7 Stages of the David Perlmutter Experience

Have you been through them yet?

There comes a point where every self-respecting artist must compromise integrity for the sake of success. This is why I’m shamelessly seizing the moment…except I’m a little late to the party. Yes, dozens of articles have already been written on this subject, but I’m not going to let that stop me from unwrapping the gift that keeps on giving. And I’m not talking about Keanu, Elon, or NFTs — it’s something much, much more powerful.

I’m referring to he who shall not be named. No, not that one. He who, with a quick flick of the wrist and click of the index finger, brings color and validation to every article. He whose identity and very humanity have been brought into question. He who’s been subjected to warm praise, lurid satire, and a general feeling of confusion from our fickle community.

Oh yeah, I wrote it in the title…of course, I’m talking about the maverick, marketing genius, and Master Highlighter that is David Perlmutter. Becoming aware of everything he encompasses is a journey many of us go through. You’ve doubtless already been through these stages before, but for those who haven’t, this should be a useful guide.

7 stages of David Perlmutter

1. Ordinary reaction: “Well, this gentleman seemed to like my article — he’s highlighted an awful lot of it".
2. Mild surprise: “He’s done the same with the second one. Perhaps he’s neurodivergent."
3. Irritation and confusion: “What I don’t understand is why he has to highlight so much of it. It’s kind of annoying to look at now…”
4. Second thoughts: “But he is reading them all, to be fair.”
5. Dawning awareness of his ubiquity on Medium: “The man can’t be human. How…?”
6. Acceptance of his God-like abilities: “All praise the great David Perlmutter! May he live long and forever highlight my underperforming articles!"
7. Cashing in: “Jesus, this guy’s a hot topic. A win for me is a win for David.”

There isn’t much I can say about the Master Highlighter that hasn’t already been said, but I will offer this insight: Think about the total reading time he’s contributed to the community or the amount of money he’s made for all of us combined. It’s got to be in the thousands. In terms of loyal readership, no one comes close to that kind of impact.

He’s an incredibly courteous dude who can also make the unbelievable claim of being everyone’s number one fan. For that, David, on behalf of the Medium community, I salute you!

What before was naked text,

Now mildly irritating blocks of blue.

I judged too quickly dearest fan

Sorry, I was a fool.

It’s been a rollercoaster David,

And we all feel truly blessed.

But permit me one suggestion,

Maybe highlight just a smidgen less?

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