A Case For Men Having More Friends
Loneliness is impacting men the most and we’re seeing how its impacting the world.
They say that the life of a writer is a lonely one. And while I refute the idea, I have to reluctantly admit that I’m indeed a writer, and live a pretty lonely life. Aside from my roommate (who is also my cousin) and some connections online, my social life consists of my parents, some relatives I see on occasion and one other friend my roommate and I play Magic with.
I’ll be 32 next month and overall, I can say the connections I have I wouldn’t consider them as close connections — aside from family.
In my situation, the problem is more I haven’t been getting out and being more involved in the city. But I can imagine for so many other men the problem could be that on top of the fact that we struggle a lot with making friends.
As children we learn to bond with other kids, but things begin to change as we grow older. We start to create social circles for ourselves and interact with specific groups of people based on our interests and hobbies and goals. We’re also exposed to a variety of different things like societal norms and other life events.
In the end, the environments a lot of us find ourselves in are created by elements that encourage us to live lonelier lives. This is doubly so for men. And understanding that — and the case for men to break those barriers down and make connections — is crucial in this day and age.
It Helps Us To Seek And Ask For Help More
I still remember a conversation I had at the dorms of the university I went to. I mentioned how men are far more likely to commit suicide than women. In the context of discussing gender topics and “who has it worse”, I was of course talked back to and the statement was brushed off entirely.
What it’s made me realize more and more over the years is that in terms of emotions, men are lagging behind a lot. And it’s this emotional stunting that has resulted in a variety of problems.
To start it leads to men struggling to process and understand emotions and communicate them properly. Emotions like sadness, anxiety, depression, and others become very complex. For years, society has enforced the idea that for men, we need to internalize these rather than express them.
It’s this phenomenon of suppressing emotions and never dealing with them which results in men never seeking out therapy. It can also mean not looking for medical help too since society has enforced the whole “provider” stereotype.
In the end, men are conditioned to suppress problems — mentally or physically — and to never deal with them. Even in life threatening situations where one is expected to talk about the issue, some will choose not to or struggle to effectively communicate.
This doesn’t mean having a close connection automatically relieves this. However knowing there is someone that you can turn to and can be a general voice of reason can make a big difference in someone’s life. Having someone you can count on for serious matters or for life advice is impactful.
It Creates More Meaningful Connections
When the pandemic hit, everyone started to value online connections more than ever before. And while that is good in some cases, it makes connections in the real world harder to form. One of my own personal roadblocks to staying inside is that it’s easier for me to hop onto Discord and chat with people there than it is for me to talk with people face to face.
This is something I’m all too familiar with since my stunted social skills as a teen were due to spending time talking with multiple people online. Having connections with them was more valuable than the friends I made offline.
But in other circumstances it can also lead us to surrounding ourselves amongst worse groups.
Communities that people like Andrew Tate or Jordan Peterson form feel appealing to isolated people. Combined with toxic masculinity, those stereotypical roles appeal to men since we’ve long been conditioned to think men are the providers.
To those communities there’s no harm in casually slipping in misogyny, transphobia or racism into the mix.
And when you combine that with not talking about emotions and suppressing them, these communities feel connected since a lot of other men feel just the same way deep down.
But the issue with those connections is they’re not actually real. They’re more akin to the “friends” you make in a network marketing group.
Those people are the best fake friends you’ll get the chance of having.
Yes, in network marketing and those kinds of toxic groups there are those who are genuine about what they are saying or encouraging. But a lot of people are there for the ride. They drank the kool-aid and before they joined these groups or companies, they were just lonely and seeking connections.
It’s connections under false pretences and it leads down a rabbit hole where problems aren’t actually solved, but that we got roped in because of our unchecked emotions.
Making friends with people as an adult is an emotional process since it demands us to be vulnerable to make those deeper connections. The idea isn’t to be vulnerable from the very start, but rather to get out and meet a variety of people. To use the opportunity to explore your emotions and to develop them in the first place.
It Allows Us To Actually Feel
At the end of the day, a lot of the unpopular views and toxic masculinity stems from so much of what society has expected men to be like. It’s years of being in gender roles and that men have to be fit, wealthy, and a protector of his family. And while those things generally are a good thing, society has twisted it in such a way that this is the only appropriate thing a man can be.
Men were scared to be gay because of years of gender conforming as a kid. It resulted in the same kind of violence we are seeing today towards trans communities in Canada and in the US.
The idea of women making more money could be partially why we still have a wage gap between genders or a pink tax. It’s as if there is this fear that a woman making more money somehow emasculates men. That one’s true value is based on the numbers in your bank account and that a man’s should always be more than women.
These kinds of expectations created these environments at least partially and it’s also stunted men’s ability to communicate and express themselves.
When you’re in social settings and have deeper connections with someone or many, you’re creating a safer place to express yourself and to truly feel. It helps you to avoid those toxic communities and being roped into those things because you realize they’re mind games.
We all know that friendships offer a variety of benefits and those benefits can come from online sources too. But through my own experiences, I recognize the importance of having connections offline. To be able to form deeper and more genuine bonds with people that way.
The task of making friends is not easy. It’s not something that can be optimized or lifehack your way through. It takes a lot of time and energy and commitment. Worse, it could all be wasted in a blink of an eye.
But it becomes a great deal more challenging when you are emotionally stunted or haven’t had the opportunity to discover who you are or understand your emotions. Between that and the risk of falling into the wrong groups, it becomes more important now more than ever for men to make real connections and navigate friendship building these days.
Enjoyed the article? Please consider offering your support!
👉 Subscribe to my email list here and receive emails whenever I publish on Medium!