9 Steps To Becoming The World’s Most HyperSuccessful Writer

HyperMegaSuccess Accelerator Academy [Edition 10]

Step 1: Squash Resistance.

The concept of Resistance was laid out perfectly in Steven Pressfield’s The War Of Art. You must use a hammer or a gun or a baseball bat or a katana or some other type of murder weapon. This is the easy part. All the rest of the steps will be extremely difficult.

Step 2: Buy a computer.

Okay, so this is also an easy part. BUT IT IS SUPER DUPER VITAL. Since you cannot upload paper directly to Amazon, you will need a digital paper-thing. That’s what computers are for.

Step 3: Use the computer to write.

Haha, you thought you were just gonna buy a computer to look at pictures of penises, didn’t you? You’re very short-sighted, which is different from near-sighted, but that’s too scientific to explain in this post.

You should read all my other posts if you want to know everything about science stuff. This post is 99% non-science.

What’s the other 1%?

Well, the other 1% is 100% mysterious. Being mysterious is very important in the art of obtaining dates with female women.

Step 4: Get on The Internet.

Okay, so you have a computer and are using it to write words that nobody will want to read for 5 years. Cool. Now click that little icon that says Connect To Internet For Penis Pics. That’s the internet.

I bet you’re new to this whole internet thing, so I’m gonna explain it. Basically it’s a place to look at pictures of wieners. But you can also do other things.

Unfortunately, most of those “other things” will bore the pants off you, which will then lead you back to the penises.

Step 5: Find amazon.com

It is a website where you can buy things. Things such as books. Go look at some of the books there. That’s where your books are gonna be published. Pretty exciting. Your journey is just beginning!

Step 6: Find all the other ebook retailers that nobody knows or cares about, like Kobo and Smashwords.

There are a lot of sites where you can sell your books, but none of them actually get any visitors. Go ahead and check out Kobo and Smashwords and any other bullshit website you like. Keep in mind that you’ll never sell any books there because nobody visits those places.

Ignore the podcasts that say you should sell on those other websites. They’re lying to you (and they think you’re fat).

Step 7: Put your words on the Amazon store.

Go to the Amazon and throw your book in the river.

HAHA THAT IS A JOKE. I HOPE YOU LAUGHED OUT LOUD LIKE A BABOON OR HYENA OR BANSHEE.

Amazon is a website AND a river in the highly-jungled region of South America called The Amazon. That’s a cool science fact. Pretty rad, right?

Step 8: Charge a fuckton of money for your book.

You shouldn’t charge just a couple bucks for your work. Think about it, that book probably took you a hundred hours to write.

Doing a little math, we see that if you pay yourself a salary of $9.25, which is the minimum wage in Mexico, you would only be compensated fairly by charging $925 USD dollars.

BUT:

Amazon only gives you like 35% royalties if you charge that much.

So you need to increase the cost to compensate for that highway robbery. Let’s call it $1000. That’s what you should charge for your book.

Remember that if you price too low, people won’t think it’s good.

That’s economics.

Step 9: Make a cover for your book.

Oh, shit! I forgot to put this one before Step 7. Fuck fuck fuck!! DO THIS STEP BEFORE STEP 7.

Step 9.2: Clap.

I’ve given you several minutes of blissful entertainment today. I think it’s about time you pay up. But I’m not asking. NO.

I’m threatening.

I have recently acquired Brain Magicks. I have acquired them through very illegal methods, and I am now going to use them against your car. Unless you clap, comment, highlight, and follow.

Give me what I want or I will melt your car with Brain Magicks.

N E X T → Part 2

P R E V I O U S → Entitled Writers Deserve Obscurity