What If The Problem Is Not Other People, But You?
Learning to identify if you are the problem is one of the best skills you can learn
Sometimes in life, we think that the problem is other people, but rarely in life do we ever think that the problem is us ourselves.
An ex-girlfriend of mine years back was in this situation. Everywhere she went, drama seemed to follow her. When I was dating her frequently she would ask me, “am I the problem, it’s not me is it.”
I would tell her every time that: “it’s not you, it’s them.”
When she had problems with her colleagues at work, she would ask me, “am I the problem, it’s not me is it.” When she fell out with her friends, never to speak to them again, she would ask me, “am I the problem, it’s not me is it.” When she frequently fell out with her family, she would ask me, “am I the problem, it’s not me is it.”
My answer was the same every time: “it’s not you, it’s them.”
I believed that answer, every time she told her side of the story, I believed that answer. But as time went on and everywhere she went drama and chaos seemed to follow her, I started to wonder, is she the problem?
Everywhere she went, literally everywhere, every society she joined, every class she went to, literally any time she was around people for any period of time, sometimes even for a short amount of time, somehow drama would ensue, and fallouts would follow.
I took her to a fair once, and she ended up getting into arguments with two different people. Despite this, I would tell her she was not the problem. I believed her side of the story.
Then we started having problems, she accused me of being the problem.
I expressed very clearly that she was the problem and not me, that I had given her endless support. That all she ever did was spit it back in my face.
We tried to persevere, then we had perhaps one of the most ridiculous fallouts in the world. I won’t go into detail, but she had a problem with her downstairs region — not an STI but a problem women get down there which can be easily remedied through an over-the-counter cream.
She demanded that despite her having this problem, I should continue to go down on her. That if I liked her pussy, I would still go down on it in this state.
I told her no chance, that she had to sort the problem first.
She erupted in a fit of fury and started ranting about feminism and inequality. This situation kept repeating itself along with a lot of other equally ridiculous ones. She started attacking me for everything. All rationality seemed to leave her. I fought back and told her I was not the problem, she was creating the problems.
Eventually, we ended. I told her she was the reason why. She did not want it to end. I told her that I did not want to be around her anymore. That she was the problem. I told her why. But in truth, my mind was in a state of disbelief, where had all this madness that had made her the problem come from? It was like she had morphed into a different person.
We met up again a year or so later, and she said something to me I never expected.
She told me that I was right, that she had been the problem.
After we broke up, she told me that she had fallen out with pretty much everyone and had ended up completely alone. As a result, she had gone to see a therapist, during which she realised that all this time she had been the problem.
She had identified why, she had PTSD as a result of something that had happened during her childhood, she had spent her adulthood trying to hide this. She made clear that she didn’t want to use that as an excuse but just wanted me to understand.
I did. We parted on good terms. And when we were having this discussion, it made me realise something.
She had been the problem, but she had not been alone, I had also been the problem, but not in the way you are thinking.
The evidence was resounding that she was the problem, she was creating all the chaos in all her friend groups, workplaces, everywhere. Her irrationality was so obvious to see it was crazy. But for some reason, I was completely blind to the fact that she was at fault. I couldn’t see it.
That was why I was the problem. Because I was blinded by perhaps my desire to protect her, to take her side because we were together, to believe her side of the story because it was the only side I knew, who knows. But I was blind to the evidence that what was destroying her life was not other people, but her herself.
It’s so easy to become blinded by both ourselves and other people. It is natural to take your own side and the side of those close to you. But doing so is the right thing to do only when it’s the right thing to do. When you know somebody is their own worst enemy and is the problem in their own life, if you truly care about them you need to tell them.
That is true friendship, that is true love. Being able to tell a person the straight-up truth. You are the problem, and if you don’t change, you’re going to end up alone.
It is the hardest thing to do because it’s the hardest thing to see. But learning to do it is one of the greatest skills you can learn.
All that time I was with my ex-girlfriend, I was blind to the fact that she was the problem in her life, then in one moment at the end, I explained in vivid detail how she was the problem. And it changed her life for the better. The truth changed her life.
In the beginning, she hated me for it. But in the end, she thanked me.
The truth can be bitter, it can be brutal, but it also can be liberating. And if it is as clear as day, you must fight to see it so that you can liberate not just the person close to you, but yourself.
That’s why, whenever anyone asks me now, “am I the problem, is it me”, I don’t just on reflex say no, I don’t just on instinct take their side. I say: “well let’s look at things from the perspective of the others involved and we will try to work it out.”
It’s amazing how when you do that, everything changes, and you cease being part of the problem and start becoming part of the solution.
Final words
Never let the desire to protect those you love blind you from the truth. Because the moment that happens is the moment you lose the ability to truly help both yourself and those people close to you.
That’s all from me, thanks for reading!
If you enjoyed this, you may also enjoy the following:
Did You Know That You Can Predict the Future?
Twenty-Six Killer Comebacks to Nasty Remarks
Six Psychological Reasons Why The Majority Of Modern Relationships Fail
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