Is Your Vagina Weird Too?

Surely I’m not the only one wondering if my panty hamster is ‘normal’…

I was around 15 years old when I first took a mirror to my lady bits. I’m pretty sure I was horrified. My face probably contorted like I’d seen the creature from the black lagoon down there.

Let’s face it: the first time you angle a mirror down there to see your mossy cleft — it’s a bit like seeing a blobfish on land…that, for some reason, has hair. You’re welcome for the imagery. I could have said a cute little fuzzy peach, I suppose (but let’s face it, that’s not accurate for many of us), or a sideways view of Homer Simpson’s mouth (which is surprisingly accurate for a cartoon).

It would be years before I saw another one. Now thanks to porn and being a bit of a hoebag, I’ve seen a fair share. And it always left me wondering, is there a ‘normal’ look? Or are all our calamari cock rings unique, like snowflakes?

I can’t be the only person curious about the normalcy of my penis penitentiary, so let’s do this.

Scent

Go big or go home; let’s start with penis fly traps’ particular eau de pussfume. We’ve all heard the old joke, often from men, that “It smells like fish.” Not that penises smell like lavender bacon, either. But is there a ‘normal’ smell? And more importantly, does ours, in particular, smell bad?

Well, first off, if they smelled that bad, why did Gwyneth Paltrow sell out of her vagina-scented candle? I wish I was making that up. Her Goop products are all ludicrous, including the vagina steaming. Ladies, don’t risk burning your bits with a steam clean (or douche) — the vagina is a self-cleaning oven.

Did you know that The Notorious V.A.G.’s odors can change throughout the month? I certainly didn’t until right now. They can even smell metallic at certain parts of the monthly cycle, apparently. On top of that, they can smell different after sex. This one I know to be true, and it can vary depending on the partner. He can change your aroma as if you sucked the scent right out of him.

Sweat (and other bodily fluids) is one of the things that changes the odor with/after sex. It can also happen with exercise. Your moose knuckle will do the heavy lifting with the internal cleaning, though, so all you need is a gentle exterior wash. Wearing 100% cotton underwear can also help, as can letting the old slobber pocket breathe by going commando.

Drastic changes in scent, however, with a suddenly foul smell, can indicate infection.

Shape

Sing it with me, peeps, ‘Do…your…lips hang low, do they wobble to and fro — can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow?’.

Thanks to terms like “roast beef curtains” being thrown around, a lot of women are self-conscious about their labia minora (that’s the inner lips, the lasagna bits). Some women are so self-conscious that they have labiaplasty done. Yes, that is what you think it is: a surgery to reduce the size of the labia.

Labia, however, naturally come in different shapes and sizes. And they can be wrinklier than a nutsack.

They’re all normal.

They’re also often not symmetrical. Yup, the labia are as lopsided as our breasticles.

Sound

Yes, our fun dungeons can make sounds. Queefs. Many women feel shameful for letting out a front-butt fart, but it is simply air trapped up there that needs to escape. This can happen with sex or exercise, or if you’re my friend Jen, on demand.

While it can be embarrassing during a yoga class, it’s natural. We’ve all done it. And if it happens after sex, just tell your dude it’s vaginal applause. Let the ole boy know he’s done a good ole job.

Color

The only time to worry about color is if your pink truffle turns blue. Don’t worry, though; they shouldn’t turn blue unless you’ve been labia-hugging a Smurf. The color of your Vulvarine (an apt nickname since, like Wolverine, they heal rapidly) can range from pink to purple to reddish to brown — often depending on how swaggy your melanin is. Both labia are commonly darker than your skin tone.

Fun fact: during hanky panky, when the blood is really flowing, your Lawrence of A Labia can become even darker.

Don’t worry about the color; men (and women) will treat it like Skittles and taste the rainbow.

Taste

Hands up if you’ve ever tasted your own soft-shelled tuna taco. No? Ok, I’ll put my hand back down then. If you’ve ever wondered if your particular flavor is Michelin-star level, you’re not alone; it’s another common concern.

But vagina’s taste…well, like vaginas. Just like penises taste like penises. Unless you’re comedian Daniel Sloss, who, in one standup routine, talked about how, in an attempt to freshen up his tonsil tickler with a ‘gentlemen’s wash,’ he used mouthwash on it. Apparently, it tasted minty (and burned), which surprised his partner since she was expecting a standard cock-flavored penis.

If you’re super worried about it, you can buy peach-flavored vaginal suppositories. Certain brands even claim to fight yeast infections (but I’m no gynecologist, so probably ask yours). That scores a good 3.74 on my what-the-fuck o’meter.

But again, your Spam sandwich likely tastes exactly like a ham wallet should. You can refer back to the Skittles analogy above if you prefer candy to canned meat.

Conclusion

We women can be as nervous about our clams as men are about their wangs, but we don’t really talk about it much. Our pink oysters are all different, but they’re all perfectly imperfect — and normal. They’re all like fine wines or fancy cars (like one of those Bentleys with the retractable hood ornament).

If you’re worried about what your potential partner will think. Well, if it’s a woman, she’ll just be happy to have your lesbian lunchbox on the menu (and she’s sporting her own unique box). If it’s a man — they’re probably just really happy to be naked with you and thrilled to be near your erection-correction trench.

Your vagina is normal.

~Robin Wilding, reporting from…one of the weirder internet rabbit holes I’ve crawled into for research yet.