FICTION | MASH-UP | FANTASY

A Hell of a Birthday

Part 3 of A Hell of a Bedtime Story — Beth believed it would be her perfect birthday. But when she gets drawn into unexplainable chaos, it turns into a birthday from hell.

Today, Beth didn’t walk out of the library. She might have been floating or jumping like a young deer. Whatever it looked like, it wasn’t ordinary walking. Not on a day of such high spirits as today.

Two things made for Beth’s positive attitude. She had just finished her preparations for her teaching qualification exam. After months of preparations and interning at a local school, she was as ready as it got.

And then, there was that thing called love! After years of searching, she had found hers. It was a wonderful feeling, and it wasn’t long before they finally met in December.

So when Beth left the library building, she did it with a longing but happy sigh. A breeze ruffled her dark curly hair, and she giggled like one of her cute little pupils when a strand of hair tickled her face. Of course, it was silly, but she felt happy, like a little girl.

When she moved the hair out of her face, she saw a disgusting drunk sitting on the lawn right in front of the library. Just by the looks, she imagined the guy smelling of liquor and tobacco and lost dignity.

But the oddest thing happened when the guy pointed his right hand at a Canada goose standing between them. Before knowing what hit her … or rather the goose … a colourful ray shot out of the drunk’s finger gun, and the goose exploded.

Beth gasped as she was covered in feathers and gore. All she could do was stare at the guy in disbelief. He turned toward her, pointing his finger gun straight at her face.

“You there! Where’s Alpha-Teta-Omega?!” he babbled.

Beth reacted in the manner most fitting to the situation. She ran away screaming. Judging by the sounds around her, many people followed her example.

Although she had no idea how she had gotten there, Beth finally reached the safety of her home. She had run without stopping, and her vision was blurry from the tears. Beth slammed the door shut behind her and threw her back against it. This was a hell of a birthday.

She was still panting, and her feet hurt like hell when the doorbell rang. Beth didn’t have time to gather herself. Still confused, she opened the door without thinking. A chorus of shouting children greeted her.

“SURPRISE!!!”

Beth looked in disbelief at the pupils from her class and their accompanying parents. “Hepy Birdday, Miss Beth!” read the sugar coating on the cake two kids held up.

Beth looked at the group in disbelief, like a toon character that had just licked an exposed electricity line. At that moment, they could have changed the banner to “dumbest teacher of the year.” “The Best Teacher We Could Wish For!” didn’t seem to do her justice today.

Then, a mother in an expensive trouser suit and pearls realised the feathers sticking out of Beth’s hair weren’t hers. Aware of the awkward situation, Beth smiled as excitedly as possible at the kids and clapped fanatically. All eyes were on her, and she needed to do something. This moment could destroy all she had worked for.

“My little angels! Thank you so much,” she said, a little too exaggerated, “And what a wonderful cake!”

She leaned forward to look closer, hoping not to find more mistakes when a red glob dropped on the cake. To make matters worse, it turned the word “Beth” into “eew”. At least, that fitted the situation very well. The mother of pearls — Beth almost smirked at the thought — cleared her throat.

“Are you feeling fine, Miss Fuller?”

The young teacher stared at the woman for awfully long seconds as if she had taken another bite of that electricity line.

“Me?!” she stammered, looking behind herself as if there must be someone hiding.

Beth was aware of the woman’s awkward silence and the other parents staring at her.

“Oh. Me! Yes,” she finally said and smiled, exposing too many of her teeth. She cleared her throat and finally had a rescuing idea. Her face suddenly looked sad and frightened.

“… yes, I’m fine. It is just … I …,” Beth gasped and squinted her eyes until the tears flowed again, “I-I just … got caught in an … accident.”

“Oh! … Poor you! You must be so devastated!” the woman said, showing her exaggerated compassion for the crying teacher in front of the other adults. Beth turned her attention toward the two kids holding the cake, a boy and a girl, and smiled warmly.

“Oh, you sweeties. Let me take that from you.”

She smiled and looked at the cake with feigned surprise.

“Is that a unicorn made from sugar coating?”

The man standing behind the girl straightened his back proudly.

“My daughter, Ria, made it,” he bellowed, glancing at the other parents to ensure they paid attention. Still, his gaze quickly returned to where it usually lingered when they met, on Beth’s cleavage.

“She believes you are a unicorn in disguise,” the perv added and smirked, “And if I may say so, her sugar-coating designs match her academic excellence.”

Beth feigned a smile and wished for a loaded finger gun. She decided to pay attention to the kids, who would hopefully not turn into their parents.

“Oh, sweetheart, thank you.”

Little Ria smiled when Beth took the cake and carried it inside. Once out of sight, she pulled a face while placing the cake on a shelf beside her door and next to her Smith & Wesson Model 629 Performance Center. Her face displayed her first honest smile of the day. She loved that 44 Magnum.

“I also have something for you, sweeties!”

Smilingly, Beth looked out behind the doorframe but mostly hidden from view. Her left hand went for the shelf, and with a quick movement, she jumped back onto the porch. Everybody gasped. Then, the kids cheered excitedly when they saw the bowl with candy and apples.

“Say thank you!” Ms. trouser suit said.

Finally, the group left with more cheering and singing. Beth stood in the doorframe, a smile frozen on her face. She waved and slowly closed the door. Once the unexpected visitors were out of sight, she grimaced and moved her mouth to ease the cramps in her face.

“Ooooooh! Poooor yooouuuu!” she imitated the mother of pearls.

Beth stuck her finger in her mouth, imitating a retching sound.

“My daughter’s designs match her academic excellence. Blabla …,” she gnarled, mocking Ria’s dad, “Make me throw up, perv.”

Beth kicked her shoes off, sending them into a corner. She grabbed the cake and entered the kitchen. When she was close enough, the cake disappeared in her messy, stinking sink. Flies burst in all directions, agitated and excited at once.

“Unicorn, my ….”

Beth sighed and lit herself a cigarette while she thought about her timeline. On her kitchen counter lay an old copy of the New York Times from 1854. She looked at the old picture of a stone circle, not unlike Stonehenge but somewhere in a frozen wasteland.

“I really need to fatten up the little brats before Krakenfest.”

Once December arrived, her love, that great ancient being of otherworldly wisdom and ultimate power, would be hungry. Destroying the world must be an exhausting task, after all. But she was running out of time. If she didn’t hurry, she’d be the appetiser instead.

Then she remembered the guy with the finger gun and realised she had missed something in her panic. A wizard, drunken loser or not, could foil her plans.

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What is happening here? Easy! It is my response to another Hell of a Mash-up by Jonathon Sawyer and a continuation of my last mash-up reply.

Points! Points! Points! Count the points!

a) Prompt #1: Well-meaning children try to surprise a guardian for their 
birthday (2 points)
> The pupils surprise Beth on her birthday.

b) Constraint: blurry vision (1 point)
> Beth's vision is blurred from crying when she runs home.

c) Constraint: an apple (1 point)
> Beth offers the kids candy and apples.

d) Constraint: an old copy of the New York Times (1 point)
> Beth looks at an old copy of the New York Times lying on her kitchen counter.
e) Constraint: Stonehenge (1 point)
> Beth looks at a picture of a stone circle, not unlike Stonehenge.

f) Hardcore Constraint: An unlikely thing explodes! (2 points)
> The Canada Goose exploded because of the drunk's finger gun.

g) Literary Device: Archetype (5 points!)
Beth seems like a friendly and motivated young education student who wants 
to be a teacher. It turns out she is a potentially murderous cultist.

h) Counting the points in a neat code box tally for Jonathon Sawyer (1 point)

All that sums up to 14 points.

Fun is the funniest when you share it, so I challenge JF Danskin, Rayne Sanning, and John Fanidis to write their response to the mash-up.

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