7 Ways To Avoid a Meaningless Quarrel. How To Disengage and Avoid Saying Up Yours

This is my honest opinion.

I was taught by my parents that it is normal for spouses to quarrel. They rationalize it. I guess it has to be. When I was growing up, they bickered almost daily. Their contention covers a spectrum of issues. One day it was money. Thursday can be about what to eat.

And the issue with a quarrel is not about the issues to trash out. The emotional intensity of that moment stings. It stings hard and deep. And if it helps, that wound leaves a scar upon recovery.

I often wonder, what is the value of having a quarrel?

Is it perceived or intrinsic?

Let me try to think of the intrinsic value of a quarrel first.

Intrinsic Value of a Quarrel.

I cannot think of anything good to say about this, so I am forcing myself to think about its merit to build a comprehensive view on the topic.

I think a quarrel allows pent-up emotions to be released. We know how pent-up emotions are. Our spouse is obviously angry when we use the wrong color plates for the sushi roll, and she is tolerating it. They keep the emotions in for the preservation of harmony.

The harmony is rarely preserved because a ticking time bomb is due for an explosion. And we know it as we approach the last steps of tolerance expiration.

So, yup. A quarrel is good for letting it out. It is a blessing for the clueless or the ostriches who have their heads in the sand.

Perceived Value of a Quarrel.

I use the word perceived because it is contentious. Perception does not reflect reality. What you think you saw might not be there.

And this is the danger of engaging in a quarrel.

When Purple is Sparred with Blue.

Watch 2 little boys quarrel, and you will be amazed at their energy over the futility of exchange. They might play harmoniously in the sand, and all it takes is for the conversation to turn to something absolutely random.

Take, for instance, the sky.

A might start the conversation pointing towards the sky, calling it a bright purple. B will jump in with the plastic shovel and respond by saying that it is blue. 2 hours will fly past as the tug-o-war between purple and blue continues.

Such quarrels are useless at its core because it is about perspectives. A war on different perspectives will never bear fruit.

And That Brings Us to A Debate Without Middle Ground.

Are you a reserved person? Is your spouse sitting on the opposite end of the same spectrum?

The real reason behind a quarrel goes beyond perspectives. It has to do with deep-seated beliefs. A reserved person is more likely to respond intensively to embarrassment triggers than someone nonchalant about social presence.

A discussion topic over you should not do this because it is so embarrassing can be emotionally cannibalizing. This is because it takes a lot of emotional depth plus logical analysis to convince the other party to get out of their shell and come into ours.

Yet, when we do not voice our opinions, it becomes difficult for us to be our usual selves when we are with our partners.

We can walk away for the moment. There is no value in winning a quarrel with our spouse because there will be a price to pay.

We may lose their engagement forever.

You Have To Understand Where I Am Coming From!

Okay, look. I cannot. You cannot either. This is why.

We have different life experiences accumulated through our lifetime. You might grow up in an environment of poverty and worked your way up in school and office. You treasure what you have, and you know the virtue of hard work.

Your partner may have all resources by their side growing up. They are multi-talented because their family circumstance allows for their natural talent to flourish. They might have seen the world in 180 days before getting married.

So, now. This is my question.

How in the world can I understand where you are coming from?

I cannot. I do not think you can understand where I am coming from either. Why do we bother putting a wheat strand against a glass blade to figure out which one is stronger?

This competition is meaningless and should not exist. It applies to our quarrels with our parents, too. The environment that is exposed to growing up differs vastly from others.

It is much better to listen and not to engage just to prove them wrong.

They cannot be wrong because it has worked for them during their time. What we need to do is to be aware that times have changed.

My Simple Takeaway.

I believe there is a place for honest debate, where we share our perspectives. When we learn how others think, we grow.

And I think we need not cross that line and get into the heat when there is no common ground. Sometimes the debate we are engaged in has no common ground. Upping the ante by quarreling does nothing to advance the conversation. However, it does everything to repel the people we love away from us.

My conclusion is simple. I do: -

1. Seek to understand.
2. Listen.
3. Challenge ourselves to think of the merits they put forth.
4. Ask questions and poke holes in what they say.
5. Share with them what we think without forcing them to agree on our viewpoints.
6. A quarrel is a conversation that stings emotionally, so avoid it.
7. Read the situation. If people are getting too engrossed and start to hit back when we say something — It could be a deep-seated belief. Back it off.

I do not know if these are the best-practice, so to speak. I think it helps us steer clear of quarrels that are unproductive. These pointers also allow us to avoid heated debates which achieve nothing.

What do you think?

Aldric

About the Author:

As a content contributor, I write my observations from daily life and my business exposure.

Because our life experience is the bedrock of our unique perspectives.

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