A Day in The Life of That Jabroni Who Highlights Everything, David Perlmutter
Totally a true story
David Perlmutter is woken up by his hungry children asking for breakfast. He opens his eyes and sees the light coming through from behind the curtains in his bedroom. The weatherman was wrong again, it’s a beautiful day outside.
He sits up and stretches. Arising from his nest made from thousands of loose left Barbie legs, David kicks the wire cage his kids are locked in to get them to shut up. Then David throws a glass of water at them while yelling. He wasn’t related to the kids, but at the moment they were in his possession so they were his kids.
David puts on a black silk robe and slip-on slippers before walking into his kitchen. He cracks three eggs into a glass on top of a half-ounce of kratom powder, stirring twice before he chugs it. He pulls two 40' of Old English out of a fridge that’s filled with nothing but the ’40s of OE and a flat of eggs. He chugs one forty in the kitchen and brings the other with him onto his office.
New day, fresh stories. David has to get up early every morning to be the first highlight on everyone’s latest published stories. There was nothing better than the feeling of highlighting every word of a virgin story with no claps yet by one of the tens of thousands of David’s favorite writers.
I’ve also heard the rumors that he uses bots. No one has time to do what he does. I think he does it by hand. What I don’t know is how he does it all at the same time by hand. He doesn’t highlight to be annoying or because he liked your story.
David derives sexual pleasure from highlighting your stories while choking himself. It’s called Auto Hilit Choke-a-Roca Synthesia. A sex writer should really do a story about it.
After a two hour wank-choke-highlighting session David is ready to start his day. He takes not long enough of a shower before jumping into his 2014 Kia Cadenza. This is his driving to the mall song.
David walked into Yankee Doodle Candle and Karen was working. He waved hello.
“You know you’re not supposed to be within a hundred feet of this building Perlmutter. You got a lot of nerve coming back in here after the shit you pulled last time.” Karen said glaring at him with her arms crossed.
“It was all a big misunderstanding. Were the children scared? Yes. But none of them required medical attention. They still making that one candle that smells like cookies baking?” Asked David.
She plunked down a tan-colored candle and without taking her hand off of it Karen said. “13.99 Then you and your candle need to get the hell out of my store.”
David threw a five dollar bill on the counter with 4 ones under it. When Karen lifted her hand off the candle he snatched it and ran.
“Cocksucker!” Karen’s scream echoed through the mall.
“So much for getting my parking validated.” Thought David Perlmutter as he made a bee line for the exit.
When he got home David didn’t like the smell of the candle. It was probably from having it in the trunk with the dead hooker. Which is why he bought the candle in the first place. Because when he lit the candle in his house after dumping the hooker’s corpse in the aqueduct on the way back from the mall, the candle smelled like cookies baking and dead hooker.
Before bed David sat down at his computer for his final yolk and choke. Gasp! A Hogan Torah story just published! Completely unclapped and highlighted! As he got to the bottom of the page he felt it coming so he shoved his unassigned foot up his ass and came hard all over his keyboard, monitor, and wall behind it.
He threw a few paper towels on his mess and downed the rest of 40 of ol’ E from earlier. He’d clean it up in the morning.
The next morning I sit down in front of my computer and opened Medium. My latest story had bombed, but it was all highlighted.
“Damn it! Oh well,” I says to myself, “At least David Perlmutter thinks I’m cool…”
This pleases Hogan Torah. Hogan Torah smiles.
No children were harmed in the writing of this story. Though they were fictional, the kids were paid very well and given scholarships. They met with a trauma counselor after I wrote that. Hogan Torah does not condone or advocate keeping kids that aren’t yours in a cage.
