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A Great Lay-up Looking For a Slam Dunk
Feedback on: “Tracks On The Farm”
These articles provide feedback on stories submitted by brave writers looking to learn and grow. Comments will be provided on anything from title and pictures, to grammar, language, and cohesion. All feedback is meant to help both the original author and anyone else reading this, and general writing tips will be highlighted.
Today, we have our first repeat customer! Mridul Vijay, the first to submit a story for feedback in this publication, has returned with a new story for us.
Thank you, Mridul!
To easily follow this feedback story, go ahead and follow the link below to read the original story. Don’t worry, I’ll wait for you here.
So the last time, some of the feedback was on the choice of featured picture, which didn’t fully match the setting of the story. I feel this picture is much better chosen. The image sets the scene and gives the reader a kick-start in imagining the scenery where the story unfolds. If I had to point out something that could still be even better, it would be that the “feel” of the picture does not fully match the “feel” of the story. The story is more along the lines of an agricultural detective story. Maybe even a bit scary. The picture, on the other hand, seems so idyllic.
Tip 1: A good picture relates to the story, and indicates what it is about. A great picture helps the reader understand or imagine the story, the scenery, or the character(s). The perfect picture does both of those things while fully capturing the mood of the story.
The story itself starts off in what seems to be an awful hurry. You get the short descriptor “On a crisp autumn day…”, but then we get right into what has happened. And in a sentence that is just slightly too long and packed. Already 3 sentences further in, the farmer is strengthening the defenses, and in 2 more sentences, our protagonist is on the chase. In just 6 sentences we get the entire intro. That leaves no room for building a sense of the scenery or an atmosphere or “feel” of the story. The reader is left panting for breath.
Tip 2: Even in a short story, allow yourself some time to build the world you want the reader to step into. Make sure you don’t feel rushed from the beginning.
The next section sets the short adventure in motion. Franky, our cunning protagonist, does his best impression of Sherlock Holmes and snoops around the area. However, this is where I get a little confused. There are already animal tracks found, that could have likely been followed. And after what sounds like quite a bit of snooping around, he notices a trail of blood that he can follow all the way to the forest.
How did they not notice the blood right away? And if the tracks themselves were so obvious that they were found before the trail of blood, why could these not have been followed to the forest? Anyway, let’s move on.
It’s unclear how old our friend Franky is, but he is likely pretty young as he is forbidden from entering the forest. However, Franky says ”Relax!” and charges onwards nonetheless. The trail of blood continues a long way into the forest. How much blood was in that poor sheep?
With a mix of tenacity and well-timed clumsiness, Franky discovers a cave, in which the thief is hiding. And while our protagonist is being clumsy in the story, our author is also tripping up a little out here in the real world. There are a few somewhat strange phrasings like:
- He saw the crime scene — He looked at/observed/scrutinized the crime scene
- It was the greatest place to hide… — it was a great place to hide…
- Stepped into the limelight — Stepped into the light
- Feed her child — feed her pup/offspring
I put these down to Mridul not necessarily being a native English speaker and/or still being very young. I want to again stress that I have huge respect for the writing accomplishment of this young man!
Tip 3: If you are not a native English speaker yourself, consider finding a native English speaker to proofread your stories.
Well, let’s finish off this story. The suspense is killing me! Franky found the cave and now moves in closer. Suddenly, we are treated to some of the careful writing that I so enjoyed in the last story from Mridul:
Franky cautiously went up to the cave. Just as he was about to step into the cave, a silhouette appeared. A low growl escaped from its mouth as a cautionary warning. — Mridul Vijay
See how he takes his time here. A picture is painted. Not every word of every sentence is there to move the story along. This is what good writing is about.
Tip 4: You should always strive to find the right balance between building the atmosphere or “feel” of the story, and moving the action along. You need to move the story along and get to your destination, but you also need to make the trip itself enjoyable.
The suspense is kept for a little longer as our hero, for some undisclosed reason, decides to pull out a thorn from the paw of the wolf. And BAM then the story is over. I sit here baffled, wondering about what just happened. I know this was supposed to be a short story, but who kidnapped my ending? I feel there are so many unanswered questions and unfinished storylines. Why did Franky help the wolf? Did it come back to benefit him later? What happened to the wolf? And were the sheep safe after this? I feel like there should be a part two coming to finish what was started here.
Lastly, I want to emphasize the very fun and unusual call to action used here: A single short sentence of “Hey, look: n newsletter” with a link to his substack. Very unorthodox. While I think it is funny and quirky, I wonder if it’s enough to get anyone to click it. Please let me know!
Summary
Title
Great title.
Pictures
Good and fitting choice of featured image. The only thing missing is a bit more “mystery” to the image and you would have had a perfect picture for your story.
Formatting
Not a lot of formatting is needed for this type of story. I think you are using a very appropriate length of segments.
Grammar
Even better than the last one. I found no grammatical errors. What I did find was a few usages of words or phrases that were slightly “off” from normal usage. But those were truly minor issues.
Links and Citations
None there, none needed.
Language
It seemed the action or the storyline for this story took a little too much of your focus. You were so intent on getting the reader through what happened, you forgot to paint mental images along the way. The destination was all that mattered, and thus the journey itself lost some of the splendor it could have had. Next time, try and focus more on building a mood and describing the scenery, the persons, their feelings, etc.
Cohesion and Cadence
There were some odd details like: Why did the father not investigate this himself? How did the wolf manage to get past the fence? How did it manage to get two sheep with it, and for all that long way? Why would Franky remove the thorn?
Consider thinking a little more critically through the story and whether it seems like natural behavior. And if not, make sure to explain, or leave clues as to why your character behaves in a certain way or why something happens.
Closing Remarks
All in all, an enjoyable and suspenseful read. It’s like a mini-detective-story in a farm setting. I liked it. I enjoy the short format, though I feel this is cut a little too short. And more words and sentences could have been spent on building the mood and descriptions. I look forward to the next one!
For more writing tips, read:
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