Love, Parenting, Advice
6 Co-Parenting Tips For Separated Couples; Keeping The Peace
For the Love of a Child
I am a single mom of four beautiful adult children and a grandmother to a beautiful little one-year-old boy named Lennox.
At fifty, I certainly have seen a lot in my days, but being a mom has been my greatest joy. To think that I helped bring four wonderful beings into this world never ceases to amaze me.
I am blessed.
Of course, I would not have my children without the help of a father; in my case, four children from two different men, two and two.
Unfortunately, neither relationship lasted, so I primarily raised my kids alone.
For me, co-parenting did not go smoothly. There were too many issues within each relationship ranging from addiction, mental health, and domestic abuse.
Seeing eye to eye was difficult, if not downright impossible.
Trying to Keep the peace with the two men who fathered my children was exhausting.
Fortunately, I had a strong support system with my mum and dad.
When my oldest daughter gave birth to my first grandchild nearly two years ago, I was ecstatic; being a grandmother is beautiful.
I was happy knowing my daughter waited to have children until finding a good man and establishing a solid relationship. Having the security of both mom and dad living under one roof is always an ideal situation when we think about the well-being and love of a child.
However, harmony gave way to problems, lies, and infidelity.
One year ago, I helped my daughter pack up and leave an unhealthy situation, moving from Boston back home to New York.
My daughter was heartbroken and devastated.
I felt like the deja vu button was hit, recalling my relationship tragedies.
I envisioned better for my daughter, but there I was, walking in the shadow of an all too familiar prior existence.
At least we were walking together, and I promised to help my adult child, who now was a first-time mom.
The early days did not go over well; quite the understatement!
My daughter’s ex continued the relationship with the woman he traded her in for.
Emotions heightened, lots of heated arguments, name-calling, finger-pointing, and so on.
Moreover, the pair, now uncoupled, bickered about child support, visitation, what was best for my grandson, and even HOW he should be raised.
Good Grief!
For the love of the child, I wanted my daughter and her ex to do better. Indeed, with time, little Lennox would become increasingly aware of his parents’ discord, and the effects would negatively impact an innocent little boy.
They had to find a way to work together, to co-parent peacefully for the sake of their child.
Upon request, I stepped in to offer some assistance based on experience, trials, failures, and successes.
My role, solely as support, has provided some helpful insight, and progress is moving more positively.
6 Co-Parenting Tips for Separated Couples
☮️ The blame game- separated couples often hold onto painful feelings depending on the nature of the separation. Therefore, it is crucial to refrain from finger-pointing when co-parenting. Whatever the reason was for calling it quits with an ex, it is irrelevant where child-rearing is concerned.
Separated couples need to focus on the needs and happiness of the child or children in question. So, put the index finger away, and end the blame game; better yet, don’t get caught up in the hoopla, to begin with. It’s not a competition, but there are potential losers, the innocent little one(s) who did not ask for the situation.
☮️ Don’t be spiteful- Again, when couples separate, there are a lot of unresolved emotions. Uncoupled parents must hang the resentment up at the doorway. Threatening each other by withholding payment for a child’s necessities like food, clothing, or other basics, even withholding time and attention, are uncalled for and inexcusable. Keep the ill feelings in check and focus on the bigger picture, the child. A bitter approach is never an answer; neither is a tit-for-tat mentality. Knock it off!
☮️ Watch your language- When parents separate, sometimes emotions are challenging to navigate, and regretful words are spoken. However, Children do not need to hear the sorted details of the breakup.
Furthermore, they should not be in earshot of negative comments regarding either of their parents. Always remember how you feel about your ex, and the mitigating circumstances of the breakup are separate issues from the subject at hand; co-parenting. Keep the two in their appropriate lanes. Whether your child(children) is ten months old or ten, watch your language; children are sponges!
☮ ️Keep your eye on the baby, not the booty- Sometimes, uncoupled parents get the idea of rekindling the bedroom passion into their minds. Trust me; it isn’t far-fetched for one-half of the former couple to use the child by reminiscing about happier days to get the other person into bed.
However, sweet words, promises to do better, and romantic gestures with the manipulative, “I miss my family” or “We should have another child” do not solve the unresolved. Furthermore, if the focus is co-parenting, jumping back into bed will not provide the child with the needed stability. Often, these little tet de tets cause further confusion and heartbreak in an already delicate situation. Sex is only temporary peace until either the recaptured novelty wears off or the next big argument. So, again, knock it off; keep your pants on!
☮ ️Get a mediator if needed- Sometimes, uncoupled parents can’t get past the resentment and pain to co-parent peacefully. In these instances, it is always best to seek outside help. In my daughter’s situation, I mediated by facilitating face-time calls between my grandson and his father when his parents were not on speaking terms.
My role, however, was not one of advisor, counselor, or referee. Instead, I made it clear to my daughter and her ex that I would only provide a space for peaceful interaction between father and son. By no means was I or am I willing to get involved in ongoing disputes or put my two cents in when it’s not my place.
A trusted friend or family member can make an ideal mediator if boundaries are put into play. Otherwise, going the legal route may be the best decision.
☮️ Don’t use your child to get information- This applies to older children. Sometimes ex’s like to question their child(ren) about what mommy or daddy are doing. Effective co-parenting does not involve digging dirt up on either mom or dad; you are not together anymore and do not have the right to interrogate your youngster about your lost love’s actions, comings, and goings.
Additionally, the above behavior places a child in an awkward, unhealthy situation. No parent should put a youngster in such uncomfortable circumstances having to make informed adult decisions.
In 2020, studies indicated that in the United States, 25% of American children are growing up in single-parent households. In numerical terms, the figure exceeds 19 million. The stats have more than tripled since the 9% figure in 1960.
Uncoupled parents need to keep the peace for the sake of their children. However, co-parenting while living apart may not be ideal. Not all parents come to amicable terms efficiently providing stable role models for their kids. Some exes cringe at the thought of their former significant other and find it almost impossible to work as a team for the greater good — the love of the child.
The love of the child, however, is and should be the focal point.
For me, I did not get much cooperation from my exes. Neither guy expressed a stable heartfelt interest in being a father to my children.
So I did it alone.
If a couple breaks up and both parents are making an effort to raise their children, I believe finding peace with co-parenting is essential.
As for my daughter and her ex, they are coming along. Issues remain, but they are making an equal effort.
They put their differences aside on Father’s Day and took my grandson to the zoo together.
Does the ex want my daughter back? Yes, but she admittingly has not forgiven him yet for his indiscretions.
My daughter loves the father of her son but isn’t in a place where she will consider rekindling her relationship and putting the “family” back together.
She is making strides, though, keeping Lennox’s best interests at heart.
And yes, Lennox’s dad is a great father, but this does not mean a promised romantic reunion with his mommy.
Where will the future lead? Who knows, but co-parenting in peace is the most important thing when we think of the little ones — Yes, for the love of a child!
