SELF
6 Reasons To Let Go Of Ideas Of Happiness
So You Don’t Ruin Your Chance To Be Happy
One of the very few self-help books I have ever read was The Secret of Letting Go by Guy Finley. I was heartbroken and trying to get through it but hardly able to. At 17, being dumped is a huge deal, especially when you are replaced. And that’s when I came across this book in my brother’s collection at home. I took it with me to the hostel where I was staying for the intensive entrance test for medical college.
It was 13 years ago. A lot of it has faded from my memory but for one piece of advice that I read in the book. The author wrote:
“Happiness is letting go of your ideas of happiness.”
This stuck with me. Although I have taken life as a roller coaster ride with ups and downs, a certain amount of despondency stuck with me after the emotional traumas I have been through since I was 15 and it has lasted. But recently, I began thinking about this again.
Happiness is momentary and opposed to its counterpart, sadness or grief or pain, it is very short-termed. Yet, we all run in pursuit of something so temporary and end up with more disappointment. I believe the very obsession with being happy as a life goal is what makes it difficult to attain. Instead, if we aim at strips of moments of contentment, happiness might form a larger picture, one figment at a time.
So how exactly is happiness earned by letting go of our ideas of happiness? Here are 6 reasons why we need to let go of fixed ideas of happiness to find happiness, what to avoid and how to help it, with some final thoughts on the effects of nurturing ideas of happiness.
1. Happiness is just an emotion
Most ideas of happiness make happiness a permanent goal, rather than a temporary moment of positive emotion. There is no clearly paved path to an abstract concept. Happiness is an emotion, just like sadness, love, anger, anxiety, and fear. And biochemically speaking, emotions are caused by various levels of neurotransmitters in our brain. An increased amount of endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine are chemically responsible for the good feelings we get when something good happens to us.
We can strive to achieve things or create situations that lead to the rise of these chemicals but we cannot expect them to dance to our whims all the time. Moreover, transience is in itself one of the characteristics of emotions. It is the variant levels of each emotion and the blend of different kinds of life experiences that make human life worth living and recording. So, take it in stride. Happiness is just an emotion and not a life goal.
2. Happiness is relative
It is surprising to realize that if we were able to change a single minor event in the string of events — planned and happenstance — there is a high chance of an entire change in what follows because watching from a macro-universe, this earth and our lives enfolded in it is a micro-universe and pretty much linear. Fate and destiny are something I believe in and everything happens for a reason. A lot of this world is unknown, no matter how much material data and information is floating around for us to grab hold of.
Happiness is relative — to other situations, problems, and our own integrity. We cannot fixate happiness on one thing because a minor detail that undergoes change in the journey can impact a whole string of events and aftermaths. Happiness may not be happiness if our idea of gain is linked to a bigger loss. There is no perfect recipe for happiness as long as you seek it outside of yourself. Because the outside world is a network of people, events, stakes, rules, and responsibilities that can harness your pursuit of a fixed idea of happiness.
3. Happiness is not a solution to our problems
Life is wrought with dilemmas and problems half the time. It is not possible to live it hassle-free. On a positive note, having a hassle-free life doesn’t guarantee happiness. Happiness is not a solution. It helps to remember that it is just another emotion. The solutions to our problems are in rational thinking, practicality, and spiritual awakening. Solutions that work out may bring us happiness. It is not the other way round.
4. Happiness does not reside in material things
Many people will have a set of things in their minds that they believe will make them happy — a big house, more money, a great job, luxurious vacations in exotic locations, etc. But this is not true. There are rich people and celebrities who have easy access to these material possessions but still struggle with contentment. No amount of riches is going to make one happy if one does not have a source of satisfaction and contentment inside of him or her. Emotions are abstract and temporary. So is happiness. It cannot be tied down to concrete, countable, measurable things.
5. Happiness is a journey far from perfection
Happiness can never be tied to the fulfillment of one or a dozen wishes. Humans always need more and desire more. Thus, happiness is a work in progress or a journey. Happiness, like everything humans experience and attain, is imperfect. Seeking perfection itself is an antidote to happiness. Perfection is an idea of a conglomerate of fixed ideals, should-be’s, and must-have’s. It simply makes life a rigid tunnel headed one way rather than a flexible pathway forward with lots of alternatives along the way. You cannot find happiness in a rigid tunnel walled with ideals of perfection.
6. Happiness is in the present moment
We all have noticed at one time or another how children are mostly happy except when their basic necessities are not met. This is because they try to make the best out of what they have at hand. They live in the moment instead of worrying about things they may not have tomorrow. The only happiness that makes sense and is real is being content in the present moment. Being happy in the moment is the best a human can strive to be.
Ideas of happiness place the onus of being happy on you, based on ideas, not reality. Our best bet to be happy is to unburden ourselves from expectations — of self and others. We do not have to sign up or promise to be happy. To be happy means to be content with what you are doing at the moment. To be happy simply means to not let the anxiety about the future ruin your present moment. To be happy, you can just be without the approval or gratification of a certain set of principles or certain people.
What to avoid
Life goes on, people come and go from our lives, opportunities arise and disappear. All the while we thought something or someone could make us happy, we were feeding ourselves with fixed ideas about happiness. The truth is, we do not need those ideas to be happy. All we need is the presence of mind and the ability to evaluate what we are doing at the moment.
- “I will be happy only if I do that.”
- “I will be happy if he/she is with me.”
- “I will be happy if I get that.”
Avoid these kinds of fixed thoughts. What you never know is that attaining these may not make you happy despite you believing so. Your fixed thoughts and shoulds are just ideas. Their persistence doesn’t make them real. Fixed ideas make happiness a rigid concrete-walled concept rather than a buoyant feeling. While you fixate on your set of ideas of happiness, you will miss out on better perspectives and prospects. Instead, strive to find happiness in little things.
How to help it
- Be grateful
- Be kind and compassionate
- Be empathetic
- Be forgiving
- Be open to new perspectives and ideas
- Be mindful
- Be ready to let go
Being happy, now, right now, is more important than staying happy forever. Sacrificing the moment in the pursuit of larger happiness and a goal in the distance is an unwise thing to do. Life is a wave with crests and troughs. The very characteristic of a wave is that there is a down for every up and an up after every down. If it weren’t for sadness, pain, and disappointment, we would never have known, longed for, or sought happiness. Happiness, as an experience and ideal emotion, exists only because the bitter and sour have been tasted.
Without contrasts and differences, something will never be appreciated or favored. The same goes for happiness. How will you ever know the ecstasy of success if you have not known the pits of failure? How will you ever feel the happiness of gain and contentment if you have never known the pangs of loss and stings of disappointment?
The answer is, you would never have known or longed for it. For light is light because darkness exists.
© Sana Rose 2020
Sana Rose is an award-nominated novelist, poet, physician, counseling professional, freelance writer and mom. She is based out of Kerala, India. Her debut novel ‘Sandcastles’ was shortlisted for ARL Literary Awards 2018 for Best Author soon after publication.