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Abstract

ss you are seven, nix the "coupon book" gift. First, most people's coupons are services they are already doing, so they don't feel special. Second, the receiver always feels guilty cashing them in. A coupon book is basically an I.O.U, and that can feel transactional. Lastly, one of the benefits of giving a gift card to a service is it allows you to spend time together while some other shmuck is mowing the lawn. Not to mention, there's something really awkward about trading in a coupon to get your sexual needs met. Gross.</p><figure id="55c9"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*VxsyoXFStTf5H2bIckKOJg.jpeg"><figcaption>Pexels | Photo by <a href="https://www.pexels.com/photo/cockroach-in-macro-photography-11362662/">Picas Joe</a></figcaption></figure><h2 id="a904">For the ex you just can't get over</h2><p id="29a4">Only true love and cockroaches can survive a nuclear fallout. It's why some relationships need a more apocalyptic gesture. Thankfully, the El Paso Zoo has you covered. For just five lousy ducats, the zoo will name a cockroach after your ex.</p><p id="eb3d">Oh, it gets better. They will then feed the christened cockroach to a meerkat. For $150, they will even send a video to your ex of the symbolic roachy carcass getting crunched on. (Yeah, maybe don't do that part.)</p><p id="d69b">Best of all, your 5$ supports the zoo and roaches just happen to be a meerkat's favorite snack. Everyone wins in this act of altruism, except for maybe the roach named after your ex.</p><h2 id="2a3d">For the horny partner</h2><p id="656d">Nothing says I love you like raw, naked vulnerability. Fortunately, we live in a world where Amazon will discreetly deliver your kink of choice right to your doorstep. A few ideas:</p><ul><li>A naughty board or card game.</li><li>A sex toy your partner has never tried.</li><li>A self-care gift for your best friend — i.e., massage oil, candles, silk sheets.</li></ul><p id="129e">A word of caution: If you give your partner a sex-themed gift, it might be wise to pair it with a romantic one. Some women can get a tad insecure if a relationship’s focus is only on the physical. Blame it on culture or upbringing, but most women still want to feel like a lady on this hokey Hallmark holiday. So if you are getting her diamond butt plugs, you best pair it with a pearl necklace. (Bad pun not intended…this time.)</p><h2 id="e746">For the romantic who doesn't know better</h2><p id="2113">Some people really want to stick with tradition on Valentine's Day. That means those god-awful roses and overpriced chocolates. (Note to my future boyfriend who might someday exist: <a href="https://readmedium.com/forget-roses-give-her-these-legendary-flowers-instead-951a63029892">Roses are thorned death traps</a>.)</p><p id="9ab1">These same people will find it simply adorable if you name a star after them, while others will roll their eyes to the heavens. (Note: You can name your star Beezlebub, and it still will not be recognized by any reputable astronomical or scientific institution.)</p><figure id="11d1"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*jj2pN

Options

IV1wgPG2JCgOCj6Rg.jpeg"><figcaption>Vintage Valentine's Day card, Old Design Shop | <a href="https://olddesignshop.com/2013/01/free-valentine-image-you-suit-me-to-a-tea/">Public Domain</a></figcaption></figure><h2 id="f4d0">For the person born in the wrong century</h2><p id="93a5">Want to make your lover moan? Consider a campy vintage Valentine's Day card with your favorite bad pun. Forget sending dick pics. That's so 2020. Instead, send a picture of your balls with the text, "I am nuts about you!" If that is a bit too risqué, here are some tamer ideas.</p><ul><li>Send a picture of a sexy stiletto heel with the text, "I am head over heels for you." Cue the groan.</li><li>Send a picture of your unblinking eyeball with the text, "I only have eyes for you." Bonus points if your eyes are bloodshot and the person doesn't know you.</li><li>Find a picture of a gangrenous rash and include the text, "You really got under my skin." Bonus points if the rash is syphilis and your lover gave it to you.</li></ul><h2 id="bc00">For the partner who is about to leave you</h2><p id="fe73">No, no, I jest. No one is leaving. <i>Maybe.</i> But if they were about to sneak away like a thief in the night, a romantic weekend getaway might put the breaks on their getaway car. Personally, I feel like the best gifts create memories together.</p><p id="c388">Just please don't gift your weekend getaway as a coupon (see above.) The hardest part of taking a vacation is planning it. So have that trip booked already before you gift it.</p><h2 id="d719">Bonus: Valentine’s gifts to avoid</h2><ul><li>Motivational posters and self-help books. Just don't. If you must, give those gifts on a non-holiday.</li><li>Any gift reminiscent of domestic servitude — i.e., a dishwasher, beater, cooking pan, blender, etc.</li><li>A boudoir picture. Is that for your partner or yourself?</li><li>A plaster cast of a body part. Sure, maybe if you are on your deathbed.</li><li>A boyfriend pillow. This one could be funny with the right girlfriend. Pillow Man will not amuse the wrong friend. Some women miss conversation with their cuddles.</li><li>A dating app service. You would be better off stabbing your friend in the heart with a heroine-laced hypodermic needle.</li></ul><p id="1991">Valentine's Day doesn't have to be another soul-crushing nod to capitalism. Whether it be a tear jar, a box of chocolates, or a digested cockroach, the best gifts communicate that you get your partner.</p><p id="9f87"><i>*Names changed, but the spies know.</i></p><figure id="694f"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*wQBULT7vELeyCten.png"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><p id="a325"><i>Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. For past articles grouped by subject, see my <a href="https://readmedium.com/table-of-contents-d16bff014b7">Table of Contents.</a> For free content every Wednesday, subscribe to <a href="https://carlynbeccia.substack.com/">Conversations with Carlyn</a>, or <a href="https://carlynbeccia.substack.com/subscribe">become a paid subscriber</a> to get the juicy stuff on Sundays.</i></p></article></body>

7 Unique (OK…Odd) Ways to Show Your Love on Valentine's Day

Because only true love can survive a hungry meerkat.

William-Adolphe Bouguereau, *The Abduction of Psyche, 1895 | Public Domain*

The best Valentine's Day gift I ever got was from my ex-boyfriend Benedict.* He and I had broken up weeks before the dreaded holiday, so I wasn't expecting any gift.

Benedict knew I collected vintage Civil War lacrimariums or tear bottles. Supposedly, during the Civil War, when a soldier went off to war, women would collect their tears in a tear bottle until their partner returned. (Yes, I know historians question the purpose of these vintage bottles. Your googling is not wrecking my romanticism.)

So that sneaky snake charmer gave me a tiny bottle strung on a necklace and labeled it "Benedict's Tears."

Well played, Sir. Well played.

But if you are struggling to come up with creative gift ideas this Valentine's Day, here are a few unconventional options for that equally unconventional partner.

For the music lover who thinks their Spotify list is the ten commandments

I am old enough to remember seduction once began with a mixtape of Barry White's greatest hits. (Just try to keep your clothes on while listening to "You Sexy Thing.”) Thankfully, you no longer have to hover your finger over your boombox's record button while waiting for Casey Kasem to shut up already about some listener's dead gerbil dedication. (Only Gen X gets it.)

Today, you can use any music service to craft a sexy playlist free of radio host blatherings. And if you want to inject a bit of humor, you can even string together the titles of your favorite songs in a poetic missive. Example: "I want to Love you" (Akon), "Like a Virgin" (Madonna) "All Night Long" (Lionel Richie).

Heck, if you really want to embrace the armageddon dystopia known as modern love, you could use an A.I. song lyrics generator to compose a special ditty for your sweetheart. Just give the bot a few personal prompts, and then take a moment to mourn the death of lyricists.

For the overworked partner who is about to have an existentialist meltdown

Although Valentine's Day usually entails gifts of chocolates, flowers, or salami bouquets (best gift ever), many folks feel more loved with acts of service or quality time together. Here are a few ideas for that lover who needs to put their feet up for a day.

Send a meal through a food delivery service.
A gift card for a cleaning service.
A gift card for a spa day or massage.
Sign up for a class together — cooking, tennis, golf, dance, etc.
A gift card for a home improvement service.

Unpopular opinion coming….

Unless you are seven, nix the "coupon book" gift. First, most people's coupons are services they are already doing, so they don't feel special. Second, the receiver always feels guilty cashing them in. A coupon book is basically an I.O.U, and that can feel transactional. Lastly, one of the benefits of giving a gift card to a service is it allows you to spend time together while some other shmuck is mowing the lawn. Not to mention, there's something really awkward about trading in a coupon to get your sexual needs met. Gross.

For the ex you just can't get over

Only true love and cockroaches can survive a nuclear fallout. It's why some relationships need a more apocalyptic gesture. Thankfully, the El Paso Zoo has you covered. For just five lousy ducats, the zoo will name a cockroach after your ex.

Oh, it gets better. They will then feed the christened cockroach to a meerkat. For $150, they will even send a video to your ex of the symbolic roachy carcass getting crunched on. (Yeah, maybe don't do that part.)

Best of all, your 5$ supports the zoo and roaches just happen to be a meerkat's favorite snack. Everyone wins in this act of altruism, except for maybe the roach named after your ex.

For the horny partner

Nothing says I love you like raw, naked vulnerability. Fortunately, we live in a world where Amazon will discreetly deliver your kink of choice right to your doorstep. A few ideas:

A naughty board or card game.
A sex toy your partner has never tried.
A self-care gift for your best friend — i.e., massage oil, candles, silk sheets.

A word of caution: If you give your partner a sex-themed gift, it might be wise to pair it with a romantic one. Some women can get a tad insecure if a relationship’s focus is only on the physical. Blame it on culture or upbringing, but most women still want to feel like a lady on this hokey Hallmark holiday. So if you are getting her diamond butt plugs, you best pair it with a pearl necklace. (Bad pun not intended…this time.)

For the romantic who doesn't know better

Some people really want to stick with tradition on Valentine's Day. That means those god-awful roses and overpriced chocolates. (Note to my future boyfriend who might someday exist: Roses are thorned death traps.)

These same people will find it simply adorable if you name a star after them, while others will roll their eyes to the heavens. (Note: You can name your star Beezlebub, and it still will not be recognized by any reputable astronomical or scientific institution.)

Vintage Valentine's Day card, Old Design Shop | Public Domain

For the person born in the wrong century

Want to make your lover moan? Consider a campy vintage Valentine's Day card with your favorite bad pun. Forget sending dick pics. That's so 2020. Instead, send a picture of your balls with the text, "I am nuts about you!" If that is a bit too risqué, here are some tamer ideas.

Send a picture of a sexy stiletto heel with the text, "I am head over heels for you." Cue the groan.
Send a picture of your unblinking eyeball with the text, "I only have eyes for you." Bonus points if your eyes are bloodshot and the person doesn't know you.
Find a picture of a gangrenous rash and include the text, "You really got under my skin." Bonus points if the rash is syphilis and your lover gave it to you.

For the partner who is about to leave you

No, no, I jest. No one is leaving. Maybe. But if they were about to sneak away like a thief in the night, a romantic weekend getaway might put the breaks on their getaway car. Personally, I feel like the best gifts create memories together.

Just please don't gift your weekend getaway as a coupon (see above.) The hardest part of taking a vacation is planning it. So have that trip booked already before you gift it.

Bonus: Valentine’s gifts to avoid

Motivational posters and self-help books. Just don't. If you must, give those gifts on a non-holiday.
Any gift reminiscent of domestic servitude — i.e., a dishwasher, beater, cooking pan, blender, etc.
A boudoir picture. Is that for your partner or yourself?
A plaster cast of a body part. Sure, maybe if you are on your deathbed.
A boyfriend pillow. This one could be funny with the right girlfriend. Pillow Man will not amuse the wrong friend. Some women miss conversation with their cuddles.
A dating app service. You would be better off stabbing your friend in the heart with a heroine-laced hypodermic needle.

Valentine's Day doesn't have to be another soul-crushing nod to capitalism. Whether it be a tear jar, a box of chocolates, or a digested cockroach, the best gifts communicate that you get your partner.

*Names changed, but the spies know.

Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. For past articles grouped by subject, see my Table of Contents. For free content every Wednesday, subscribe to Conversations with Carlyn, or become a paid subscriber to get the juicy stuff on Sundays.