Satire
8 Unusually Effective Ways To Relieve Stress
Not the normal stress relief, but effective AF
Stress is the biggest serial killer this world has ever seen. Or at least since that fat serial killer clown died.
Stress is the underlying cause of many diseases, conditions and violent acts. In my opinion, we need to start putting more emphasis on controlling stress and less on cleaning up stress’ aftermath. With that revolutionary approach in mind, I made a list of the things that help me deal with my extreme stress level. I have six kids in addition to my full-time job so I am the human version of stress. And, yes, I also am the cause of my underlying diseases.
Disclaimer: The following would not be recommended to you by a therapist or a doctor. But I’m neither so we are good.
Drink
I don’t drink constantly, but I do enjoy a few glasses of wine, or up to a bottle, each night to help me unwind and wash away the absolute bullshit I have dealt with all day long as a landlord and mother. Sometimes, when I’m feeling fancy AF, I’ll cut up some fruit and add it to my wine along with a gummy worm or five.
You can also drink water if you want to be hydrated. Or gin. Just drink.
Internet Yelling
Personally, I don’t do this one because I get really into arguments and tend to take it quickly from an argument to a criminal charge. But, I have seen first hand that many people enjoy going on the Internet and picking fights with strangers for the relaxation.
I don’t understand it. Maybe they were bullied as a child. So they are passing the torch on now to adults online. Or maybe they are cowards and are saying everything they want to say to someone’s face. But instead of saying it to someone’s face they get an anonymous person online to take the heat. If you want to call a keyboard warrior tossing names around anonymously heat.
I take my aggression out on strangers in person like a real warrior not a keyboard one. Do I regret it? Usually.
Cup checks
A fun thing to do, after a long day of stress, is a cup check. Walk up to your husband and yell, “Cup check” and gently, or violently, smack the crotch to see if he is wearing a cup. Obviously, he probably won’t be, so it will bring him to his knees for your enjoyment.
Be aware that cup checks hurt on women as well as men. And you might get revenge plotted against you for this little act of stress relief, as well. But they don’t call them stress balls for nothing.
Meditation
As someone with ADHD, meditation is about as easy as growing wings and flying away for me. I have tried it off and on for years and have been unsuccessful in reaching the supposed state of enlightenment. So, I just changed the meaning of meditation from the widely known version to my version. My version of meditation is what other people refer to as sleeping.
Goat yoga
I hate exercise and would rather practice self-punishment in other ways, such as watching Nascar, calling my man Daddy, or dressing up in camouflage. But, since we have all been massively brainwashed to believe this exercise nonsense is good for you and is not undercover population control, I force myself to do some kind every month.
Whoever decided to incorporate animals with exercise is a genius. Goat yoga is the cutest thing you will ever do, to include your boyfriend. Incorporating a goat that will jump right on your spine whilst in the middle of yoga, is a fun way to relax and self-harm all at once. I don’t actually know if it is fun, but it looks fun when I watch it on television. Obviously, I wouldn’t do something like that myself.
Those are some ideas to help you de-stress. If that doesn’t work, I cannot emphasis enough the value of lots of medication. I haven’t been a self-care expert for long, but I’m already soaring from the success. Or the wine.