RELATIONSHIPS

7 Ways to Not F*ck Up Your Relationship

You are not doomed. There’s help.

You find someone new and the next thing you know, you’re up to your eyeballs in apologies. How does this keep happening?

Now begins the whirlwind of self-doubt, because let’s face it…you’ve managed to fuck up most of your relationships and you don’t want to do that again.

So let’s get straight to what you came here for — some helpful relationship advice on how NOT to screw up your relationship.

The No-Fuckery Method of Maintaining Your Relationships

Relationships are hard. You know this. But just because you’ve a history of failing at them doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll mess this one up too.

Maybe you’ve grown a bit? Maybe you’ve learned a lesson or two? Matured?

While you are focused on doing things right, there are a few things to keep in mind:

• Do the work of the new relationship with the gung-ho-ness required.
• Go into it confident that you’ll do a great job at it this time.
• If you need help to wipe the slate clean on past issues, get the therapy you know you need. Your new partner, and you, deserve your healing.
• Commit yourself to doing better. Being better to and for your new partner.
• And, heed the advice below….seven helpful tips for not screwing up your relationships.

So, let’s get to the real shit. The kick in the arse you need right now to do this thing right this time.

1. OWN Your Past Mistakes

Years ago I had a very personal conversation with a friend who told me that my “abusive relationship” I’d lived through wasn’t my abusive partner’s fault. This stung.

He explained that I had to own my part, my mistakes in that relationship. Because it took two people to create that toxic environment. As much as it hurt to hear, and as hard as it was for me to break out of the cycle of victimization, my friend’s advice changed my life.

If you really want to not mess up your current relationships, you have to own your part in the demise of your previous ones.

Whatever your past toxic behaviors…

Whatever your past emotional immaturities…

…you have to own them to heal them. Before you eff up your next relationship with them.

2. Don’t Lie to Your Partner

Lying begets more lies and develops mistrust between partners. It’s a perpetual cycle of disconnection that can’t foster a healthy connection.

Here are a few thoughts to keep in mind:

• You can’t be honest with your partner if you are lying to yourself.
• You can’t build trust and intimacy with lies taking up the critical spaces between you and your partner’s hearts.
• You can’t truly bond with your partner when you are spending your time building a misconception or mistruth about who you are.

Lying to your partner demonstrates a few ugly things:

➡️ You don’t trust your partner with your truth.

➡️ You carry shame and guilt.

➡️ You’re doing things you have no business doing while in a relationship.

➡️ You do not respect yourself or your partner.

While some lying is normal, and can serve as a way to keep the peace or avoid hurting the other person’s feelings, trying to cover up actions or telling repeated lies can undermine a relationship. — VeryWell Mind

Honesty. It’s the bare minimum.

3. Don’t CHEAT!

I had a partner once tell me they’d cheated on every other partner they’d had. And that drugs or partying were involved every single time. This brings me to a few points:

1. Consider therapy and/or avoiding relationships until you can determine why you cheat on your partners.
2. Commit to your partner. Being faithful is a mindset.
3. Remove temptations and triggers!
4. Avoid circumstances that could perpetuate cheating. Like heading out to bars with a group of single friends — especially if getting drunk and touchy-feely is your “game.” Let your social groups know you are committed to your partner and then act accordingly.
5. See, again, the section above about not lying. If you do something and feel the need to lie to your partner about it — shouldn’t you NOT be doing that thing in the first place?
6. Impulse control issues and lack of boundaries are areas you can be honest with your partner about. Ask for support as you work on improving these things.

Honesty. It’s the bare minimum.

If you’ve cheated on previous partners, it’s time to face the hard truth. It wasn’t something they did to you or failed to do for you. Cheating was your decision.

If you don’t want to keep messing up relationships, get to the bottom of why you have trouble honoring your commitments, and your partner.

4. Don’t Say Dumb Shit

Your tongue has the power to either cultivate health in your relationship — or utterly destroy it. What you say to your partner and about your partner speaks directly to the level of respect and appreciation you feel for your partner.

In other words — mind your words before you make mincemeat of your partner’s heart — which they’ve trusted you with! — and your relationship.

There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing. — New American Standard Bible

💔 Do you want to undermine, chip away at, discredit, or demean your partner? Carelessly hurt them? Create festering emotional wounds within your relationship?— Then don’t speak too quickly, without thinking, or harshly. Words can’t be taken back!

❤️ Do you want to build up your partner by your words (and deeds)?

❤️ Do you want to be the kind of person your partner can come to — with anything that’s on their mind or heart?

❤️ Do you want your partner to feel safe with you?

All of these things require careful, compassionate, clear communication. And this is a skill set you can learn.

Read more on effective communication:

5. Don’t Police Your Partner

I call it “policing,” psychologists call it micromanaging, but there are lots of terms for this type of behavior. “Control” comes to mind.

You know if you are doing this in relationships. You are suspicious. You check up on your partner and find ways to control their behavior or usurp their own autonomy in their own life.

You might even dig through their phone or spy on them. You are convinced that they are doing something wrong and it is your job to catch them or fix their behavior.

By not trusting your partner to make their own choices, you are creating more of a problem.

Unchecked micromanagement can limit healthy growth by creating an unhealthy power dynamic in which one partner feels overpowered and stifled, resulting in resentment, compliance out of fear, or a desire to escape. — Clear Heart Counseling

Your partner is responsible for their own choices. And you are responsible for your own.

6. Don’t Live in Past Bullshit

“Lessons in life will be repeated until they are learned.”

― Frank Sonnenberg, Soul Food: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life

In psychology, it’s called “repetition compulsion” and it can be very damaging to your mental health — and very unfair to your new partner.

Think of your new relationship as a glass of fresh, clean, clear water.

Now, infuse your past (one drop of food coloring) into that clear water.

Are there any parts of the water unaffected? No.

The point being, that your past will infuse itself into your relationships and it is up to you to identify when you are responding not to your partner, but to past memories, past traumas, and past guilt.

Do not borrow the safe space of your partner to sow your healing — to your partner’s detriment. They are not your bridge to the better you. Nor are they an emotional sounding board for you to direct all your pain. They are not your therapist — they are a partner.

Treat them as a respected partner do your inner work and communicate honestly with your partner about what you’re going through, with no expectations of them to heal you from your past pains.

7. Don’t Move too Fast

This seventh point is a little iffy, but I felt it important to include. Many relationships get off to a fast start and manage to go the distance.

But often, the rush of hormones and lust can force partners into the next level of their relationship before they are emotionally ready for it.

Sometimes, you just want a relationship so much that you “play happy” for a while until it fizzles out and you wake up one day thinking — nope, they’re not “the one.” And now, people get way more hurt.

It’s best to take your time getting to know your partner.

Learning about the other is a process best accomplished with patience and calm and sets the groundwork and creates the foundation of the relationship. — Maria Baratta Ph.D., L.C.S.W., Psychology Today

Key Takeaways

A few summarizing points:

• Own your past mistakes and commit to doing better.
• Keep it real — no lying and cheating.
• Take your time and get to know your partner.
• Communicate with care, compassion, and clarity.
• Be patient with yourself and your partner.

Thanks for reading 7 Ways to Not F*ck Up Your Relationship. I hope it’s helped to shine some light on your current behaviors and given you some perspective.

More by this author:

Christina M. Ward (Books | Newsletter) covers wellness and productivity topics. Her work has been featured in Today’s Health Science, LA Weekly, Village Voice, Men’s Journal, Long Island Press, and OK! Magazine, among others.