Whoreoscope: What Your Pubes Shape Says About Your Personality

Bushzilla to Pubepunzel — the shape of your shave may reveal a treasure trail of personality traits

So, I was tidying up the ole fur burger today, after what was clearly too long left neglected. Much like waiting too long between haircuts, the previous pubescape borders were gone and I had to start anew.

What started with just tidying up some edges apparently led me to full-blown fupa OCD. I’d gone razor amok. With my snatchsquatch gone, I got to pondering about back in the days when I would experiment with different designs and shapes for my hairy handbag.

You’ve all done this too right? Ok, so only a few of you (will admit it).

There are ample reasons to tame your southern soul patch. Some do it for cleanliness, others for comfort (and some don’t shave for the exact same reason) — but the most popular reason is oral sex. Nobody wants to be flossing during cuntalingus or a blowie. I personally prefer a groomed garden when doing mouth-to-south resuscitation. And when I have a (prospective) partner, I tend to keep a clean clam because some men don’t need another excuse to not find the clitosaurus.

My inadvertent shaving shenanigans got me thinking about the shapes I’ve shorn and the distinguished designs I’ve seen on partners over the years. Perhaps I’ve just bumped uglies with people with too much time on our hands, but could there be more to it than that? Does the curtain match the brain drapes in terms of personality?

While I do like to research my articles thoroughly, I wasn’t sure I could get a big enough data sample size of whisker biscuits and womb-broom grooms to approach this scientifically.

So, here are my edumacated guesses about what your crotch-carpet shearing says about your personality.

Full Bush

Your crotch clearly yearns for days gone by. Your inner love child has embraced your forbidden forest in your choice to remain au natural. If you’re rockin’ a full bush but aren’t a hippy at heart, your ball fro or snatchsquatch might simply be for comfort, or not giving a flying fucksicle.

Ideal sexual partner recruitment places: 70s porn sets, hippy ashrams, and feminist marches.

Bald

If you’ve committed hairy kari on your fur pet and gone completely bald, well, hats off to you. But keep the hat in case it gets cold down there. My guess is that you prefer clean lines and design, you went a little too razor-happy and there was no turning back — or your crotch lawn is recovering from a case of crabgrass.

Ideal sexual partner recruitment places: Modern porn sets and esthetician training schools.

Brazilian

The Brazilian is even balder than a freedom eagle. Your decision to clearcut your rainforest says to me that you clearly have a high tolerance for pain and are possibly a borderline masochist.

Ideal sexual partner recruitment places: Brazil, esthetician training schools (but go in the afternoon after the advanced classes let out), and BDSM clubs.

Landing Strip

Landing strips are for those with partners who are directionally challenged. Bonus points if you add a directional arrow at the bottom — wouldn’t want anyone to get lost.

Ideal sexual partner recruitment places: airports, pilot lounges, and PTA meetings.

Mutton Chops

If you opt for the reverse landing strip it’s called the mutton chops. This particular cooter coif shows that you truly go against the grain (hopefully not while shaving though) of life.

Ideal sexual partner recruitment places: biker bars and civil war reenactments.

Fu Manchu

If you’re sporting a fu manchu atop your pink oyster or meat stick — you have incredible attention to detail and dedication. You’ve clearly put ample thought into your downstairs mustache. The effort alone of carving a fu manchu into your boner bonsai deserves a standing ovation.

Ideal sexual partner recruitment places: some incredibly niche section of the web that most of us don’t want to venture into.

The Charlie Chaplin

The fraction-of-a-landing-strip pube shave often happens accidentally, where you just went a little too razor-happy. Just be careful you don’t shave too much or you could end up with the unhappy accident of the Hitler stache, nobody likes the furburger Führer look.

If you Chaplin’d your crotch on purpose, you’re probably not a big fan of talking and simply want to get down to the naughty nitty gritty. If you accidentally went too far and don’t have the balls to pull off the Charlie Chaplin, you can always revert to bald, wait a couple of weeks, and try again.

Ideal sexual partner recruitment places: old-age homes and silent movie theatres.

Merkin

The effort it takes to sport a crotch wig tells me that you have a flair for the dramatic. Bonus points if it’s bedazzled, although if bedazzling sits atop a pink hot pocket — would that make it vag-azzled?

Ideal sexual partner recruitment places: extremely-specific Hollywood movie and porn sets

Pubepunzel

The Pubepunzel look says that you’re a woman who has given up shaving entirely, probably for years, waiting for Prince Albert to come rescue you. You’ve taken to braiding it in your spare time.

Ideal sexual partner recruitment places: Tinder

Which one of these am I sporting after my sanity-questioning shearing session? Well, I guess after going a little razor-gone-wild, I’ll have to wait a bit before I try the mutton chops, and just settle for the landing strip that my wookie cookie accidentally got today.

Robin Wilding, reporting from…yet another weird I-had-to-google-this-shit-for-an-article-I-swear rabbit hole.

*A dishonorable mention to The Sturg, Victor Cardenas for the word “whorescope” and Ben Ulansey for the word “pubescape”. Well played lads.