#86 — Bring Back the Joy: This Insane Holiday Tradition Has to Go

The annual perfect family humble-brag holiday cards make people dislike you

I don’t know about you, but there is one part of the traditional family holiday season I particularly dread.

The annual perfect family humble-brag holiday card.

You know the ones I’m talking about. The professional photo of mom, dad, their 2.5 children and the dog all huddled happily together. Showing off their impossibly bright pearly whites.

Nobody is crying. Nobody is pulling hair. Nobody is pulling faces. Nobody is bleeding.

In all of these photos, everyone is perfectly posed. They are all smiling in a spotless room that looks like it was decorated by Martha Stewart herself. And there is a definite theme to the ornaments.

Not an ugly nor a homemade one in sight.

The family members are all dressed alike. Even the dog. It could be coordinated costumes, same sweaters, paired pajamas or carbon-copied caps. If they’re exceptionally competitive, it could be all of the above.

I can hear it now. Oh, they were all so adorable! I just couldn’t pick one.

Do you know what a successful family photo looks like in my immediate family?

No blood? No tears? No rabbit ears? Good to go.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to see your family photos. I also want to read your annual updates. I just want them to at least resemble reality.

And I don’t know about you, but I’m lucky just to get a card and a brief update nowadays. It seems like there is a whole industry built around creating full-blown holiday magazines for folks now — complete with professional layouts and feature stories that rival the National Inquirer.

I swear some of my friends and family are in the wrong careers. They should be marketers. Or spin doctors. A few might even have future careers in politics.

Their storytelling is that good.

Let’s be honest. If even half of the stuff people put in their holiday updates were true, the world would be a much better place.

I’ve seen resumes containing more factual information!

I stopped sending out these holiday missives years ago.

One, the competition was getting out of hand with my friends and family. You wouldn’t believe the one-upmanship that had developed. (Or, maybe you would.) I simply couldn’t compete. I know my limitations.

Two, I never had anything remotely interesting to share.

My most significant achievement this year was not missing a day of work. I’m still single, still killing houseplants, and the dog is still grumpy. I don’t know why. I kinda envy his life.

I don’t care how good of a writer you are; you can’t make that sound impressive.

(I also didn’t want people to know Little Timmy seemed to have more ambition in kindergarten than I’d had over the past few years combined. But that’s a whole other story.)

But seriously, let’s stop this madness.

Nobody is falling for your perfect family holiday fake. You’re just stressing out yourselves, those competing with you, and those struggling for whatever reason. And that last group — it includes everyone I know right now.

Please, make life easier for yourselves. And everyone else.

Fact: every perfectly fake family utopia packet you send out makes people dislike you — even if they love you.

My family has some of the worst fake family photo offenders.

I say this with love to my relatives, but who do you think you’re fooling?

We know you. We know your devil spawn. We know your spouse never cracks a smile in real life. (And we don’t necessarily blame them.) We know your house looks like a tornado tore through it. And we know everything you’ve been up to this year — because like everyone else, we follow the crime blotter in the local paper.

So why send out this annual lie?

I would much rather see my extended family in all their imperfect glory. That’s a card I would be happy to have on my mantle because that’s the family I love. Or at least tolerate. Most of the time.

Those people in the holiday cards? The ones who have their hair done, makeup applied correctly and are smiling in matching festive sweaters they wouldn’t normally be caught dead in?

I don’t know those people.

Now, if they were in kinda matching “Christmas Camo,” complete with a mounted Rudolph in the background — those people I know.

Do you know what everyone secretly wants for Christmas* next year?

*(Please feel free to insert Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Yule, or any other cultural or religious holiday here. I don’t want anyone to feel left out. My message is a universal one.)

Stop pretending everything is a perfect Instagram life and just be real.

I know my house can’t be the only one that needs the “20-minute stuff and fluff” before visitors drop by during the holidays. I know Mom and I can’t be the only ones who don’t look great in photos this time of year (when we can’t fit in haircuts or root touch-ups). And I know darn well my dog isn’t the only one who hates wearing matching pajamas for family photos.

If he has to wear something, it must be unique. He has a reputation to maintain.

But, if you simply have to have the whole perfect humble-brag family picture around the tree next year, please do me a big favor. It will absolutely make my year.

Include the outtakes, so I know who you are.