Family
How “Malicious Mothers” Destroy Their Kids Childhoods
The world needs fathers too.
My friend has been recently through a divorce. He has two children. It was supposed to be a “humane” divorce, but somehow after the breakup, his ex started creating drama and became unnecessary hostile towards him.
I knew they had a lot of issues when they were together, she was one of those women who wished to have him on the “leash”. I remember how she used to phone frequently during the day to “check up” on him. We used to work together.
After work, we used to drink together, and he would tell me how unhappy he was.
He was loyal to her. He is a good father. He always put her needs before his.
Somehow it was never enough for her.
He lived under her “regime” for 7 years. She pressured him into moving in with her family. Her family, then too, started dictating him what to do. He became depressed, gained significant weight and nearly every night drank wine.
One day, he found his voice and stood up to her father. He disagreed on the topic of their children. Little did he realize, that he triggered something inside of him — self-respect. His wife and her family didn’t like that one bit, so they told him to leave and so he did.
He tried to persuade his wife to go the therapy and work on their relationship, but she wasn’t interested. They agreed it would be best for them to separate. Soon after, I introduced him to my good friend and they became a couple.
What happened next, was not a happily ever after though.
You see, it is quite common that when someone ends the relationship that their former partner is hurt and wishes to harm the “leaving” partner. But sometimes their anger becomes rage and the actions they take to prevent others from living a new life in peace.
All gets worse when innocent children are present.
His ex has tried to deny him visitation rights, has reduced contact between him and his children and has become hostile to him and his family. As if that wasn’t enough, she also spread rumours and made threats to his new partner. It’s a tragedy — their children are suffering.
Why did all of this happen and what could he possibly do?
Unfortunately, people like his ex exist. There are millions of them, and they ruin children lives.
Often these women are somehow feeling betrayed by their partner, they are angry and they are unable to put aside these feelings to work along with their ex-partner to do what's best for their children. You will see these women usually using terms as “my” children rather than “our” children. They are severely controlling and they do vicious things only because they lost control over their partner.
This is called “malicious” behaviour and can endanger the child leading to emotional and psychological abuse of a child and harassment of the other parent.
What Defines A Malicious Parent?
I will put is simply — malicious parent does all in their power to hurt the other parent, disregarding the feelings and wishes of the child.
They often use a child as a “tool” to get back at the parent, who left them or who managed to free themselves from their “control”. In a legal sense the parent has to meet the following criteria to qualify as a “malicious” parent:
- The parent is “motivated” by a desire to punish or hurt the other parent.
- The parent has tried on multiple occasions to reduce, limit or monitor the contact between the children and the other parent.
- The parent has lied about the other parent or has degraded the other parent in front of the child.
- The parent doesn’t suffer from any mental health conditions, and therefore is acting consciously and “maliciously”.
What Does Malicious Parent Usually Do?
Even if you tick of all the above, it is very tricky to prove in court that the parent is acting maliciously. Many parents don’t pursue this because of their children, they don’t wish to expose them to more hostility than they are already exposed to. And quite often, fighting malicious parents would only cause them to emotionally and psychologically abuse their children even more.
Therefore many parents leave the battlefield, but not the war.
My friend's ex ticked off all the criteria that qualified her for the title of “malicious”, tragically, she did few more things that are not on the list and that caused severe detriment to their children.
Tactics she used are very covert but dangerous nevertheless if you too are “surviving” the malicious ex and fighting for the healthy development of your children, look out for these. Here they are.
They “Degrade” the Other Parent
The malicious parent would degrade the other parent in front of the child. As an example, they would tell the child not to listen to other parents or not to do their chores with the goal to cause the child to disrespect and value less the other parent.
The malicious parent will create this false sense for the child that it's them who provides them with “freedom” while the other parent is the controlling one, and wishes to inflict rules onto the child, which the child should not follow.
Slowly the kid will grow older and repeatedly complain about the parent, saying things such as “he/she makes me do homework a lot” or “he/she is too strict” but unable to give an example of such an occasion.
Malicious parents create “smear campaigns”, aiming to destroy any respect the child has for the other parent. It’s important to watch out for these signs. Rebuilding the respect your child has for you can be tedious and nearly impossible as every time they are with the malicious parent all that you have built may be destroyed. But it's not hopeless.
They Create “False Memories”
When destroying the love and respect the child has for the other parent the malicious parent may resort to a vicious technique of creating false memories to manipulate the child and invalidate the other people in the child life.
My friend’s ex used this technique to harm my friend's partner — she implemented a false memory into their children stating that my friend has cheated on her prior to their divorce.
His children believed this so much that they told him that they “remember” seeing his new partner long before the divorce, which is impossible — she lived abroad and was in a relationship with another man, it was me who introduced them.
The false memories are tools implemented in the children’s brains for the alienators to use to manipulate the children. These memories are distortions of facts that did happen but they are distorted by these alienators.
The malicious parent then intentionally leads the children to misinterpret what’s going on to rather understand it in a way the malicious parent would like to. These poor children are told these lies so many times growing up that they get used to it and believe and adopt these as real.
As the saying goes “ a lie spoken out too many times, will eventually become the truth”.
They Spread “Hatred”
My friend’s ex went so far that she even started spreading lies about him and his partner to their children's school, bad-mouthing him how he has cheated on her multiple times and doesn’t love their children, doesn’t pay child support and now has multiple younger girlfriends.
Malicious parents forget about their children, and how fragile they are — the kids are like sponges that soak in all emotions around them.
On his last visit, my friend’s sons lashed out at him and even their grandmother just because they were not given an ice cream when they demanded it. They said very hurtful things and somehow brought in their mother comparing her how much “better” she is and how “right” she is about their father. They went so far that they said they don’t want anything to do with his family — separating themselves from him.
The malicious parent does all to spread the animosity to other people. If the father is the targeted parent, the child’s hate spreads from the father to his family members. Even though the relatives have done nothing wrong, the child will hate them and never want to see them just because they are associated with the father.
They Make Their Children “Pick Sides”
Upon one of his visits, he was due to pick up his sons from his ex-partner's house. On that day, she wasn’t willing to let him see his sons, even though it was agreed in court. My friend’s ex asked the children to “decide” whether they would like to see their father.
Obviously, my friend didn’t let this play out and left with children.
The malicious parent will do anything in their power to create such an environment where children would feel as if they must pick a parent in order to avoid any confrontation. The longer this abuse goes on, a child will then automatically learn to side with the “preferred ”parent and disagree with the alienated parent.
They Destroy Childhoods
At least 13.4% of children are alienated in the United States. Severe parental alienation impacts children but mild forms can also cause significant harm which can go on for many years. This harm goes beyond just the impacts of being exposed to conflict and parental pathology. It can leave a long-lasting effect and can cause severe developmental issues for the children.
Some of the effects of alienation are:
- Low self-esteem.
- Inability to express grief and empathy
- Self-hatred, self-harm.
- Attachment issues
- Substance abuse
- Mental Health Issues
I would add loss of innocence and childhood. Which once lost can never be relived again.
If your children are being “alienated” from you, act now and seek help from professionals. It is never late to amend the relationship, even though often the damage is irreversible, many children who have been alienated come to realization in adulthood and re-connect with the parent that they have lost.
Where is love, there is hope.
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Thank you for reading.
