lots of Love,

50-Year-Old Me

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