6 Mistakes I Made in My First Relationship
#3 Making false promises
Falling in love for the first time is an amazing feeling, something that can only be experienced and not described in words.
In the beginning, many sleepless nights and dreamy days ensued where I spent most of my time either with her or thinking about her.
Soon the feeling of magic started to fade, reality set in and things didn't seem as rosy anymore. Gradually the road of our relationship became harder and harder to tread until it came to a dead stop.
“Soon the feeling of magic started to fade, reality set in and things didn’t seem as rosy anymore.”
Back then, I was young, immature, and made a lot of mistakes that I shouldn’t have. But like with all things, mistakes are but avenues of learning that help us grow in life.
I want to share 6 mistakes I made in my first relationship from which I have learned a lot. Hopefully, you get to take away something too.
Being Controlling and Forceful
The signs of this were subtle and not so obvious in the beginning but gradually grew to such a magnitude that it became the norm for us.
I would decide our meeting times, meeting places, etc. without ever asking if it would work for her. I implicitly assumed it would.
Soon it was no longer deciding, but outright demanding. I didn’t care if she had to babysit her sister or go out with her friends.
She had to meet when I wanted her to.
“Soon it was no longer deciding, but outright demanding.”
Soon this behavior branched out into other aspects of our relationship. Even if she felt uncomfortable or was not in the mood, I would force myself upon her until she submitted.
This went on and on until, towards the end, our relationship resembled a master-slave relationship.
What I’ve learned
A relationship can be successful only when there is mutual respect for each other and not when one controls the other.
Respect your partner’s opinions, decisions, privacy and personal spaces. Neither exercise nor let your partner exercise control.
Breaking Her Trust
A couple of months after we started dating, I happened to come into contact with one of my old friends. As we were texting, one thing led to another and I asked her out pretending to be single.
We saw each other a couple of times and every time we did, I felt an adrenaline rush and a sense of adventure.
I confided about this in a few “friends” of mine one of whom snitched on us but my girlfriend’s trust in me was so deep that she refused to believe him.
“Trust is the foundation upon which not only every relationship but in fact every human relation is built.”
Fearing that the girl I was seeing would find out, I made a hasty decision to break up with my girlfriend.
Easily the biggest mistake I made.
Soon after, things didn’t work out and we stopped seeing each other. I went back to my girlfriend begging and imploring her to trust me this time.
And guess what? — I broke her trust a second time, the miserable wretch that I was and she took me back again, the forgiving naive angel that she was.
What I’ve learned
Trust is the foundation upon which not only every relationship but in fact every human relation is built.
“Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to rebuild” — Dhar Mann
The stronger the trust, the stronger the relationship. Breaking your partner’s trust will shake the foundations of your relationship eventually leading to its collapse.
Making False Promises
Ever since the beginning, I treated our relationship as something temporary, and for the time being, while she wanted it to be long term and even permanent.
With the ulterior motive to advance our physical intimacy, I falsely promised her that I truly loved her and that I wanted our relationship to last forever — the former I was doubtful of and the latter I was blatantly lying.
“False promises break hope and make your words lose meaning.”
I gave her false hope which was ruthlessly shattered in the end.
What I’ve learned
When you make promises in a relationship or even in life, make them with the sole intention of staying true to them.
False promises break hope and make your words lose meaning.
“False promises are worse than lies. You don’t just make them believe, you also make them hope” — Marilyn Monroe
Too Much Physical Intimacy and No Emotional Intimacy
Looking back, I don’t remember us having any romantic moments except for a lot of PDA.
Being in school and having typical “brown” parents who treat relationships as something taboo, we were fearful of being spotted. So we seldom went on dates and would meet in secret instead — either early in the mornings or late in the evenings.
“ But for any relationship to thrive and survive, emotional intimacy is crucial.”
Every time we met, there would be a sense of urgency, and being teenagers with raging hormones, we would get physical sometimes before even saying a single word.
Over time I realized that there was no emotional intimacy whatsoever and it almost felt like we were strangers that met only to satisfy our physical desires.
What I’ve learned
Physical intimacy is great and a necessary part of any healthy relationship but for any relationship to thrive and survive, emotional intimacy is crucial.
Get to know more about each other, care for each other, share personal feelings, and show love in ways other than just getting physical.
Caring Only About Myself
I still remember how furious and abusive I got when she didn’t turn up one morning while she said nothing on the multiple occasions that I didn’t.
I cared only about myself completely disregarding her opinions, feelings, decisions, comfort, etc. — breaking her trust, making her do things she didn’t want to, making her cry, etc.
“A relationship ceases to be a relationship and becomes “narcissism” when you only care for yourself.”
What I’ve learned
A relationship ceases to be a relationship and becomes “narcissism” when you only care for yourself. The other side of the coin where you only care about your partner while ignoring yourself is also equally dangerous.
Care for, understand, and respect your partner without sacrificing yourself in the process.
Vacillating Between “On” and “Off”
After the passing of the first few weeks or the “rosy” phase, I became unsure of our relationship.
Whenever I lost interest, I would break up with her and whenever I felt attracted again, I would go back, “promising” to not leave her again.
This happened five or six times and every time I went back, our relationship grew weaker — with her slowly losing trust and me becoming increasingly unsure.
“Indecision will only make your relationship frustrating, tedious, and slowly deteriorate.”
What I’ve learned
When you are unsure and constantly vacillating between on and off, talk to your partner and arrive at a decision.
Indecision will only make your relationship frustrating, tedious, and slowly deteriorate.
Ending Words
It took quite a while to muster the courage to write this story as my first relationship is something I really regret and hesitate to speak about.
Being young and immature, I made mistakes that I now shudder to even think of. I treated our relationship and her as a way to satisfy my physical desires while she truly loved me and held on patiently hoping that I would change.
“Only after a few years, did I realize just how much damage I had inflicted on her.”
When we finally broke up, I dashed her hopes and left her in a mental mess.
Only after a few years, did I realize just how much damage I had inflicted on her. I apologized profusely multiple times and the regret haunted me for a very long time.
Once I accepted the fact that neither can the past be changed nor can the damage be undone, I let go of my regret and did what I could do — learn from my mistakes and not repeat them in subsequent relationships.
“Mistakes have the power to turn you into something better than before”
Thanks for reading! If you liked this, you might also like,
