5 Ways to Recover Your Power After an Abusive Relationship

Hint: You never lost it.

[Note: As in all my articles on abuse, feel free to change pronouns as needed]

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The dynamic in an abusive relationship (non-physical abuse such as emotional/narcissistic included) is one of imbalance, control, codependency, and secrecy. There is the abuser who operates on a formula of manipulation, gaslighting, and normalizing in the effort to create an environment that enables the abuse to continue. And there is the victim who is initially unsuspecting of the manner in which she is being groomed to not only accept the abuse but also endure it as it worsens over time.

I should know. I spent sixteen years in an increasingly abusive marriage with a man who would be diagnosed as a narcissist. And it was only upon my escape that I realized I was a victim (I mistakenly assumed that black eyes and broken bones were the only evidence of abuse). Thus began my journey of taking back my power from the one who I thought was in possession of it.

In any abusive relationship, however, this inequality of power is perceived. A victim of abuse never actually loses her power, she is only convinced she has none through a series of tactics an abuser employs, such as stripping her of her confidence, diminishing her self-worth, and isolating her from those who might come to her aid. This is not to be confused with the control an abuser has, such as physical or financial control that can trap a victim in place and make it difficult if not impossible to escape.

The power dynamic is most recognizable when one has left the abusive relationship behind and taken those first few steps on the road to recovery and healing, with the intent to move from victim to survivor.

Because of the tactics employed by an abuser — especially a narcissist — during the relationship, and because of a survivor’s weakened emotional state, it will feel necessary to “take back” what it is that the abuser has stolen.

But when it comes to our personal power, we never lost it. We were just fooled into thinking we did.

Look no further than the entire message in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy takes an incredibly long-ass journey in search of her power only to find out she held it in her hands all along (or in her ruby red slippers, but you get the point).

So, if you’re still wandering around that yellow brick road looking for your power after an abusive relationship left you lost and heartbroken, here are five ways to skip the rest of that movie and get right to the truth of who is actually the all-powerful.

1. Don’t take the bait.

Narcissists, in particular, are master fishermen and will tempt you to come back with promises of change and reform tied up with a pretty little love-bombing bow. But you are nothing more than a target to fill their much-needed supply and if you take the bait, you’re sending the message that you’re still desperate and hungry and unable to feed yourself on your own. So don’t bite.

2. Don’t show your anger.

Notice I didn’t say, “Don’t be angry,” because hell yeah you’re going to feel anger, rage even, especially once you’ve begun the process of figuring out what happened to you. But keep this anger to yourself. Honor it. Feel it through and through. Do not, however, reveal your anger to the ones who hurt you (you’re going to be hurt by more than one person as they reveal their true colors and whose side they’re really on). If you lose your temper or act out angrily, you are giving your power to others to respond, which they usually will with looks of, “She is crazy.” While a narcissist will just stand back and smirk, feeling full of himself that he got a rise out of you. Think of your anger like a gift to yourself and open it in private. Then put it to use by channeling it in ways that move you forward instead of hurling you back into the past where you no longer belong.

3. Don’t rely on anyone else to give you closure.

If you are waiting for an apology or remorse from the one who hurt you on purpose (can we just be clear on this: abusers, especially narcissists, know what they’re doing), you are handing over your power. Was what happened to you unfair? Yes. Did you deserve it? No. Did you suffer gross injustices by someone you loved and trusted? Yes. Are they going to ever apologize for the pain they’ve caused you? Oh hell no. This is a sour bullet to bite, but the fact is that the only one you’re going to get closure or validation from is yourself. You choose to accept that what happened to you wasn’t fair, and when you choose to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back to the business of living again, which you cannot do if you’re dependent on someone else to give you that closure. So, close that chapter and use the pen that’s in your hand — not someone else’s — to write a new one.

4. Release your expectations of others.

This is a tough one for the sole reason that as you begin to change for the better (getting stronger, wiser, healthier) those around you are most likely not going to change. This can also be a painful realization when it hits you that some people actually preferred you when you were miserable. Unfortunately, when you begin to change, such as when you start standing up for yourself or refusing to take bullshit any longer, there will be those around you that you’ll expect to change along with you and celebrate your growth. And yet, they won’t. In fact, they may very well put up resistance to your change and try to drag you back down to where they are. This is why you must drop any expectations of others to change because that puts you in a position of waiting. And now that you’ve become the butterfly, you don’t have the time to spend with all those caterpillars still stuck on the ground.

5. Have boundaries like a motherfucker.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I used to think a boundary was only a line separating states, or what constituted a claim in a pact between countries. I had no idea I could make boundaries for myself, draw lines in cement that told others what I would or wouldn’t put up with. This, of course, is what led the narcissists in my life to tread all over me and leave me covered with tire tracks of those who railroaded me or threw me under many a bus — and left me feeling powerless to do anything about it. Think of boundaries like doors. If you don’t have any, your heart and soul are open to absolutely all kinds of crazy walking in and walking all over you. The truth is, self-love is a prerequisite for setting boundaries. When you believe you are a person of worth, then you will naturally want to invest in the protection of that worth. And that, my friend, is true power. You make the rules for your body, soul, and mind, you set the stage for how you will or will not be treated, and then you stand guard and firmly let those who want to breach those boundaries know: Not today, motherfucker.

You’ve had the power all along. But unlike Dorothy, you don’t need to waste your precious healing time battling wicked witches and flying monkeys, nor waiting for Glinda the Good Witch to show up (finally, like where was she that whole freaking movie??) and lecture you on how you had to find the answers on your own. Just skip to the end of the movie, fling that red curtain open, and the power you were looking for will be there waiting for you in the mirror.

Because there’s no place like our own reflection to remind ourselves how powerful we truly are.

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