7 Flaws That Keeps Us Unhappy and Anxious
And they are not what you think
I am a recovering idiot. Not in the sense of the Webster definition of the word, but in the sense that, I was never brave enough, or better put, wise enough to accept me for who I am.
Though I may want to blame society for creating a world where you have to appear perfect, I blame myself more for falling in line and playing along. I testify to the fact that I am kind, generous and compassionate. But there is more to me than that. I am also stubborn, highly sensitive and sometimes, insecure. But I can't be that as well, can I? Because I'm only accepted when I live up to the ideal. Well, screw that ideal.
For such a long time, I've wondered where my sense of dissatisfaction and unhappiness stems from? Not until I realised that when we are unable to be ourselves 100%, or when we are forced to hide a part of who we are and tuck it in a casket somewhere, we will never feel complete.
A sense of true completeness is not achieved by tabooing our flaws. It is actually the opposite. The moment I began to accept my flaws, my weaknesses — those parts of my character that, of a truth, am not proud of, was the moment where I first experience a sense of peace. I had nothing to be afraid of. I didn't need to fear been found out or feeling like a fraud.
My journey of self-discovery has been so enlightening, not because I opened myself to my strengths, (that am already aware of), but because I was brave enough to face the other side of me, the weak side, the side that society has taught us to reject like a plague.
If you are feeling anxious, unhappy — depressed even, chances are, maybe just like me, there is a part of you, you're ashamed of, and you've kept it hidden for so long. You've been playing along, just so you can be accepted and not looked at like some damaged good. I get it. We’ve all been there.
But if you prioritise your sanity, happiness and peace, then you must embrace yourself as you are — to enable you to confront those flaws so they can be strengthened.
Below are 6 more flaws that keep us anxious and unhappy. They are usually very little things and do not take that much to begin to turn them around.
Inability to say NO
We allow our mouth to overload our backs, which make us stressed out and end up resenting ourselves for not saying NO in the first place.
I understand why many can find it hard to say no. I’ve been in many situations where due to social pressure and anxiety, I have said yes too often. It could be an invite to a party, even though I don't attend parties. What happens is, I get angry with myself for not having the courage, or feeling like I had allowed social anxiety to commit to something I don't want.
When we constantly find it hard to say no, it can affect our health and the quality of our lives. We must understand that saying no doesn't mean we're bad. Its something I had to learn. This is usually common among sensitive and highly sensitive people. Where we are able to absorb the emotions of others. But usually, it is because we imagine the emotions others will feel if we say no.
But the truth, you cannot please everyone. At the end of the day, would you rather accept an invitation that will leave you unhappy and hating yourself, or simply just saying no in the first place and go have your peace of mind?
Shinning object syndrome
How many things have you started but never got to finish? Remember those moments when you felt so motivated and excited? That you thought to yourself, this is it. I am going to start a YouTube channel. Sharon is doing it so well. I can do it too. Oh, Medium? All you have to do is write? I can do that. I love writing. I am going to write every day and make a lot of money. Cool. I'm so pumped.
Two weeks later, you still haven't yet recorded your first YouTube video or even come up with a YouTube name. For more than three weeks now, you've written and published just three articles. What happened? Where did all that fire go to?
I know the feeling because I have been there far too often. As humans, we get motivated and inspired by novelty. It’s like hearing a sermon for the first time, that makes you feel; boy, oh boy. I'm going to give my life to Christ. The novelty motivated you. But it is not the same feeling when you listen to the same sermon the second time.
It is called ‘shinning object syndrome.’ It takes discipline to cultivate even a little ounce of success in our life. Our source of self-worth and self-value is in our discipline to finish what we start.
Lack of self-motivation
Have you found yourself saying; I wish I could find someone who is also into it, that way I can feel more motivated? While it may be wonderful to find others to run the race with, but most often in life, it is an individual calling.
Just as the scriptures say, that salvation is personal, the same ideology applies to life.
Our happiness and sense of self-worth come when we are able to self motivate. There is no other way.
For such a long time, I have fallen into this trap, been unable to get myself moving on a task. Jim Rohn did rightly say that self-motivation is actually the only motivation there is to win.
You are blessed if you have a friend or partner supporting and cheering you on, but if you don't, you must learn to be your own motivator.
Consistency
There is no productivity without the ability to work on something over a long period of time.
The most prolific writing advice you'll ever find is to write consistently. If you write for a month and then take a break for another month, your writing growth will stall. There are no two ways about it.
Malcolm Gladwell, in his book, Outlier, touched on the stories of remarkable successful individuals. He talked about the Beatles and their journey to fame. Something interesting that stood that, and in my opinion, made the difference, is that the Beatles were consistent in their career and what they did, for over ten years, he said.
The psychological implication of inconsistency is even more damaging than mere lack of result. As I came to learn, when we consistently are inconsistent, it leads to a life of zero to no results. And given the social world we live in today, where people check you out to determine the amount of respect to give you base on your achievements, it can feel like we are often ignored and our words and opinions do not carry much weight. This can affect our self-confidence and self-worth as well.
Tyranising ourselves
When it comes to getting myself to do something, I am a tyrant. Sometimes, understandably so, due to past history, of my ability to procrastinate. But no matter how much I try to scream myself to be productive, it just never works. Whether the orders are coming from someone else or myself, I'm not good at taking them.
Jordan Peterson helped me a lot in this regards. One day I stumbled over his video on YouTube, and in it, he made the following statements;
“treat yourself with respect. Instead of ordering yourself around, try negotiating with yourself like you would a friend.”
Rather than negotiating with ourselves, we tyrannise ourselves. The way to up productivity is to have a good relationship with ourselves. Bosses who are loved by employees, tend to gain more work input from the employees. The same principles apply to children and kids. A good relationship with self is the key to productivity. You must like yourself and respect yourself when negotiating with yourself.
What I do now, is apply the advice of Jordan Peterson, I’ll negotiate with myself by placing rewards after a task. Like this writing, once I finish, I owe myself two episodes of the Netflix special ‘Riverdale.’
What others think
There is no robber of joy than this single habit of worrying over what others think of us.
If you are just like me, and like we talked earlier, you find it hard to say no, then it is more likely that you worry too much about what others think (of you).
I really had this hard. Now I don't know if it comes with age or finally just getting fed up with people’s bullshit. But you will not believe the amount of joy and peace you will begin to experience, the moment you stop giving a hoot about what people think or say about you.
The big problem comes because we usually wonder if others perceived us in a positive light. Which to some degree is understandable. But the truth is, people’s perception of us is out of our control. We may try to control their opinion of us, but I'm telling you, do not go down that road. Because in the end, they'll think whatever they want to think based on their moods and feelings.
Les brown made a remark that I have kept with me, he said; Whatever you do, people will talk or have an opinion about you. So go ahead and do it anyway.
In closing…
In truth, the things that keep us from being happy, successful and growing in life are not grand. They lie in these little things;
- Ignoring our flaws — we ignore our emotional excesses, like anger, sadness, as if we are not normal for having them.
- Inability to say no — we allow our mouth to overload our back, which makes us stressed out and end up resenting ourselves for not saying NO in the first place.
- Shinning object syndrome — we are energised and motivated when we see something new. And we dive in, but we never see it through.
- Lack of self-motivation — the only true path to be successful at anything, is through our ability to push ourselves.
- Consistency — there is no productivity without the ability to work on something over a long period of time.
- Tyranising ourselves — rather than negotiating with ourselves, we tyrannise ourselves.
- What others think of us — there is no robber of joy than this single habit of worrying over what others think of us.
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