9 Agonizing Signs That You Are In An Unhealthy Relationship

And what you can do to turn your situation around.

“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you’re allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.” — Shannon L. Alder

A short two years ago, Ethel was deeply in love with Peter. She worshipped the ground he walked on and he reciprocated her sentiments.

Their love was so deeply inspiring and I wanted a happy ending to their love story. When it comes to love, movies show us happy endings and so do most books. As a result, we have been wired to expect happy endings in our lives — our relationships, our studies, our goals and ambitions.

We assume after the princess finds her prince, they ride off into the sunset, they lived a life of exciting romance and bliss until the end of time.

Fast forward to today, they are no longer together. Ethel swears she will never fall in love again and suffers nightmares every night from the trauma their relationship inflicted on her. I suspect she has a mild case of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Ethel and Peter were in an unhealthy relationship.

Like most unhealthy relationships, it did not start out that way.

In the beginning, it was a fairytale relationship that could only be conceived in the movies. He loved hard on her, showered her with gifts and compliments, and wanted to be with her every waking moment. In due time, this behaviour evolved into possessiveness, manipulation, and verbal and physical abuse.

You see, being in an unhealthy relationship is not always obvious on the get-go. Sometimes the signs of an unhealthy relationship are hidden just beneath the surface. Your partner could get you flowers, shower you with compliments, take you out on dates, get you gifts, and still gaslight you so much that it is unhealthy for you to be in that relationship.

So how do you spot the signs that you are in an unhealthy relationship?

I enjoy being in love, I enjoy writing about love, and the thoughtful comments people leave when my articles resonate with them. I love when people share their own experiences or weigh in with their thoughts on an article I have written.

Writing this particular one saddens me because I have been there and it takes me back to that dark time in my life where I always had a nauseous feeling and my stomach constantly in knots. The worst part was not knowing what to do with all my unwanted emotions.

If this article resonates with you, I am sorry, and I hope that you will find value in some of my advice.

Here are 9 Agonizing Signs That You Are In An Unhealthy Relationship and what you can do to turn your situation around

1. Your Partner Gaslights You

“They do not lie to you because the truth will hurt your feelings; rather, the truth might provoke you to make choices that do not serve their interests.” — Lizzie Natesky

According to Healthline, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s seen in abusive and unhealthy relationships. It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity.

The term “gaslighting” comes from a play and subsequent movie called “Gaslight.” In the movie, the devious husband, played by Charles Boyer, manipulates and torments his wife, played by Ingrid Bergman, to convince her she’s going mad.

Gaslighting, whether intentional or not, is a form of manipulation. Gaslighting can happen in many types of relationships, including those with bosses, friends, and parents. But one of the most devastating forms of gaslighting is when it occurs in a relationship between a couple.

In the case of Ethel and her partner Peter, he would somehow always make it seem like he resorted to questionable behaviour because of something that she did. It turned her into someone unsure of herself and her actions.

To me, it was an obvious sign that my friend was in an unhealthy relationship.

2. Your Partner Does Not Love You

“And while she never felt quite normal, she was nowhere near crazy; she just loved too much. Choosing to see the world through her heart, instead of through her eyes.” — Jessica Michelle

One of the most excruciating signs that you might be in an unhealthy relationship is the stark realization that your partner no longer loves you.

They also usually seem uninterested in initiating any form of intimacy with you at all. When you do get intimate, they seem detached and distant. People do not usually dramatically withdraw affection in a romantic relationship if everything is going well.

Towards their breakup, Ethel noticed that there has been a core lack of intimacy in general — less kissing, hand-holding, hugging, or touching. This is a screaming red flag that I think should not be ignored.

In healthy relationships, partners endeavour to express love towards each other.

3. You Feel A Need To Suppress Your Emotions

“The long-term pain suffered by suppressing emotions is far greater than the short-term pain of confronting them.” — Sam Owen

In unhealthy relationships, one of the partners (or sometimes both partners) feel a need to suppress their genuine emotions. Suppressing your feelings is unhealthy, especially when those feelings are anger or resentment.

This research study suggests that couples tend to die younger when partners have different styles of coping with anger; the more severe the mismatch, the greater the risk of early death for both partners.

In some relationships, one person might be very dissatisfied, while the other is completely unaware of an issue. Addressing this situation means conflict, but that conflict does not have to end a relationship.

Effective conflict resolution can improve and repair a relationship. Unresolved conflict is bad, but a botched attempt at reaching a resolution is even worse. It leads to unhealthy relationships.

How you choose to resolve conflict will affect any relationship in which you’re involved. If you’re dealing with extreme conflict, couples counselling or individual therapy can be very helpful.

In an unhealthy relationship, people feel compelled to suppress their emotions.

4. You Feel Emotionally Cheated By Your Partner

“And you promise yourself you will never fall so hard again until you meet someone who makes the fall feel like flying.” — Nikita Gill

Cheating isn’t always a physical act. You can actually cheat on your partner in an emotional sense too, which typically happens through small yet intimate actions and a lack of transparency about those actions with your partner.

According to Dr Tammy Nelson, PhD, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized expert in sex therapy, emotional cheating is characterized by micro-cheating behaviours that could lead to more intense sexual behaviours.

They might include confiding in someone other than your partner about your relationship or choosing to spend the majority of your free time hanging out or texting with a person who you aren’t actually dating.

She says that when you are emotionally cheating, it is all about the emotional connection with the other person. It is about crossing lines and sharing things that would make your partner uncomfortable including negatively talking about them.

It is important and healthy for couples to have their own hobbies and friendships, but if your partner is adamant about separating their life from yours when they used to bring you to their group hangs, it can be a sign that they’re distancing themselves from the relationship in a suspicious way.

This can be a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

5. You Are Never Good Enough

“Comparison is a thief of joy.” — Theodore Roosevelt

If your partner is interested in someone else, there is a possibility that they will end up weighing your pros and cons against theirs. This is a sign that they might no longer be in love with you, and your relationship might soon deteriorate into an unhealthy one.

It is deeply unfair to you as a partner when you’re the one in the relationship while the crush gets to be in the unattainable fantasy stage. There’s something “shiny new object” about this person that your partner is attracted to.

In the case of my friend Ethel, she says her partner used to adore her but a time came when she couldn’t seem to do anything right in his eyes. He was always comparing her to that other co-worker.

When your partner keeps comparing you to a specific person, this might be a sign of emotional cheating on his part and this is not good for your relationship.

It is a sign of an unhealthy relationship if your partner keeps comparing you to someone else all the time.

6. Your Partner Picks Unnecessary Fights

“Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays, it insists on it.” — Russell Wayne Baker

When you are stuck in an unhealthy relationship, your partner will pick unnecessary fights and might even accuse you of wanting to break up. You might realize that your fights become more and more ridiculous as time goes on, and many times, you have no idea how they start.

Your partner might be seeking an easy way out.

They will even go as far as asking if you are cheating or want out of the relationship. They want you to get so fed up that you’re the one who breaks up with them, sparing them the difficult, messy task of sitting you down and ending your partnership because they like someone else or want to be single.

I just chuckled at this because having been through this experience myself, I wonder how I did not see it at the moment. Ethel’s partner went from a gentle teddy bear that barely gets upset, to a crouching tiger always ready to pounce and attack as their relationship advanced.

It is an unhealthy situation to be in with someone you love.

7. They Prefer To Share Important Parts Of Their Life With Someone Else

“You are a diamond, but some people prefer rhinestones, and that’s okay.” — Unknown

In a healthy relationship, there is joy and love to be found in the mundane. To have a safe space where you can talk to your partner about anything. To be able to rant and vent, and provide a safe space for them to do the same.

In my opinion, one of the best parts of being in a healthy relationship is having someone that you can tell your whole day about — the highs, the lows, the meh, and everything in between.

So, if your partner used to excitedly or boringly share about their day, and they used to be open to sharing their feelings and now are suddenly all closed up, it could be that they are sharing that part of their lives with someone else.

If you find this out and confront them about it as Ethel did, and they do not care about your emotions on the matter. And instead, go right ahead with that behaviour although you clearly stipulated that it hurts you — that is an unhealthy relationship.

With Ethel and Peter, her trouble started when she observed that her boyfriend was now more vested in sharing about his day with a co-worker every single evening. When she pointed it out, he became surly and said it was her fault that he was venting to someone else because she no longer has a welcoming aura.

I know this to be a form of gaslighting, which is a clear sign of an unhealthy relationship.

8. Their Become A Different Person From Who You Fell In Love With

“Love is disgusting when you no longer possess yourself.” — Pola Negri

When someone is in an unhealthy relationship, the signs are always there. Many times, people choose to find the silver lining and refuse to acknowledge the toxicity of the relationship they are in.

My friend Ethel kept telling herself that this was just a phase and that it would pass, and Peter would become the person she fell in love with.

She was wrong. Once a relationship tends towards being unhealthy, many times it just becomes a downward spiral from that point on.

When a relationship starts to deteriorate towards being unhealthy, the partner who is the root cause will start to act uneasy around you. They will seek out other people’s company and claim that they are more comfortable and flexible around them than they are around you.

They will miss out on time with you to grab drinks with their new friend, but when you suggest weekend plans, they are suddenly not sure if they have the time or the money. They will be more cautious about carving out space for you, especially if it involves anything in the future.

According to Dr Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PhD, Professor Emerita of Psychological and Brain Sciences of the University of Massachusetts Amherst, this might mean that they are in the contemplating phase, and they are exploring alternatives.

“At the moment, for some reason, they’re afraid to break up with you. They’re afraid that they’re not sure or they’re not ready. Keeping you at arm’s length without making any big promises, lets them emotionally test the waters with someone new while having you as a backup option.”

This kind of relationship will ultimately break your self-esteem, and it is unhealthy and toxic.

9. You Already Know You Are In An Unhealthy Relationship But You Keep Making Excuses For Them

“If a person wants you, nothing can keep them away. If they do not want you, nothing can make them stay. Stop making excuses for people and their behaviour. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be.” — Oprah Winfrey

Maybe the most agonizing sign of them all is the fact that you sense that you are in an unhealthy relationship, but somehow, keep convincing yourself that your partner is just having a bad day, or has had some misfortune that is making them act up.

Have you heard of the sixth sense?

It is an ability to know something without using the ordinary five senses of sight, hearing, smell, touch, and taste. For example, my sixth sense told me something awful was going to happen the day I finally broke up with my toxic ex-boyfriend.

The sixth sense is serving you constantly. You know that you are in an unhealthy relationship. But many times, you feel helpless and hopeless about it. You, unfortunately, feel like there is nothing you can do to salvage your situation.

Ok, so this list confirms your fears, and you realize you are in an unhealthy relationship. What now?

“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” — Victor Frankl

“I would suggest that you tread lightly.” Dr Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PhD, advises that you be really careful because even the idea of confronting is going to put the person on the defensive.

Her advice is to use “I” statements and to shift the focus to how you’re feeling as a partner and as a couple. Say you’re feeling distant from them or as though you’re not being listened to as much as you used to. Avoid bringing up any specific person or “suspect,” because you still could be wrong, and the discussion can veer off track.

And, if you are right, your partner may not want to own up to it.

For Ethel, in the end, she realized the best thing to do was to let Peter go. It hurt like hell but she eventually found her way back to herself, she learned to love herself a little more, and always be kinder to herself.

“You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.” — Nina Simone

The best thing you can do for your own mental health and peace of mind is, to be honest about how you feel. The only thing you know for sure is that your gut is telling you that something’s not right. Listen to it.

My recommendation: if it does not seem fixable, do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Do not pick up pieces of shattered glass to save other people’s feet. In a nutshell, let it go. Unhealthy relationships are rarely worth it, and sometimes end up in death. Let it go.

Ultimately, only you can make your own decisions and you have to live up to their consequences.

And now your thoughts…

If you were Ethel, what would you do to turn your relationship around and make it work? Would you call it quits as she did? Have you been in this situation before? I would love to hear your thoughts.

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