9 Important Reminders For Recovering People-Pleasers
#1 Your needs matter too.
Do you find yourself saying “yes” to things you don’t want to do, just to avoid conflict or please others?
Are you someone who often puts others’ needs before your own, even if it comes at your own expense?
If so, you’re a people-pleaser — and you know how difficult it can be to let go of your need to make everyone feel comfortable. That’s because, deep down, you believe your worth is based on your ability to please everyone.
I used to be just like you, and it took me years to change and start setting boundaries.
This article is for you.
1. Your needs matter too.
As a people-pleaser, it’s easy to forget about your own needs and focus solely on those of others. But it’s important to remember that you are just as deserving of care and attention as anyone else.
You don’t have to continue putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own. You deserve to take care of yourself, so please remember that prioritizing your well-being doesn’t make you selfish — it makes you emotionally mature.
2. You are not a bad person for saying no.
I know that saying no to someone can be terrifying, but it’s important to remember that your time and energy are valuable. Saying yes to everything and everyone will leave you feeling overwhelmed and burnt out, and that’s not what you want.
You have the right to say no to things that don’t align with your values, priorities, or needs.
3. You don’t need to justify yourself.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling like you have to explain every decision you make or action you take. But the truth is, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for living your life on your own terms.
You have the right to decline a request or invitation without feeling guilty or obligated to explain yourself.
You are the expert on your own life. You know what’s best for you, and you don’t need to justify your decisions to anyone else. If someone questions your choices, remember that it’s not a reflection of your worth or value. You don’t need anyone else’s approval to live your life the way you see fit.
4. You’re not responsible for the emotions of others.
Listen to me: it’s not your responsibility to fix or manage the feelings/emotions/issues of those around you.
Everyone is responsible for their own emotions. You can support someone and be there for them, but ultimately it’s up to them to take responsibility for their own feelings. You can’t control how someone else reacts or feels about a situation, but you can control your actions and reactions.
Your job is to be supportive and kind, but you can’t control how someone else feels. It’s important to set boundaries and take care of your own needs, even if it means someone else might be upset or disappointed.
5. It’s okay to ask for help.
People-pleasers often feel like they have to do everything themselves. We over-commit ourselves because we feel like we have to go out of our way to please everyone.
Here’s the thing: no one can do everything alone. It’s okay to ask for help when you need it, whether it’s from a friend, family member, or professional. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re incompetent or incapable, it just means you’re human.
It’s time to start practicing self-compassion and acknowledging that you don’t have to do everything alone. You’re allowed to reach out for help, and you deserve to receive it.
6. Not everyone will like you, and that’s okay.
I get it. You’re used to seeking validation from others.
However, the truth is that you are worthy and deserving of love and respect, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It’s impossible to please everyone, and trying to do so will only lead to burnout and disappointment.
Remember that it’s not about being liked by everyone, but rather about being true to yourself and living your life authentically. You don’t have to compromise your values or beliefs to please others. It’s okay to have different opinions and preferences, and it’s important to surround yourself with people who accept and respect you for who you are.
7. Not everyone will respect your boundaries. Your job is to keep reinforcing them.
Boundaries are essential for your well-being, and it’s important to enforce them, even (especially) when others don’t respect them.
Setting boundaries isn’t about controlling others or being selfish. It’s about prioritizing your own needs and protecting your mental and emotional health. Not everyone will understand or agree with your boundaries, but that’s okay. Your job is to keep reinforcing and communicating them.
Your boundaries are not negotiable, and it’s up to you to enforce them, even if they may disappoint or upset someone else.
8. You don’t need external validation. You just need to listen to your own voice.
External validation is temporary and often fleeting. It makes you feel good in the moment (because your ego feels safe), but it doesn’t really make you happy.
That’s why seeking external validation is a never-ending cycle that will never truly fulfill you. Besides, you have the power to validate yourself and your choices. You are capable of making the right decisions for yourself and you don’t need anyone else’s validation to do so.
9. It’s never too late to make a change.
If you’ve been a people-pleaser for a long time, it may feel difficult to change. But it’s never too late to start setting healthy boundaries and honoring your needs. Small changes can lead to big improvements in your life.
As I wrote in You Have Every Right To Start Saying No And Stop Pleasing Others,
“You have every right to prioritize your well-being, even if people will call you selfish.
You have every right to honor your emotional, physical, and spiritual needs.
You have every right to stop being the person who pleases everyone and says yes to everything.
You have every right to change your opinions, feelings, beliefs, values, and priorities.
You have every right to become your own person and create a different life for yourself.”
As a recovering people-pleaser, it can be challenging to prioritize your own needs and set healthy boundaries.
However, it’s essential to remember that you have the power to take care of yourself and to live your life on your own terms. So, keep these reminders in mind as you navigate your life, and reread them as many times as you need to. You got this!