9 Reasons Why You Don't Know What You Want
And how to know what you want
“Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves.” Blaise Pascal
Given that you are surely going to die, how can you give yourself the gift of a well-spent life?
That’s a big question. Add to it “who am I?”, “why am I here?”, and “what is my purpose?”, and we’ve got ourselves walking in volcanic quicksand.
We, who were granted the freedom to choose for ourselves, are lost amidst infinite possibilities. All we want is simple, straight, concrete, practical answers to the questions above — yet, that is the one thing we don’t get.
Freedom comes with the burden of having to choose for ourselves — how do we go around that? This is a crucial point in the philosophy of Nitzsche. At first exuberant about criticizing the power of religion in dictating our lives and our need to break free from it, back in the 19th century, the philosopher realized what that meant in practice: emptiness, and the burden of opportunity.
If we do not have a clear moral code, an external compass, then there’s freedom, but what will we do with it? Are we even prepared for it?
Here is the thing: the result of having infinite possibilities, but not making choices and committing to them, is confusion. No wonder confusion seems to be our natural state.
For many people, the practical implication is to negate freedom and keep themselves in some sort of prison. This is easily done by adopting any given set of rules (e.g. the status quo), without posing questions. And just like that, they do not have to deal with not knowing. For these people, the rule of thumb is to avoid feeling lost at all costs. Simply put, they do not go into existential questions. They ignore them, make them into jokes, or give ready-made answers.
For others, this potential freedom means flirting with the rabbit hole of existence — and, at times, jumping right into it. Since you are reading this piece, I assume you are in this second group. Congrats, and welcome to the rabbit hole!
The Benefits of Knowing What You Want
Knowing what you want…
- means knowing yourself: your longings, what matters to do you, your values
- keeps you on the right path for you, and helps you not get sidetracked
- turns dreams into real-life choices
- brings clarity, and eliminates confusion and excuses
- supports you to make decisions about what directions to take
- supports you to set priorities for your life,
- defines what you don't want, and thereby helps you set boundaries
- supports you to organize yourself
- helps you establish what you are doing with your life, as you know what do you live for
Good stuff, right?
So I ask you… what is it that you want?
9 Reasons Why You Don’t Know What You Want
“Everybody dies, but not everybody lives.” Mark Lawrence
Here are nine reasons why knowing what we want — wholeheartedly, in full alignment with ourselves, and in full honesty — is so damn hard.
Reason #1: The good, old status quo
“When people will not weed their own minds, they are apt to be overrun by nettles.” Horace Walpole
Society is quite clear about what it expects of us: go to school, go to university, get a job, raise a family. A roadmap is offered. Even if many people following it are not happy, it is a tangible, concrete path.
It is that path that keeps the status quo working, and therefore is the one that is offered free of charge. It keeps the market economy working. It keeps those in power there. What else can I say? Just like you don’t want to die, our structures are living organisms, concerned with their perpetuation, and they will surely promote what allows them to continue to live — which often is not what makes you, individually, happy.
Even though you can technically do whatever you want, that will require you to figure out more things on your own, with no clear roadmap. The status quo lives strong and thrives because it saves you the time and energy that would take you to figure out your own roadmap. Its main mechanism is fear: it feeds you with fear that any other road might not work, and who wants to fail?
On top of that, the status quo is full of seductive compromises. Want to be creative and artistic? Then work for an advertising agency; keep selling more stuff and make sure the status quo engine keeps running. All of its maneuvers are to certify that you keep drawing within its lines and not overthink it. It takes a lot of strength to fight something as big as the status quo.
Reason #2: We are taught to be ashamed of what we want — and to seduce to get it
“Clear thinking requires courage rather than intelligence.” — Thomas Szasz
Back when you were a kid, did you ever feel like skipping school but knew that if you told that to your mom she would make you go anyway? What did you learn from that? My guess: that if you don’t want to go to school you better lie, pretend to be sick, or just skip it. Ever felt like not going to work and pretended to be sick? I wonder where that came from.
How about spotting someone extra cute in a bar, but instead of approaching the person nicely and asking for his/her number, you create a whole story to approach and hit on the person? Do this to see if they look back, do that to see if they are single, and so we keep going around things.
Such events teach us to be embarrassed about what we want and to fear failure. We learn we cannot just go for it, that what we want is not ok. We learn that, to get what we want, we need to play, to seduce. No, do not be honest and straightforward. That won’t get you what you want.
The result? We don’t fully own what we want. We diminish it. We are self-conscious about it. It’s ingrained in our subconscious that we aren’t worth it, that what we want is not ok, and that we won’t get it. We judge ourselves and end up neglecting ourselves.
Good luck getting what you want without even being able to admit to yourself that this is what you want, let alone showing up for it.
The things you are taught to be ok to want are the socially accepted ones, the status quo — the things that you already know are not enough for you.
The result of this is that we are constantly downplaying our dreams, thinking we don’t have the right to want them, thinking they are wrong, impossible. We are taught to not accept ourselves.
This is directly linked to Reason #1, as shame is a mechanism of the status quo to propagate itself. It takes a lot of effort to release from shame and own what you want.
If you suffer from this reason, chances are that you know what you want — but you have an issue accepting and owning it. Everything that does not comply will be criticized by someone somewhere. Big deal.
Reason #3: Lack of self-love and self-acceptance
“Every loss recapitulates earlier losses, but every affirmation of identity echoes earlier moments of clarity.” Mary Catherine Bateson
Worse than the shame that prevents us from accepting what we want is the lack of self-love and self-acceptance that comes with it. It is really hard to admit what we want and surrender to it when we believe we are not worth it.
We live in a society that thrives on us not fully accepting and loving ourselves. People who truly love and accept themselves are at peace. They don’t need to impress and compare themselves to others all the time. They don’t need to consume so much or care so much about brands. They don’t use external validation as a compass. Fear of failure, of being judged, of judging yourself are all in the same wagon.
Lack of self-love and self-acceptance makes us think we want a bunch of things that we don’t truly want and constantly question ourselves. They make us want things to compensate for low self-esteem or for caring too much for external approval. They prevent us from seeing what we really, truly want, as they clog us with superficial desires. Worse than that, they make us think that what we really want is not feasible and out of our reach.
Reason #4: You don’t take action — and have control issues
“More important than the quest for certainty is the quest for clarity.” Francois Gautier
We expect to have total clarity simply by thinking things through. The result is, we overthink, over-worry, and nothing happens. We stay stuck.
Waiting around and thinking is not how clarity works. Action brings clarity. Every step forward gets us closer to something and voilá: little by little, we can see better.
Last year I started three different businesses. One of them was something I had in the back of my mind for almost two years. It took me literally a month of working on it part-time to realize that it was not going to work, and it was not what I wanted. That was it. As simple as that, I scratched the project.
The business that came after that is the one I am truly passionate about now and working nonstop for. Would I have been able to get to it without taking a shot at the previous one? I doubt it.
Action shows us what we truly feel and think underneath all that hesitation — what that idea is like in practice. Life is practical, here and now. We are supposed to create it, live it, not keep thinking about it. Only action will unfold more pieces of your puzzle.
When we say we don’t know what we want and do nothing but ruminate, what we are actually experiencing is a control issue. We want safety, to know it all with certainty before we take any action. That does not exist.
Clarity is not a constant, black and white, all or nothing situation. Sometimes clarity is a crumble of curiosity about something. Take one step; see what unfolds next. To expect to have full clarity, with trumpets playing when we make the right decision, is nothing but an inability to deal with a lack of control over reality — which you will never have.
Reason #5: You don’t go deep enough
“True clarity and purpose emerge, when we see ourselves — as we truly are.” Eleesha
I started business school when I was 17 years old, which means I made that decision when I was 16. I honestly did not ponder about what I was about to major in for more than half a day. I just went to business school.
What for? For the belief of a successful career, money, and the desire to open my own business; the love for operations, processes, and structures; or the will to lead? No idea. I am not sure I went that far in my decision process — and that’s an issue.
We keep doing things without knowing why or by giving ourselves superficial reasons that don’t hold together for too long. It is hard to commit to something for long when our ground is so shaky. Sooner or later, it crumbles.
For instance: you say you want to be a writer, but why? Because you have a big message inside that is dying to be spread and transform society? Because you love playing with language, creating characters, and have a jolly time every time you write? Because you think it sounds romantic? Because you want to be heard, seen, and recognized for writing amazing books?
The point is, what is it that is really behind your wish? What is the need you are catering to? What value is it adding to your life?
From there, we can go even deeper. For instance, let’s say you can see part of wanting to be a writer comes from a need to be heard. Where does that need come from? Is it a sore from your childhood? Are there multiple ways to heal it? Is it so you want to be a writer, or you want to heal a personal sore? What is your real need, and what is it that is just a medium to get your need met? How honest can you be with yourself?
Whatever you tell yourself you want, is it a desire from something that is hurt in you? Is it a desire from your ego? Is it the will of your heart? Any kind of want is fine; there is no judgment here. It is a matter of being honest with ourselves, releasing from shame, and recognizing that there are multiple ways to approach what we want.
In a mental society disconnected from our bodies and hearts, to go this deep within ourselves is a challenge. To get to know what we really want, in alignment and authenticity, requires a certain maturity and purity that comes from self-connection.
Most of us judge ourselves and engage in negative self-talk so much that it’s almost like we are too scared to look at ourselves — which takes us back to Reason #3: lack of self-love and self-acceptance.
I know this reason brings more questions than answers. But that is the point. Allow yourself to go deep enough to connect to yourself enough to live in alignment. Deep down, it is about knowing yourself.
Reason #6: Laziness and fear
“I can compare clarity to pruning in gardening. If you are not clear, nothing is going to happen. You have to be clear. Then you have to be confident about your vision. And after that, you just have to put a lot of work in.” Diane Von Furstenberg
Finding our own path is somewhat of a burden, for it requires more energy and willpower from us. It is not a clear straight line as provided by the clear roadmap given by the status quo. To come up with our own path, we are to go on a personal exploratory process.
In this process, we have to keep walking forward, even when it is all dark and we have no idea what direction “forward” is — and we are all a bit afraid of the dark.
The only rule is to not stay stuck. For humans who do not like to spend more energy than needed, this is tough. We are satisficers, not optimizers. The status quo saves us energy in the short-term — and that is why it thrives so well.
Then, once we know what we want, there is the laziness and fear of owning it, taking risks, and putting in the work to make it happen.
One of the main mechanisms that fear has to attack us is by generating confusion. By clouding our minds, fear makes sure we do not make choices. It drives us to choose safe, short-term gains over what we truly want. Many times we know what we want, but we accept to remain confused to cope with fear and save ourselves from doing any real work.
Reason #7: Love and pleasure, or fear and discomfort?
“The more of me I be, the clearer I can see.” Rachel Archelaus
Have you ever felt like eating, say, pizza, and were sure that nothing else would satisfy your need? But then you get that pizza, taste the first bite, and — from the second bite onwards — you eat it all while talking to someone else, or watching Netflix without even tasting your food anymore? Did you order pizza out of pleasure of having pizza, ravishing every bite, or simply to get rid of the discomfort of wanting something you did not have?
It might sound crazy but much of what we say we “want” has nothing to do with appreciating and enjoying it. We pursue many things in life out of fighting against discomfort or out of fear of what happens if we don’t have them.
The key lies in how you do things, how you experience them, more than the what of what you are doing. Start paying attention to what it is that you truly cherish in life and you are on to something. Notice what is driving you; are you living and choosing out of joy and pleasure, or are you living to fight discomfort and fear?
It is really hard to find what we want from the heart when mechanically we are constantly reacting to the possibility of suffering. Can you shift from reducing discomfort to expanding joy?
Reason #8: Heart disconnection
“Clarity comes from within.” Ruth Saw
A mind that is not present and centered in the here now is easily hijacked by external demands.
FOMO, confusion, wanting everything, and not discerning over what is it that truly matters are symptoms of mental fears and anxieties.
The mind is always telling us ten thousand things, worrying, scared of committing to the wrong thing, shouting at us a bunch of “shoulds, have tos, and musts”.
The heart, on the other hand, would never do that to us. The heart whispers. But who can hear whispers when someone else is shouting?
It takes training to silence the worries of the mind and bring ourselves back to the present moment over and over again. This way, we can start listening to the heart.
Reason #9: You take yourself too seriously
“To practice Zen means to realize one’s existence in the beauty and clarity of this present moment, rather than letting life unravel in useless daydreaming of the past and future.” John Daishin Buksbazen
You think life is black or white, failure or success — every decision life-threatening and possibly catastrophe-inducing. You care too much about what others think instead of living your life in joy. You say you are a perfectionist when deep down you are just shutting the expression of your being down based on how you think others will receive you. You forgot about our innate ability to play. That big drama freezes you — makes it all so stiff, and painful.
So… which of these reasons are blocking you?
How to know what you want
I’m sorry to bring this to you, but there is no magical 3-step magical formula. To know what we truly want is above all a process of self-discovery. It requires us to look closely into the parts of us we avoid looking at, such as fears, shame, patterns, and self-judgment.
The good thing is, on the other side of the tunnel there is you, with more clarity, more direction, and a more expanded life.
So… how to get to know what I want, you ask?
1 Surrender to not knowing
Accept that this is where you are and stop fighting it. Stop putting it under the carpet, judging yourself about it, and allow yourself to take a look at the rabbit hole.
We all get lost at some point. Big deal. Welcome to being human. Make peace with it. It’s time to walk toward the confusion, instead of from it. Keep asking yourself what you want, and dare to go deeper.
That is in itself a huge step towards healing Reason #3, self-love and self-acceptance.
2 Babe, you gotta have faith
“Faith is critical to all innovation. Without faith, it is suicidal to be a leader, to act like a heretic.” Seth Godin
Believe that it will be fine-that there is light on the other side of the tunnel; that there is more to life and to you; and that the journey is what it is for the better version of you to rise.
Faith is what keeps us going. It is not a religious thing, it is merely an undefeated mindset. Pessimists have no chance here. To walk forward toward anything, you need to have faith in it. It’s impossible to initiate and change things without faith. Every step, every action you take towards anything, is an act of faith in some belief.
We all believe in something, be it that we will thrive by following the rules, that we are doomed, or that we can expand beyond our current situation and make things better.
If you are to overcome the resistance of your comfort zone and status quo, you need to have faith there is something in there for you, and you have to hold on to that belief. At the end of the day, it is faith in something more, in something better, that overcomes fear.
3 Lighten up
It’s crucial to understand that facing your confusion does not mean taking yourself so seriously. Relax a bit, be gentle, and give yourself love. Follow your interests, follow curiosity, and go play. Take action by doing what brings you joy. See this as a creative, self-exploratory process of being better friends with yourself. Allow it all to unfold step by step, without the need for full clarity from Day 1.
Entertain different possibilities instead of their holes. Stop not even considering what you want because of restrictions and difficulties. Instead, explore possibilities from a place of curiosity, joy, and willingness to live. Laugh at yourself; laugh at the absurdity of it all, and allow yourself to play with possibilities for sheer fun.
4 Connect more with yourself = reprogram yourself
Our answers lie within each one of us — but to hear them and believe them, we need to connect more to ourselves. This is something we don’t learn in school, as the status quo thrives in obedience and compliance.
As you can see in the list of 9 Reasons presented in this piece, these reasons mostly come from our heads, from our self-talk, and from our beliefs. It takes reprogramming ourselves with the idea that we are worth it, that we are good enough, and that what we want is a valid dream. At the end of the day, it is about loving and accepting ourselves more.
Accept that a long period of lack of connection to your heart won’t be fixed within two days. You are fighting decades of social and mental programming here. Be gentle and allow this programming to dissolve.
Even if you know what is blocking you on a mental level, to actually shift and embody change in your whole being is a whole other thing. Your mind is not as much in control here as you would like to believe.
Observe your actions and your thoughts, slow down, talk more to yourself, and be your best friend.
5 Why so busy?
Make space for nothing. Simplify your schedule, and don’t be always busy. Allow yourself to be bored and feel lost.
Dissatisfaction and even anger are fuel. These feelings will push you to walk forward and get out of where you are.
If you keep distracting yourself, watching funny videos, being on your phone, overworking, and who knows what, then you are using your energy to, well, distract yourself and stay stuck.
In other words, create spaciousness for awareness of your preferences and longings. Even for small things like deciding what to eat for dinner, or what piece of the pie you want, can you just make up your mind and state aloud what you want?
6 Who are your friends?
Surround yourself with people who inspire you and who show you in practice what is possible — people that love themselves. These people will automatically reprogram your mind simply by showing your brain what is possible.
Read success stories and watch documentaries about people who have done things that inspire you. Feed yourself with motivation, inspiration, and faith.
Being with other people who are stuck in these same issues as you are and hold limiting beliefs will do nothing but hold you back.
Here is the tricky part: the point is to get inspiration and expand your mind. Do not fall into the trap of comparing yourself or imitating others. Do not lose yourself and be anything but yourself.
7 Contemplate your situation
“A few steps back is sometimes needed to find clarity in the confusion.” April Mae Monterrosa
Contemplate and assess what is working in your life now and what is not. At the end of every day, write down the top three best things of the day and the top struggles you had.
This is not a gratitude list. This is an action list. Bring your attention to what is already working, that you are grateful for, and take action to expand them even more in your life. Also, acknowledge what is not working, and take action to reduce them.
You can also journal daily, and always come back to the same questions: what is important to you — and what is not? What are your values? What do you long for? What are you currently putting your time and energy on — and why?
8 Take my online course, “Set Your Intentions: What do you want?”
This is a creative self-exploratory program where you get to connect more to yourself and dig deeper into your heart. The whole program has 11 audio lessons and is full of exercises designed to support you to get clarity and alignment.
It’s action-time! Not only will you know yourself better and get clarity, but you will also get organized to get started and make it happen. Learn more here.
Ready? Grab pen and paper and let’s get started!
Testimonials
“The Setting Intentions course was an intense journey with great discoveries and self-care. I’ve recognized my own patterns and found a way to make meaningful changes.” — Mariana Molinos, 35, Photography Director
“If you’re unsure of what you truly want out of life, what makes you excited you will find these answers here. The Setting Intentions program will clarify and structure confusing thoughts. I have a clear direction now!” — Nathalie Johansson, 34, Business Consultant
“The Setting Intention program helped me in an easy way to understand my own intentions more clearly and gave me a supportive framework for what I should focus on to make my intentions real.” — Stefan Liström, 40, Project Manager
Hi, I am Aline Ra M, spiritual guide, energy worker, and tea lover.
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