6 Incredible Secrets for Balancing Grad School With a Full-Time Job

Summary

The website content humorously presents three fantastical methods for creating a double of oneself to balance the demands of graduate school with a full-time job.

Abstract

The article, with a playful tone, suggests three outlandish strategies for managing the challenge of attending grad school while maintaining a full-time job. It begins by acknowledging the sensationalized title, which is intended to capture the reader's interest, and then outlines the supposedly effective methods. The first method involves an arcane ritual using an effigy, a guillotine, and the assistance of warlocks to create a living copy through eldritch magic. The second method requires gaining employment at CERN after becoming a particle physicist to exploit the Large Hadron Collider for creating a quantum double. The third method proposes time travel as the simplest solution, where one works for a few years and then goes back in time to attend grad school, avoiding any contact with the past self to prevent a reality implosion. The article concludes with an invitation to participate in the MuddyUm Writer’s Challenge.

Opinions

The article playfully suggests that creating a double of oneself could be a solution to managing a full-time job and graduate school, implying that such a feat is within the realm of possibility with the right methods.
It humorously downplays the complexity and potential dangers of the proposed methods, such as the risk of Cerberus dragging one to hell or the potential for reality to implode.
The tone of the article indicates a satirical take on the challenges faced by individuals juggling work and education, suggesting that the real-world solutions may seem as fantastical as the methods described.
The mention of the MuddyUm Writer’s Challenge at the end implies that the content may be a creative response to a writing prompt rather than a serious set of instructions.

Use the Eldritch Magic of the Earth to Create a Double of Yourself

They say that two heads are better than one, so how much betterer would two whole yous be? It may sound impossible, but I’m assured by several ancient texts that it has been successfully accomplished twice. Just be really careful, because if you don’t complete the last step perfectly, Cerberus may appear and drag you off to hell. Oops, I’m getting ahead of myself.

First, make a life-sized effigy of yourself stuffed with desiccated cat dung. Be sure to dress it in your own clothes, ones that have real sentimental value. Put an old pair of glasses on it if you wear glasses.

Next, find a reasonably-priced guillotine. I usually get mine on Ebay or Craigslist. You might have luck cruising rummage sales around Paris, but guillotines there are scarce these days. Hoarders.

Remove the part of the guillotine where the head goes so that you can stand under the blade as it drops. Split the effigy in half from head to groin, and then do the same thing to yourself. I forgot to mention that you’ll need a crew of trustworthy warlocks, at least 6 but preferably 12, to handle the last few steps.

Your warlock posse will use wire made of pure gold to sew each half of the effigy to the matching half of your split body, bury both corpse-dolls near one of the many gates to hell — I prefer the one in the ancient city of Hierapolis — and recite the sacred prayer to Hades. Two identical versions of yourself will claw their way out of the pebbly loam, and you have just successfully made a living copy of yourself!

Make your copy take over your awful dead-end job while you live the high life in grad school. Like I said, don’t forget to whisper the secret words every day at sunset to honor the Lord of the Underworld.

Use Futuristic Advances in Science to Create a Double of Yourself

You’re going to need to find a way into CERN’s Large Hadron Collider, so you’re off to Switzerland. No, there isn’t an easier way to use scientific magic to create a double of yourself. You saw Multiplicity and The Fly, didn’t you? Respect the process.

Here’s the bad news. You can’t really break into CERN, so you’re going to have to get in the hard way. That place is actually pretty well guarded. Something about accidentally creating a miniature black hole that could destroy the solar system.

First, get a Bachelor’s degree in physics, and then get a Ph.D. in particle physics. Don’t worry, they’re handing them out like candy right now. Work as a particle physicist for ten years to build your credibility and expertise, then apply for any open job at the CERN facility.

Once you are hired, find a way to be near one of the four points in the collider where the beams can intersect, then just let the magic happen. Don’t worry, this will make sense after you get that Ph.D. You’ll need to make sure you don’t have any metal on you, because the whole thing is basically one giant magnet. You have a one in four chance of being sprayed with the pieces-parts of high-energy particles.

If that doesn’t kill you, it will cause a quantum event that puts you in what they call a Permanent Schrödinger-Heisenberg Cascade of Uncertainty. It’s just a schmancy way of saying that you just made a copy of yourself, buttercup! There’s a slight chance that you will make more than one copy, but like mother always says, the more the merrier.

Not only can those doubles help you finish grad school while working full time, but they can also help you commit crimes, prank your buddies, and cheat on your spouse! Be a little careful — sometimes doubles will try to eliminate the original during an existential crisis.

Use Time Travel to Create a Double of Yourself

I saved the easiest one for last. You just make yourself a li’l’ ol’ loop de loop in the space-time continuum. First, get a working time machine. No, any old DeLorean will not do.

Then get accepted to grad school, but don’t go. Work for a few years, then go back in time to when you got accepted to grad school, and start taking classes. Once you graduate, just wait until the other you hops in the time machine and take over your life.

1. Easy peasy. 2. Lemon squeezy. Just don’t have any contact with your time-double or reality will implode, and you will have done all that work for nothing.

Write for the MuddyUm Writer’s Challenge:

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6 Incredible Secrets for Balancing Grad School With a Full-Time Job

You won’t believe how effective these are

Use the Eldritch Magic of the Earth to Create a Double of Yourself

Use Futuristic Advances in Science to Create a Double of Yourself

Use Time Travel to Create a Double of Yourself

The MuddyUm Writers’ Challenge

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