8 Ways to Give Sexual Aftercare
Even if you have to give it to yourself
If you’re not part of the BDSM scene, you probably haven’t heard of aftercare. But if you’re not getting or giving any, your sex life is definitely missing something.
It’s a concept I didn’t have for most of my sexually active years, but I could still feel the difference when I didn’t get it.
Aftercare is basically all about your hormones.
Sexual stimulation and orgasms flush your nervous system with dopamine, endorphins, and other incredible brain chemicals. They give you those hungry peaks of desire, those blissed out euphoric states, and the deeply relieving and relaxing satisfaction that come with a powerful orgasm.
They can also kind of fuck you up.
Hitting all those peaks means you have to come down from them. If you slowly descend back to your normal state, everything’s fine. You get to sigh pleasantly and smile while you replay the amazing sex you just had.
If that hormonal drop happens too quickly, though, it can feel like a crash landing.
If your partner gives you aftercare, you can handle that crash pretty well. You’ll have comfort, reassurance, and you’ll keep that connection you felt during sex.
Unfortunately, not everyone gets enough of it. I used to hear a lot about guys who would roll over and go to sleep right after sex. Now, the complaints I see online are about people grabbing their phones soon after they’re done fucking.
Not getting the aftercare you need makes it hard to handle the hormonal crash that happens after sex.
Instead of warm, fuzzy feelings, you end up feeling disconnected from your partner. In some cases, you might be feeling sad, embarrassed, lonely, used, unloved, awkward, or just uncomfortable. In some cases, it can leave you with anxiety or feelings of depression.
I’ve been through those drops a lot in my life, but I always found them hard to articulate. I couldn’t always pinpoint the exact feelings I was having or what had caused them. I just knew that I felt weird and I didn’t like it one bit.
Unsurprisingly, the post-fuck crash can affect the way you see your partner. You might not feel attracted to them anymore, even though you were horny and pulling them closer just an hour before. You might no longer feel safe around them.
Not getting enough aftercare can make you lose interest in having sex with them. It can leave you in that awkward state where you still have a libido and some sexual urges, but don’t want to get frisky with your partner.
And how hard it hits you might depend on the kind of sex you’re having.
I personally need even more aftercare when I’m messing around with someone new. The new relationship energy makes me desire them like crazy. But because the highs are so high, the lows feel even lower. When I feel abruptly disconnected after sex, I’m left feeling bewildered, anxious, and unloved.
It also happens when I have some really good kinky sex. My husband and I are really into control play and power play. The best sex we have is always when his dominant side takes over and I get to be as submissive as I can be.
He’ll tie me up and blindfold me. He’ll talk dirty to me. He’ll tease and edge me until I lose complete control over myself.
And if everything goes well, I’ll fall into subspace.
Subspace is hard to describe, but it’s something that happens when I get in such a perfectly submissive state of mind that I feel complete euphoria. Experiencing subspace is like being on some really fucking good drugs.
When that blissed out feeling washes away, it settles into a warm, comfortable, connected feeling — as long as I get the aftercare I need. When I don’t, it leaves me feeling profoundly sad and lonely.
So, whether you’re having vanilla sex or getting as kinky as can be, aftercare is really fucking important.
Giving aftercare (or asking for it) is a lot easier when you know what it actually looks like. Here are a few different ways you can give aftercare to your partner, and some ways to give it to yourself. Because sometimes, you’ll be stuck having to take matters into your own hands.
Ways to Give Your Partner Aftercare
Cuddle Up
The simplest and easiest way to prevent a feeling of disconnection after sex is to keep to physical intimacy going.
It doesn’t even matter what you do when you’re cuddling. You can put on some music and listen to it together. You can turn on the TV show you’ve been watching. Or you can just lie there in each other’s arms, listening to your breathing slowly go back to its normal pace.
What matters is that you still feel close in those crucial moments after sex.
Debrief
A really good way to feel great about the sex you just had is to talk about it.
You can praise your partner for what they did exceptionally well. You can go over the hottest part of the night. You can talk over what you’d love to try next time.
Talking those things over is a great way to feel reassured while still keeping the emotional intimacy turned up.
It’s especially important when the sex wasn’t amazing.
If something made you feel weird, if you didn’t care for that one thing your partner tried, or if you just couldn’t get things to work the way they normally do, talking it over can keep those wrinkles from turning into something worse.
There were times when I felt like my husband was a little too domineering during sex. Sometimes, I worry that I couldn’t give him good enough sex or a long enough blowjob. Other times, I just feel insecure about something and I don’t even know what it is.
When that happens, debriefing brings me back to feeling safe and comfortable.
Replenish Your Energy
Really good sex is exhausting. Unless you took a few breaks while you were going at it, there’s a good chance you come out of it thirsty, a bit sore, and maybe a little hungry too.
If your partner feels like their energy’s been drained after a good session, helping them meet those physical needs will keep the good vibes going.
Get them a tall glass of water. Make them a snack and share it with them. Rub their back or thighs or whatever other part of their body feels tense.
I also find that getting this kind of treatment makes me feel taken care of, which helps strengthen the intimacy.
Asking your partner to hop off to the kitchen to make you a sandwich after sex is stereotypically rude behavior. But offering to make them one is some high-quality care.
Take a Bath Together
It’s really hard to feel disconnected when you’re taking a bath together. All the touching, closeness, and the vulnerability of being naked together will keep the physical intimacy going.
You can go all out and use bath products to make it a soothing, sensory experience or you can just keep it simple and enjoy the warm water together. All that really matters is that you’re present with each other during that time.
Read Out Loud
Reading to your partner is a surprisingly sweet and intimate activity.
Sometimes, Mr. Austin will read erotica to me as a way to get us both in the mood for sex.
But after we’re done, he’ll sometimes pick up a book we’re working through together and read a chapter or two of it to me.
Reading out loud to your partner is a good way to keep a feeling of connection with them, while they get to just relax and enjoy the sound of your voice.
Giving Yourself Aftercare
Getting aftercare is essential for amazing sex, but unfortunately it’s not always possible to get it from your partner.
There can be some legitimate reasons for this.
As parents of four kids, my husband and I have spent the last ten years in a situation where anything we do at night can be interrupted by hearing a kid crying on the baby monitor.
I don’t have enough fingers to count the times it happens right after we’re done fucking. I’m still naked and panting when Mr. Austin throws some clothes on and runs out of the room to put the baby back to sleep.
I’m always grateful that we at least got to finish, but it still means I’ve got to take my aftercare into my own hands.
The same can happen with long-distance relationships. If your schedules are hard to line up, you might end up having cybersex, phone sex, or have a really dirty Skype call and then hanging up soon after.
It can also happen when you decide to have a quickie before your partner leaves the house. That hot little 15 minutes ends might end up making you feel lonely and weird at the end, like something was left unfinished.
Sadly, though, in a lot of cases people aren’t getting the aftercare they need because their partner doesn’t give it to them.
I’ve been on the receiving end of phone sex that ended with a hangup instead of the deeper connection I was hoping to get. And lots of people have partners that treat them a little coldly or get distant after sex.
If you keep having to give yourself aftercare because your partner isn’t doing it, you need to have a conversation with them about it. And if it’s still a persistent issue, you might want to reevaluate the relationship.
In some cases, it can be a red flag for a deeper issue. They might refuse to give you aftercare because they’re emotionally unavailable, uncomfortable communicating with you, or just not very giving in general.
But even if there’s no underlying issue, not getting the aftercare you need is still a big problem.
Sex is an important part of most relationships, and you won’t be able to enjoy that part of it if you feel let down after every fuck. Moving on from someone who isn’t willing to give you aftercare can save you years of boredom, tension, and disconnection.
In the meantime, though, here are some ways to give yourself the aftercare you need after sex.
Get Comfortable
Feeling your partner’s touch after sex is the best, but if you can’t get it you should at least enjoy the things that you find physically comforting.
Put on a warm sweater and fuzzy socks. Wrap yourself in your favorite blanket. Turn up the heat in your room if you’re feeling chilly otherwise.
If you’re the type of person who likes a weighted blanket, pull it on top of you.
Once you’re as comfortable as you can be, watch a really good TV show, read a chapter in a book you’re enjoying, or just listen to music or one of your favorite podcasts.
Do Some Journaling
If you can’t debrief with your partner, at the very least you can debrief with yourself.
Chances are your head is swimming with lots of thoughts and feelings. Writing them all out is a great way to get some clarity, give yourself some perspective, and figure out exactly what you need in that moment.
You can come to big revelations or just feel like you’ve purged yourself of a few things. Either way, you’ll feel a lot better if you put it all on paper.
Take Care of Yourself
When you’re feeling weird after an abrupt disconnection, it’s easy to just wallow.
You can sit around feeling weird, not being sure what to do.
Instead, figure out exactly what you need and give it to yourself.
Get water or make some tea if you’re thirsty. Get yourself a snack if you’re feeling hungry.
If you feel anxious, light some candles, listen to some music, and do whatever else will soothe you and make you feel relaxed.
If the lack of aftercare is making you question things about your partner, give yourself room to think it over. Go for a walk so you can clear your head and really focus your thoughts.
If it leaves you feeling unloved, discarded, or whatever, give yourself a facial, take a bubble bath, and do all the things that make you feel like you’re worth it.
Never Skip the Sexual Aftercare
Whether you get it from your partner or have to give it to yourself, you should never skip the sexual aftercare.
I consider it an essential part of sex. Not getting it can disappoint you right when you should be feeling your best. It can damage your connection and weaken your relationship. It can kill your libido.
It can even retroactively ruin great sex. I’ve had some really fucking hot experiences that should’ve left me satisfied and in a horny haze. But because there wasn’t any aftercare, it changed the way I felt about the sex itself.
Aftercare is never too much to ask for. You owe it to yourself to get it — and your partner owes it to you, too.
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