7 Red Flags You Shouldn’t Overlook in Your Friendships

When I was younger, I thought that friendship was not my thing, given that it was challenging for me to maintain them. As I began to know someone intimately, the friendship became toxic. When I became older, though, I realized that the problem was me.

Although quite conscientious and responsible, I didn’t know my priorities, boundaries, and interests, leading to my incapability to offer my best self and support people without losing who I was.

Moreover, I was impatient, expecting people to think, react, and need the same things as me without having conversed over those matters. Therefore, I wanted my friendships to be intense and profound from the beginning, creating a weird dynamic where my friends might know many things about me though unable to interact with me, and I would sacrifice for the friendship but they didn’t even take notice of this.

I thought that analyzing people’s behaviors and having conversations over misunderstandings or conflicts were just a waste of time, assuming the friendship would work if all people involved wanted. However, that doesn’t always happen. Solving relationship issues requires corporation and structured actions between the parties. Our individual efforts risk not working out when they are isolated.

The worst thing of all is that I was quick to create friendships, but I felt guilty when I gave up on people. That means once I considered someone to be my friend, they continued to be it no matter how poorly they treated me or how incompatible we might be.

I could now look back at those friendships and recognize some relevant red flags that emerged till the very beginning of those friendships, which I overlooked. In the following paragraphs, I am sharing 7 of them with you.

7 reasons why your friendships don’t work

1. Lack of trust

If you or your friend don’t trust each other, it may be a symptom that your friendship isn’t working. This might appear in many ways, such as lying, gossiping, or persistently speculating about one another’s motivations.

For me, the gossiping aspect is the most toxic. Someone can lie for many reasons that may not be related to the friendship. But criticizing someone while they are not present is often negative and could even be evil-minded. If they had loved you as a friend, they could have told you what was wrong so you might change or improve.

2. One-sided relationships

One-sided relationships can indicate that your friend isn’t as invested in the friendship as you are. If you constantly make the efforts or start the arrangements, you may look like a needy person who doesn’t possess a life outside of the friendship. Similarly, it can be a warning sign if they exclusively contact you in times of need.

They might not be intentionally using you, but rather simply have a habit of only reaching out when they require help or support. It’s also possible that they assume you are busy with your own life, and they don’t want to take up your time with small talk or chit-chat. So, they only contact you when they need something.

You should talk to them to know if they are taking advantage of your kindness and generosity. After that conversation, if they continue to react the same way, it may be time to move on.

3. Disrespect of your clear boundaries

If a friend consistently disrespects your boundaries, they might not care about your feelings or general well-being. People can use a vast range of strategies to disregard your boundaries, including pressuring you to do something you find uncomfortable, failing to respect your need for privacy or space, dismissing your beliefs, making decisions for you without previously asking you, and disrespecting your time.

However, before you decide they don’t care about you, you should communicate your boundaries clearly. If you didn’t tell them their limit, you couldn’t expect them to know it. Everyone has a different background and overall approach to life and relationship. What may sound obvious to you may not be as relevant to your friend.

4. Lack of support

Although each friend should have their own life and not burden each other, a friendship is supposed to be like a team, where each member wants the best for the others.

If your friend doesn’t support you or belittles your accomplishments or goals, it can be a sign that they’re not a true friend. Friends should be supportive and celebrate each other’s successes, not tear each other down.

5. Continuous drama

If your friend always seems to be involved in some sort of drama or starts drama, it can be emotionally and physically draining to be around them. Besides, they may, consciously or not, make you take part in those dramas, which would negatively impact your relationships with other people and your personal life.

Therefore, don’t be your friend’s savior if they constantly engage in drama. Instead, tell them their behavior is not good, so they might change. If they don’t want to improve, consider getting out of this friendship.

6. Competitiveness or jealousy

If your buddy frequently compares themselves to you or seems jealous of your successes, it may be a symptom of insecurity, which may disappear over time. But sometimes this goes deeper, and it may evolve into hatred. Having a hater masked as a friend is the worst hater of all. You may confide your secrets to them or even let them know your weak points while they are the ones who want you down.

At the very first stage, approach the situation with empathy. Try to see what may make your friend jealous of you and start a conversation with them, where you can address not the jealousy itself but the root of it. If they lack support to realize their dream and they think that you are somewhat of a barrier to them, you may offer your help. But always remember your limits.

If, after this conversation, you realize that they are still jealous of you, it may be time for you to lower the energy that you spend in this friendship or even get out of it.

7. Controlling behavior

If your friend tries to force you to do things for them or to act or be in a certain way, it may indicate an unhealthy dynamic. In a friendship, everyone is in equal positions. At least, that’s how it should work so everyone might feel included and respected.

Likewise, if a friend is jealous of or tries to control your other relationships — with family, love partners, or other friends — , they are toxic and controlling. You are not exclusive to any friend. And you shouldn’t feel imprisoned when you decide to befriend someone.

Can I find the ideal friendship?

We will never find someone who is perfect. While avoiding toxic friendships, we should also be patient and empathetic with others. People can change and evolve rather quickly if they find support while working on improving their character.

Sometimes people harm us unintentionally because they lack the knowledge (about us or friendship in general) necessary to behave differently. If we speak with our friends, we might encourage them to improve. Likewise, our friendships can become safer as all parties do their best to help, support, and create a healthy environment for others.

In addition, neither are we perfect. Sometimes, we unfairly misread people’s acts or perceive their behaviors through the filters of unpleasant prior experiences or our restricted vision. We should therefore consider our acts, judgments, and behaviors before ending any friendships.

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