Summary

The article "53 Questions for Our Taekwondo Instructor" humorously presents a series of quirky and embarrassing questions that parents might have for their daughter's Taekwondo instructor, Master Angela, but are too shy to ask.

Abstract

In a lighthearted and satirical piece, the author compiles a list of 53 humorous and offbeat questions directed at their daughter's Taekwondo instructor, Master Angela. The questions range from playful inquiries about her personal life, such as whether she refers to her house as a dojo, to more outlandish and fictional scenarios, like the possibility of her having ninja-like abilities or a secret past. The tone of the article is whimsical, with references to pop culture icons like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and martial arts stereotypes. It is clear that the questions are not meant to be taken seriously, as indicated by the footnote emphasizing the satirical nature of the story and a tongue-in-cheek disclaimer urging the instructor, Angela, not to take offense or resort to violence.

Opinions

The authors express a mix of admiration and curiosity about Master Angela's life outside of Taekwondo, speculating about her home life and personal habits.
There is a playful suggestion that Master Angela might possess extraordinary martial arts skills, akin to legendary figures who can perform mystical feats.
The authors reveal a fondness for martial arts and pop culture, as evidenced by their references to Ninja Turtles, lightsabers, and Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.
The piece reflects a sense of camaraderie and shared humor between the authors and their readers, inviting them to partake in the joke and the absurdity of the questions.
There is an underlying respect for Master Angela's expertise, despite the comedic tone, as the authors would consider her capable of performing impressive stunts and possessing formidable combat skills.
The authors poke fun at their own domestic security, jokingly questioning whether Master Angela could break into their house or if they could borrow training armor without ulterior motives.
The article concludes with a self-deprecating joke about the author's own membership cancellation, further emphasizing the satirical nature of the piece.

KICKS N’ GIGGLES

53 Questions for Our Taekwondo Instructor

That we are too embarrassed to ask

**Master Angela Seagal Van Damme Chan** — Photo by Gerville. License: Canva Pro

— Our oldest daughter takes Taekwondo lessons. My wife and I sit through weekly classes and ponder the secret life of the talented but mysterious class instructor — Master Angela. We have questions that we will never ask. ¹

Is your dog named Master Splinter?

Do you refer to your house as your private dojo?

Can my wife and I borrow the Taekwondo training armor for the weekend? It’s not for a sex thing.

Who’s your favorite Ninja Turtle? Mine is Donnetelo because he wears glasses and believes the earth is flat. My wife likes Leonardo because he knows how to handle a cheese shredder.

I love pizza as much as the Ninja Turtles. Does that qualify me for at least a Purple Belt?

Do you and your partner decide family squabbles with Trial by Combat?

Do you do your own stunts? Will you do some of my stunts?

Did you play Kick the Can as a kid? We bet you were the champion of your neighborhood.

There is a legend of a Tibetan monk who can harness his Chi so strongly that he killed his enemy with the softest contact. Is this story true? Exactly where on the body does someone apply the mystical death touch? Can you demonstrate the proper form on Janet in accounting?

Did you ever Sweep the Leg?

What is the hexadecimal color code for a black belt? Or do you prefer RGB?

Could you break into our house without us knowing?

Estimate how many minutes Mark would take to injure himself with your sword. Is your guess more or less than one minute? How much less?

Our daughter is excited about the Taekwondo Friendship Tournament. I want to know when we fight our enemies.

Do you have a nemesis? If not, are you taking applications?

If a gallon of milk is open for two weeks but not past the expiration date, is it wasteful to throw it away? How do I convince my husband his answer is wrong?

Do you keep throwing stars in your purse?

How many different ways could you kill us? More than fifty? How many more?

Do you ever stroll down dark alleys late at night to maintain your fighting capabilities? Which location is your favorite? Want to know our favorite dark alley?

Do you prefer people to fear you openly or try to hide it?

Have you broken into our house without us knowing? The belt sander is missing.

When do we get cool weapons like lightsabers or poison nunchucks?

When your taekwondo students irritate you, do you swear at them in Korean? Have you sworn at us in Korean?

Did you have to get a concealed weapon permit to put your hands in your pockets? Can we ask this question without it sounding like a desperate pickup line? We fear you.

What is the effective range of blow darts? How long does the target stay unconscious? Do we have to pay extra, or are they included in the Double-Double Secret Assassin Black Belt Club price tier?

If assailants attacked you one at a time, like in an 80’s Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, how many hoodlums could you defeat in a row?

What’s your origin story?

How many criminals have you vanquished?

Do you ever escape awkward conversations by dropping smoke pellets?

Would you notice if we broke into your house? Where do you keep your belt sander?

Mister Miyagi or Cobra Kai?

Would you rather fight a sadistic two-story tall rhinoceros with a bow staff or face one hundred non-mutant turtles with katana blades duct taped to their shells?

What’s the ninja equivalent of a teenage eye roll?

Since your formal uniform resembles a bathrobe, do you lounge around your private dojo in a tuxedo?

Why is our membership canceled?

Footnotes

¹ This story is a work of satire from the nonsensical mind of the author. Please do not take it seriously — or murder us, Angela.

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