Love, Parenting, Relationships
Knowing When To But Out Of Our Adult Children’s Relationships
We Love Our Children, Yet There Are Boundaries We Must Not Cross
I love my daughter and grandson with all of my heart, but I cannot stand my grandson’s father. He lied, cheated, and broke my daughter’s heart, and now he wants his family back. A lot of nerve, but as much as I wish I could make him disappear, I have to remember my place, or should I say, lack of business in the situation.
Perhaps, some of you, parents with adult children, are familiar with my dilemma. We cannot bear to see our sons and daughters suffering in pain, wishing we could wipe away their tears like we did when they were small, but they are not little anymore. Those days of yesteryear are gone, and we have to face the fact that their lives are more complex now. Mommy and Daddy cannot fix everything.
To sum up my child’s situation: In May of this year, she left her then-boyfriend and father of her son, who was nine months old at the time. This incident occurred during my weekend visit from New York to Boston. I expected nothing other than a regular happy family gathering.
My daughter, Brittany, and the boyfriend went out for an evening while I watched the baby at home. Unfortunately, the scheduled affair was cut short, and I will never forget her barging through the front door with the most disturbing news. The boyfriend confessed that he was having an affair that began during her pregnancy with a woman from work. This confession was his way of letting her know that he wanted out of the relationship. Nice guy, right!
That same weekend, my first-born daughter and grandson returned to Albany with me after hours of inconsolable crying. She completely broke down.
Within two weeks, my child had a new apartment here, in New York, and landed a General Manager position in a local hotel. Although deeply depressed and traumatized, she was determined to put her life back together. I stood by her, assuming the role of care provider for the baby while she worked.
The ex continued his relationship with this other woman who was much younger than his 35 years and very wealthy. A-hem, a-hem, sorry, thought I had something stuck in my throat.
My daughter managed to pull herself together, although still deeply depressed, for the sake of her son. She slowly regained her normal appetite and began thriving as an accomplished businesswoman.
Flash forward to the present day, more specifically, Christmas day.
On Christmas, I celebrated at my daughter’s home with two of my three other adult children. Joining us was the ex, who we expected because he wanted to see his son. However, I did not expect to see his suitcase in my daughter’s hallway and learn that he was staying in the same home with my daughter instead of at his parents like he usually did when he came to see his son. Hmm…
The ex called it quits with the other woman, deciding that he made a mistake and wanted his family back. Everyone makes mistakes, true, but he had an affair with this person for a long time before my daughter ever had an inkling of a clue. He allowed this other woman into his shared home with my child while she worked, holding my grandson, basically violating everything that was supposed to be sacred as a loving couple and family.
So, I sat in complete disgust and shock, watching this man kiss my daughter’s backside on Christmas. He catered to her every need and did all of the holiday kitchen cleanups making himself appear endearing. Unfortunately, he overplayed his hand by” accidentally on purpose,” leaving the price tag on a ring he bought her that priced at $400. He tried to play cute by saying it was a gift from the baby; whatever!
Now, a part of me wanted nothing more than to knock this guy on his kiester, but I refrained from acting on all such ideas and behaved cordially. Was it easy? Nope, but I did it anyway.
I am sure some of you are wondering how I could keep my cool or even tolerate being in the same room as this ex-boyfriend. Although this is my first experience with any of my adult children where I wanted nothing more than to run for the front door, I carefully considered my actions by viewing the situation from the perspective of the greater good.
Despite my emotions, I know that I have to accept that this man, my grandson’s father, will be in the picture, so I came up with some self-help methods that I hope will benefit everyone involved, making circumstances tolerable.
Personal Tips, Ensuring Boundaries In My Adult Child’s Relationship
- Stay out of arguments between my daughter and her ex. I constantly flashback to the day when my child’s world blew up. I was in her home when the man belittled my daughter. I heard his harsh words, precisely, “I love my son, make no mistake, but I do not love you.” This man and I exchanged words on this particular day, but I vowed to focus on my child after that. It is difficult to hear our children’s personal affairs displayed in such an insensitive manner, but I knew that stepping into the argument wasn’t my right or my business.
- Remain open to counsel but do not force advice. When my daughter and her ex split up, there was a lot of discussion about moving forward. I advised her to the best of my ability as I raised my four children(from two different fathers) alone. I understand the heartache and disappointment involved with a messy breakup. As the months passed, I adjusted my words of wisdom to as needed only, meaning when my daughter asked for my input. I realize that my child has to make her own decisions. Ultimately, if she decides to give this guy a second chance, it is her business. I don’t have to like it, but I will have to acknowledge her decision to respect it.
- Keep the peace by keeping myself in check, avoiding alienating my daughter and grandson. When I was a child attending family gatherings during the holidays, certain family members did not speak to others because of their differences. To this day, I do not know what the issues were, but I can tell you that the tension radiated beyond the people who were conflicted with the rest of the family. I recall feeling lonely and awkward, often depressed because most of my family lives overseas. All I wanted as a child was some connection with the few family members who lived within proximity. I always told myself that I would never allow this discord with my children. My position is support. I know many future events, birthdays, and holidays with my grandson will mean his father’s presence. Despite how I feel about him, this man loves his son, supporting him emotionally and financially. To maintain a positive relationship with my daughter and grandson, I must remain civil toward the ex. I have no right or business voicing objections or behaving in a way that makes others feel uncomfortable.
It saddens me deeply how much my daughter hurts, and it infuriates me now to see her conflicted as the ex tries to win her back. I understand that people make mistakes, and sometimes second chances are given with the hope that the second time around, things will be better. I also know that forgiveness will give my daughter the freedom that she desperately needs to move forward no matter her decision.
For me, however, I am not ready yet to forgive the man who broke my daughter’s heart, causing a nervous breakdown. Also, I know that it is not my situation to pardon, but somehow I must get to that point of absolution, if for no other reason than peace of mind.
As parents, our children are our greatest gifts. We raise them with tender care, hoping that their love relationships will be lasting and reciprocated as adults. However, sometimes things do not go as planned. People split up; hearts break. Furthermore, sometimes the emotional damage is so significant that we want to jump in the ring, so to speak, and fight for our sons and daughters. The truth is, we cannot. All we can do is be there, offering moral support and a shoulder to lean on. When it all comes down to it, we must keep firm boundaries; otherwise, we may end up alienating our greatest treasures.
Thanks for reading-Marilyn