8 Ways To Dial Down The Dysfunction In Your Relationship
Avoiding these relationship traps can help you keep things healthy from the start.
“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.” ― Ernest Hemingway
Relationships are work, that’s for sure.
When you’re with the right person, things are easier, but nobody’s perfect, and that includes you.
We all bring a certain amount of baggage from one relationship to the next.
If you grew up in a family that didn’t model healthy communication or interpersonal skills, you probably have some bad habits embedded in your programming. This can be confusing and triggering, leading you to act out these dysfunctional assumptions that trap you every time you get involved. You may not even be aware of it.
It’s these assumptions about how relationships are supposed to work that can dial-up our dysfunction.
Since recognizing a problem is the first step to fixing it, here are 8 dysfunctional habits that can ruin any relationship.
If you see yourself in these behaviors, you might want to give them some thought and see if there is a way you can tone it down a bit, do some work on yourself and take the pressure off your partner.
These are some traps we can fall into that can lead to problems:
1. Expecting the other person will heal you.
When you fall in love, the rush of endorphins is so intense, it feels like the connection is magical. You feel as though your partner has superpowers. While it’s true that love can heal, it doesn’t automatically mean that’s what’s happening. A great partner can provide safety and support as you heal yourself, but they can’t do the work.
If you haven’t already worked on yourself, that initial rush will eventually wear off and leave you where you started.
2. Making your partner give up hobbies or friends.
Women seem to like to insert themselves between men and their sports, and men often want to control women’s social lives.
Ladies, you’re not competing with a game, you’re in a different category.
If you can’t find something to do by yourself for a couple of hours a week, maybe you’re the one with the problem. If he’s generally neglectful, the sport isn’t the core issue.
Men, women need their women friends. Period.
Maybe you don’t like them, that’s okay, they’re not your friends. If her friends are truly terrible, it’s up to her to figure out and deal with it. But trust me when I say, you don’t want to be your woman’s only friend. You couldn’t handle the sheer volume of words you will be responsible for listening to if you are.
In a healthy relationship, there should be lots of room for everybody and everything.
3. Thinking that you won’t ever fight or get mad at each other.
When you first fall in love, you can’t imagine ever being mad at your partner. They’re perfect in every way.
But if you think you’re never going to fight, you’re in for a rude awakening.
Every couple fights.
Unless one person is totally cowed by the other, or there is some other underlying power issue, it will happen. It’s nothing to be ashamed or afraid of, and if you fight now and again, your relationship isn’t necessarily failing.
My husband and I argue regularly. We’re both strong-willed and opinionated. It doesn’t mean we hate each other. It means our relationship is a continually evolving entity that occasionally goes through growing pains.
4. Expecting that you’ll be nice to each other 100% of the time.
If you’re with someone long enough, you’ll eventually say or do something stupid or hurtful, that you don’t mean.
Life is full of stresses and triggers, you’ll inevitably lash out now and again. Of course, you don’t want to, but sometimes it just happens. When it happens, try not to make a big deal about it, forgive graciously and move on.
In a perfect world, we’re civilized and mature, 100% of the time, but in the real world, not so much. If you know your partner loves you and has your best interest most of the time, don’t take every stupid thing they say when they’re angry or stressed out personally.
Remember, though, there’s an enormous difference between someone acting like a jerk now and again and someone who is just a total jerk, so if someone is abusive, that’s not the same thing.
5. Making your partner your obsession.
When you first get together, you’ll be preoccupied, that’s for sure. You’ll think about that person all the time. But as tempting as it might be, don’t try to make them your everything.
Like it or not, you’re still an individual.
Don’t give up everything you love for someone. Don’t try to cram another person into every hole in your soul. It’s too much pressure to be the only interest in someone’s life.
Keep some space in your life for yourself and your interests. Keep your friends, your sports, your hobbies, and your passions. Those things will keep you grounded when you go through the rough patches and allow you to give your partner breathing space.
If someone wants to be the only thing you have, they might not be super healthy themselves.
6. Forcing common interests.
If you like antiquing at 6 am on a Saturday, don’t expect your partner to magically get on board just because you’ve made your relationship official.
You don’t have to be an attached at the hip, matching sweaters kind of couple. Everyone thinks they’re creepy anyway.
7. Thinking that person will change how they live when you move in together.
If you have totally different living habits, moving in might not be like a charming rom-com. It’s more likely going to be hell for both of you.
If your boyfriend’s apartment is filthy, you can choose to move in. But be warned, you’ll probably be the only one cleaning.
Likewise, if your girlfriend has 60 stuffed animals lined up on her bed, remember, you were warned.
If how they live creeps you out or makes you feel dirty, it will only amplify if you move in together. You’d be advised to try not to unsee what you’ve seen.
8. Expecting the penny to stay shiny.
Every great love story starts hot and heavy. But that kind of passion isn’t sustainable.
Sometimes when we settle into a groove, that emotional tapering off is interpreted as a problem. But nothing stays new forever, and relationships are no different.
Instead of getting freaked out when things settle down, look at it as a new chapter. One where excitement quiets, but feelings deepen.
A new pair of jeans might be crisp and perfect, but once you get them worked in, that’s when the magic happens.
That perfect fit is the real joy of any relationship and something that evolves over the years. I would never think of looking for something new because I couldn’t imagine anyone fitting me as my husband does. He’s perfect for me, especially after all these years — not despite them.
There are definitely expectations you should have when you commit.
You should be treated with respect and dignity. You should have fidelity and friendship. You should be seen and heard, valued, and cherished. Expect your wildest dreams to come true, and then some. Love is incredible, and that’s how it should be.
But falling deeply in love can also be confusing and triggering, leading us to believe we need to follow our dysfunctional patterns for it to work.
Realizing there are some things you can’t expect from one person or relationship is an essential part of dialing down the dysfunction. Becoming aware of some common relationship traps can get you on track for success right from the start.
Thanks so much for reading!
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