8 Types of Toxic Personalities To Avoid
If you are dating them, run for the hills!
I am not a big fan of personality profiles. Humans are complex, I don’t think they should be pigeonholed into stereotypes. This goes for healthy, loving and caring individuals as well as for abusers. That being said, when it comes to the latter, I have found it incredibly helpful to read about the different types of toxic personalities. Because so many of them resonated with my own experience. It has helped me to gain clarity and label all the things that happened to me as abuse, where I didn’t recognise it as such for a long time.
Unfortunately, there is still so much stigma around abuse that this overly simplified categorisation is often crucial for victims to understand the severity of the situation. Because this is not a matter of occasional difficult behaviour, this is a matter of systematic, targeted and often very conscious abuse. And opposed to otherwise healthy long-term relationships that have fizzled out over time, if you recognise one or more of these personalities, this is not the point where you pick up marriage counselling; This is the point where you run!
No, you don’t have to wait for a partner to become physically violent to call it abuse. No, you don’t have to look at “your part” or your wrongdoings that might have caused abusive behaviour. No, you don’t have to work harder to minimise the occurrence and earn their love or respect. And no, you cannot change or fix them, if someone was genuinely a loving, caring and healthy individual there wouldn’t be a pattern to their difficult behaviour.
1. The Bully
The bully is someone who is usually intimidating but might refrain from physical violence. They might shout, tower over you, throw items or destroy property without ever hitting.
They can bully by withholding love, affection or conversation. If they don’t get their way they sulk. Fights or discussions are generally not about finding common ground or resolutions but about the bully getting their way by any means possible. They might interrupt frequently, accuse and blame, often using generalisations:
“You make me …” “You always …” “If you really loved me, you would …”
They may use other people to seemingly strengthen their position in arguments, your children or friends and family:
“How can you do this to your children”, “All of our friends think you are too sensitive”, “I have never had any issues like these in past relationships”
When the bully feels that you have wronged them (usually because you stood up to their disrespect) they might punish you by stone-walling, withholding love or cheating. They might threaten to leave, commit suicide or take your children away.
The bully will always put their own needs over yours and their goal is to get them met at any cost.
2. Mr./Ms. Sensitive
The sensitive type of abuser is a difficult one to spot because they may never appear as intimidating or aggressive as the bully.
(They are) soft-spoken, gentle, and supportive — when they aren’t being abusive. They love the language of feelings, openly sharing their insecurities, their fears, and their emotional injuries. Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That?
On the surface, it might look like they are a loving, caring and emotionally mature partner, but if you look closer you might find that it’s a tactic to gain control. The way to differentiate an abuser from a healthy emotional partner is that with the abuser, the relationship always revolves around their feelings.
You seem to be hurting them constantly despite your best efforts, sometimes you have no idea why. Instead of pointing out why they feel you have hurt them, they might stone-wall, retreat or punish you.
If you have said something insensitive and apologised for it they will hold it against you eternally and bring it up at every opportunity. They might then also go on to blame you for anything at all that upsets them. However, should your feelings be hurt for any other reasons, they will gloss over it or tell you that you are being too sensitive.
3. The Control-freak
Abuse is generally about control. The difference between an independent individual who may seem controlling or have OCD is that abuse involves control over another person. The control-freak will openly, or subtly over time, take control of your life.
They will ask you to check in with them, appear concerned or even upset if you don’t tell them everything straight away. They might appear overly jealous or forbid you from talking to other people or seeing your friends.
They can control your finances, what clothes you are wearing or what hobbies you engage in. They will often mask their intentions. For example:
- They tell you not to see your friends because they worry that your friends don’t have your best intentions at heart
- They will ask you to share your location because they worry that you might get hurt
- They take care of your finances because they are a lot more knowledgeable and are helping in tackling your “shopping addiction”
- They tell you what to wear because they care so much about how you come across at your workplace
- They ask you to give up your hobby because they love you so incredibly much that they cannot bear to be apart from you for any amount of time
- They forbid you from talking to people of the other sex because you are so attractive that everyone will be flirting with you
To spot an abuser who is a control freak it can be helpful to look at the actions they are asking you to do rather than all the reasons they are giving you. If you had to summarise all their long-winded explanations and reasoning into a single action, what would it be? What are they asking you to do? They are asking you to hand over control to them.
4. Mr./Ms. Demanding
The core belief that drives many abusers is the view that you exist to meet their needs. They have no sense of “give and take”. They will not ask you to do something for them, they will expect it and react with anger or punish you if you do not meet the expectations.
Their demands for emotional support, favors, caretaking, or sexual attention are well out of proportion to their contributions; They constantly feel that you owe them things that they have done nothing to earn. Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That?
Whenever the demanding partner contributes something to the relationship it is attached to a condition or they expect endless gratitude. They will grossly exaggerate their own contributions or keep lists that seem to work in their favour.
If you ask for something that doesn’t align with their demands they might become aggressive or bullying. They will call you demanding, selfish or say that you are taking advantage of them.
They may also find it difficult to take criticism, especially on anything they have “done for you”. For example, it would be outrageous of you to point out that they have washed all your clothes on the wrong temperature cycle, after all, you should be grateful to them that they have put on a washing machine which was your job in the first place.
As with most abusers they might not openly share their demands, they will imply them. They will rarely tell you what they are expecting of you or your role in a relationship but rather punish you or react angrily if the demands are not met.
5. Mr./Ms. Right
Everyone likes to be right, right? A few of my friends have this running joke in their relationship: “We are both always right”. But a common argument about where the car was parked or which direction to take is different from being in a relationship with an abuser who is Mr or Ms Right.
Mr or Ms Right consider themselves superior to anyone in the world. Their opinion or views are the only ones that are correct. Moreover, they cannot accept that anyone would have a different opinion. They have a constant need to lecture others.
In a relationship, they will be highly controlling of all aspects of your life because they know better what is best for you. Quite often they don’t only know what is best for you to do but what is best for you to think. Your role is to admire them for their wisdom and never ever challenge them.
If you ever disagree with Mr or Ms Right they will be quick to point out that it’s a sign of your inferiority and stupidity. They might often argue their views to the point of exhaustion where it seems easier for you to shut up than to ever express an opposed opinion instead.
6. The Player
The player views a relationship or the world as a game, the greater the challenge the more satisfying the win. They are often very attractive and charming and flirt with everyone in sight, even in front of their partners.
However, the player isn’t always the centre of attention. Covert narcissist, for example, may appear insecure, humble and sensitive. Their game is to make you believe that you are the only person giving them attention, when in fact they will have a pool of supply around them.
Players are skilful liars who can manipulate their victims into buying into the reality they have created. It is difficult to spot a player if you are a pawn in their game.
I have dated a man who was seeing at least 3 women at the same time and no one, not even his family, colleagues or any of us had a clue. This is because the player has learned to present themselves exactly in the way that you want to see them. In a relationship, they know exactly what you are craving, how to make you feel special while at the same time keep you guessing where you stand with them. The goal is that you devote your undivided attention to them, hold them in high regard and concentrate on your behaviours to make them love you.
They will naturally lie about anything while presenting themself as the most honest and loyal person you will have come across. What makes their lies so difficult to spot is that they might seem insignificant. They will lie when the truth is a better story. This is to confuse you. If they have already lied about trivial things and convinced you successfully about their fabricated reality you might not notice if they continue to lie about affairs etc.
They often seek the thrill of nearly being found out, for example, my ex arranged seemingly unintentional situations for his mistress and myself to meet or speak while making sure that each one of us thought he loathed the other. The more people they can rope into their game, the better. They will keep people who buy into their narrative close and block/shame or discredit anyone who might challenge it.
7. The Gaslighter
The gaslighter is also a skilled liar and manipulator but their primary goal is to make you doubt your own perception. This is a method to gain ultimate control: You do not believe your own intuition or perception but rely on the realities the gaslighter is seeking to create.
Gaslighting is so dangerous because you don’t see it coming. I may start with tiny conversations or little seeds of doubt planted. It is a pattern of manipulative behaviours that increase so gradually that victims will often not notice.
To spot gaslighters you might have to go as far as to record what they are saying or go back through seemingly insignificant chats or messages with a fine-tooth comb.
If you find yourself at a point where you feel like you have gone mad, or need professional help to sort out “your issues” that didn’t exist before you entered the relationship, chances are you have fallen for a gaslighter.
Learn more about gaslighters and their behaviours:
8. The Victim
Similar to Mr/Ms. Sensitive the victim type of abuser might never be physically violent or overly angry. It can be difficult to differentiate between someone who has genuinely been a victim of abuse and an abuser who claims to be a victim. The reason abusers present themselves as victims especially to new partners it to harvest your empathy and excuse their difficult behaviour.
For this type of abuser, victimhood isn’t an occurrence or an event that happened at a particular stage or relationship; it’s a state of being. They are the victim of a difficult childhood, mental health disorders, addiction and a string of abusive partners. Even in small situations or at work they might be quick to create a narrative that makes you feel sorry for them.
They often project their behaviour onto others. If they tell you about how everyone in the world is treating them unfairly, this might be a sign that they haven’t been treating others in the way they describe.
A way to spot an abuser who pretends to be a victim is to delve deeper into the claims that they make. Do they use their victimhood to excuse or continue with difficult behaviour? For example, if they disrespect you, instead of apologising do they demand instant forgiveness because you should know that they had a difficult childhood, were drunk etc.?
Pay attention to how they talk and think about abused women. A genuine male victim tends to feel sympathy for abused women and support their cause. The Victim, on the other hand, often says that women exaggerate or fabricate their claims of abuse or insists that men are abused just as much as women are. Bancroft, Lundy. Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That?
Final thoughts
Unfortunately, this is not an extensive list and it’s a very high-level overview of these different types of toxic personalities. They are personalities rather than personality traits because it is important to recognise that we are not looking at occasional difficult behaviour. If you are recognising any or all of these personalities the chances are you are in an abusive relationship.
I said at the start, it’s time to run, however, I realise that it’s not that simple. In fact, it is extremely difficult for victims of abuse to leave their perpetrator even after they have realised how abusive they are.
The sources quoted and drawn upon in this article can also provide guidance on how to deal and live with these types of personalities if you cannot leave:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
In the UK you can find the Domestic Abuse helpline here: https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
And in the USA here: https://www.thehotline.org/
If you recognise any of the described behaviours even if your partner is never physically violent you can give them a call and talk through your situation.
Feel free to reach out to me on Twitter as well.
