7 Phrases That Make You Instantly Likable
Read this article “because” it will turn you into a better conversationalist.
In linguistics, phatic speech refers to an opening phrase or question designed to form social bonds. Unfortunately, the most alienating phatic conversation starter is one we often use — How are you?
Most people reply “great” or “fine” even if their life is undeniably not fine. We know the asker isn’t really curious about our life. They are only filling space with lazy small talk. Their goal is not to listen.
Paradoxically, you might think great listeners are more likable, but study after study has found the opposite — we like those who talk more than they listen. Researchers defined this belief that quiet people are more likable as the “reticence bias.”
They hypothesized that we like talkers more than listeners because when we reveal personality traits, it forges commonalities. In other words, we can’t bond with someone if we don’t discover similar traits. Opposites might intrigue, but they rarely stay attached.
The researchers did find those who dominated the conversation (90 percent speaking) were not as well-liked. The sweet spot between talking and shutting up was around 70 percent talking to 30 percent listening.
This research disabuses the classic Dale Carnegie advice of “…the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves … than they are in you.”
Perhaps the more effective way to “win friends and influence people” is not to always listen but to get others to listen to you. Great conversationalists know a bit of heat warms the wax and molds desires.
Here are a few research-backed phrases and questions that form more intimate bonds.
“I feel so embarrassed.”
Falling on your face with your skirt flying over your head is bound to redden anyone’s face. (Not a personal reference…maybe.) But although those awkward moments might make you feel like a gangly human, your blunders also make you more endearing.
Studies show that when someone admits they are embarrassed, they become more likable. The reason is simple. Researchers found we view embarrassed people as more trustworthy. Feeling embarrassed shows vulnerability, and vulnerability makes you more authentic.
But there might be another reason why we view embarrassment as a sign of authenticity. Embarrassment is the only human emotion with nonverbal cues we cannot hide. We can force a smile, hold back tears, or tamp down our anger, but we cannot stop our cheeks from reddening. Embarrassment is deeply human.
Perceptions of embarrassment follow reality too. In one study, researchers found people who were more prone to embarrassment also scored higher on pro-sociability and generosity. Embarrassed people are more likable because they like others.
The reverse side of embarrassment is perfectionism. Perfectionism might push us to reach our goals, but it also has a stifling downside — if we constantly fear failure, we never learn from our failures and become better humans.
Unfortunately, failing is often painfully coupled with embarrassment. But while many people erroneously believe their failings make them unlovable, it’s thinking that your failings make you unlovable that makes you less attractive. Those beliefs imprison you with insecurities that push others away.
So if you screw up, fall on your face, or put your foot in your mouth, say, “I feel so embarrassed.” And then follow it with a smile or a laugh. If you don’t take your mistakes too seriously, neither will others.
“May I because…”
In the famous 1970s “Copy Machine Study,” Harvard researcher Ellen Langer tested the power of the word “because.” In this experiment, she had an actor ask to cut a line of people waiting to use a copier.
Langer had the actor ask to cut the line using three requests:
A. “Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine?”
B. “Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I have to make copies?”
C. “Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I’m in a rush?”
The results were surprising. People said yes to request A only 60% of the time. But requests B and C had a 93% and 94% compliance rate. Researchers repeated this experiment several times and got roughly the same results.
They surmised that the word “because” makes others do our bidding because our brains always want a reason for our actions, even if the reason is mundane and obvious.
“We should do this….”
It might sound counterintuitive in our narcissistic culture, but research has found influential people are more likely to use “we” pronouns than “I,” “me,” or “my.” Psychologist James Pennebaker found leaders use more “we” pronouns because these people are more outwardly oriented.
It makes sense when you think about it. Charismatic charmers focus on others, while insecure people worry more about how others will perceive them, so they use more self-oriented language. Even creepier, when Pennebaker analyzed poems by writers who committed suicide, he found the most common word used was “I.”
In other words, self-absorption is often a sign of an insecure person, while emotionally intelligent people seek connections.
Another study supported these findings. Researchers found that the more someone used first-person singular pronouns (I, me, my), the more likely they were to have health and psychological problems.
Even more interesting, liars are less likely to use first-person singular pronouns. Researchers suspect that when someone is lying, they do not use the word “I” because they do not want to own their actions. So if you ask your husband, “Where were you last night?” and he replies, “Went to the game,” vs. “I went to the game,” he could be masking the truth.
Using “we” is also critical when you argue with your partner. “We” implies that you are working together to solve the problem and not placing blame. Research even found couples who used more cooperative pronouns (we, our, us) than first-person singular pronouns (I, me, and you) had lower divorce rates and reported higher marital satisfaction.
For example, saying to your husband, “We need to take the trash out,” is softer than “You need to take the trash out.” Both requests will probably get the job done, but the first will have him feeling less like your domestic slave and more like a teammate.
“Can I ask you to…?”
Asking permission puts the other person at ease. People who work in fundraising use this linguistic technique. Instead of saying, “Can you donate to this cause,” they ask, “Can I ask you to donate to this cause?”
The preliminary question, “Can I ask you a question?” is also effective when you are addressing a thorny subject requiring your responder to open up more. Asking permission to ask might sound weaker in some situations, but it softens hard questions that might be viewed as offensive.
“I am curious.”
Curiosity is one of the sharpest tools to seduce someone. When you start a question with “I am curious,” it tells the listener that you are engaged. We like those who begin with a desire to understand instead of a desire to judge.
Best-selling author Arin N. Reeves, Ph.D., explains why curiosity opens up more engaging dialogue;
“Curiosity and bias cannot coexist in your brain at the same time. The minute you say ‘I am curious about this,’ your brain literally halts putting a bias in there.” — Arin N. Reeves, Ph.D.
So next time you are about to begin a debate, lead with “I am curious,” and you may get more honest answers.
“I need your advice.”
We have all heard that “there are no dumb questions,” but now research shows that the platitude rings true. In this study, researchers found asking for advice made someone appear more intelligent. The advice seekers were more likable because people are flattered when we ask for their opinion. Simply put, answering a question that helps someone feels good.
In Captivate: The Science of Succeeding With People, social scientist Vanessa Van Edwards found that we view people who ask for advice as more vulnerable. And that vulnerability creates more trust between the asker and the responder.
“I need your help.”
Asking others for help can be daunting, but the meek inherit the earth when they ask for help.
This phenomenon of likability has been called the Benjamin Franklin Effect. It is named after an incident in Franklin’s life where he charmed one of his haters. (His enemy’s name is unrecorded).
This hater kept trash-talking Franklin behind his back, but instead of walloping him with his beaver hat, Franklin took a different approach — he asked for a favor. And it wasn’t a small favor. He asked to borrow a book from the hater’s library. (At the time, books were rare and only loaned to close friends and relatives.)
The hater obliged and sent the book to Franklin. And when they finally met in person, the two became besties.
The Benjamin Franklin Effect tricks our brains into thinking we are helping someone because we like them. In other words, our perceptions follow our actions.
“I love you.”
Author of Raising an Entrepreneur, Margot Machol Bisnow, interviewed 70 parents of highly successful adults to determine what words of encouragement they used the most with their kids. She found one common phrase that smart parents used with their even smarter kids — “I love you.”
Bisnow found the children of effusive parents felt accepted even when they failed. Consequently, that sense of acceptance translated into higher achievements.
So although you don’t want to gush out emotions with a stranger or a new romance, telling friends, family, and your partner that they are loved makes them feel appreciated and safe.
When people feel loved, they are more open to loving others.
Did I mention how much I love my readers?