[Part 2] 9 More Steps to Become the World’s Most HyperSuccessful Writer

HyperMegaSuccess Accelerator Academy [Edition 10 Part 2]

Part 1 is here. That’s where Steps 1–9 are.

This is Part 2, which is only for Le Seriousse and Sophistiquelle Writersse.

Are you Le Seriousse enough?

Step 10: Editors are idiots.

That’s why those 2 words have the same number of syllables.

E-di-tor. I-di-ot. Three syllables each.

It works for everything: Ho-tel. Mo-tel. Holiday-Inn. Two syllables.

Jour-na-list. Di-no-saur. Four syllables.

So tell your editor to go fuck himself and die. Besides, he’s probably banging your wife right now. Go check while I drink the rest of your wine.

Step 11: Apologize to the editor’s family.

After you yelled at the balding editor man, he got depressed and overdosed on caffeine and jumped out of a passenger jet. Now he’s dead and his cat misses him terribly.

And he didn’t even get to bang your wife. You must be some kind of monster. You disgust me.

Step 12: Give up on writing.

The market already has too many books written by jerks. i don’t want to teach jerks how to write. So you should stop reading now.

Step 13: Never let anybody tell you what to do.

You’re a fucking writer, aren’t you? It’s in your blood. So pull your panties back up. Stop crying like an idiot. Get back to work.

What, you’re just gonna give up because some guy wrote a post insulting you? You’re pathetic. You should either [REDACTED] yourself or move on to Step 14.

Step 14: Drink coffee.

Coffee is what fuels 100% of the modern American workforce. Some other stats: it fuels 98% of the Brazilian workforce, 97% of the Romanian workforce, 33% of the English workforce, and 14% of all erotica writers.

Those statistics come courtesy of the google machine. (You have one of them, right?)

Step 15: Don’t check your KDP dashboard too often.

Your KDP dashboard is like Medium stats, but more accurate and more painful.

You’ve only published one book. Nobody has seen it yet. Move on:

Step 16: Write the next book.

Your goal is to get to 10 books. That’s when you will begin to make a thousand dollars per day. That’s the magic number: 10 books.

Step 17: Grind it out until you hit book #21.

According to everyone on Kboards — which is a place for writers to talk about The Proper Ways To Self-Publish Your Books — the magic numbers that will finally get your books recognized go like this:

Shoot for at least 200 published works overall in several genres. You need 5 books in a series before anybody will read the first book. Getting to 10 books in the same series will make you more richer than the person who wrote Harry Potter. Guaranfuckingteed.

So go until you get to the 21st book, and then celebrate.

Step 18: Drink tequila.

Celebrate, bitch! Your author self is now old enough to drink! You got to 21!!!!

Step 18.2: Clap.

Okay, so this is your favorite post on Medium today, right? What that means is this: I’ve given you an amazing experience. Now I’m demanding payment.

The Almighty Algorithm values Claps, Comments, Highlights, and Follows [CCHF] above all things. The Almighty Algorithm decides which writers live and die.

So if you don’t Clap, Comment, Highlight, and Follow [CCHF] me, I will be brutally murdered.

This means you’re threatening me.

WELL BITCH, I can threaten too.

I am currently in possession of Brain Magicks and I will use them against you if you do not CCHF me.

Be smart about this. Nobody needs to get hurt.