5 Terrible Reasons To Have Children

And the only good reason why you should

Views on having children are one of those delicate topics that most people try to steer away from at family dinners and social events because it can get really awkward really fast.

If you are in your late twenties/early thirties and currently childless — because you are child-free or just for the time being — you likely faced a situation where you were bombarded with tactless questions of the like: “So when are you going to have kids?” that you weren’t quite sure if you should respond to or just shut the inquirer down before the conversation goes too far.

Because let’s be honest, this first question is just the beginning. If you respond anything but the exact date and time you are planning to be impregnated, you will be attacked with follow up inquiries, with your curious counterpart willing to know what you are waiting for and why are you taking so long. If nothing else, these enthusiasts will surely advise you to hurry up because why on Earth wouldn’t you want to have children?!

As for me, I don’t have children yet. And for the longest time, I wasn’t even sure I wanted them. I told myself I just wasn’t ready (and I really wasn’t), but the problem was, I didn’t know if there would ever come a time when I would be.

I came up with all these practical reasons, such as not being financially secure yet and not being in the right phase in terms of my career development. And while these aspects of this decision are crucial and have to be seriously considered without a doubt, I eventually began to suspect that there was so much more to it — things certainly less tangible than the amount of money in my bank account.

At some point, I realized I was scared. Not just of the responsibility to raise a human being — but of the responsibility to not screw him up. Having been raised by a narcissistic mother, I had to learn the hard way that toxic parenting has life-long consequences on a child’s psyche and well-being, the consequences that follow one well into adulthood.

So the truth of the matter was, I was so afraid of screwing up as a parent, I deemed it safer to not even get involved.

Choosing to have a child is a huge life decision, I think most people would agree. It’s a decision that changes your life forever and irreversibly, and there are unfortunate consequences for those who do not make it wisely. Sadly, the weight of these consequences disproportionately falls on the child because she is the one who ends up growing up feeling rejected, unwanted, and unloved.

There is really only one good reason to have children. But before we get there, let’s take a look at all the wrong reasons first.

5 Terrible Reasons To Have Kids

1. You are bored or lonely:

I personally know someone who told me he and his wife decided to have kids because she was a housewife and was bored at home all day while her husband worked. They have three kids now. True story.

Using a child to resolve your neediness and inability to entertain yourself is, mildly speaking, messed up. Children are not toys you can play house with when you’re bored. Making you feel complete is not their purpose in life. They are not supposed to be your escape from reality, nor a means of filling your inner void. If you are unable to function autonomously as a whole, self-sufficient individual and you need help figuring yourself out — see a therapist. Not only having a kid won’t resolve your issues, but he will become the one to absorb your insecurities, which is a direct path to developing a savior complex later on.

And when it’s time for him to move on to adulthood, you will employ the most vicious guilt trips and manipulations to not let him go. Because if he’s gone, who will be there to keep filling that emotional black hole in your chest?

2. You want your child to make your dreams come true:

There are some parents that treat having a child as a project. They have it all figured out: a sophisticated early development plan, the most versatile extracurriculars, best schools, professional orientation engagements.

If you are one of these parents, you want to raise someone specific; you have a vision for your child. Usually, this is because you have goals you haven’t been able to accomplish in your own life and dreams you couldn’t make come true for yourself. So you treat your child as an extension of yourself and have this misguided conviction that it is now her job to make all these things happen — for herself, but really, it’s for you. Hence, you will push her to do specific things and towards a specific lifestyle that you see fit. As a result, your child grows up in the constant struggle to live up to your expectations with very little idea of what she really wants for herself.

Your children do not exist to stroke your ego. If you want something in your life, go and get it for yourself. Take some responsibility. Nobody deserves the fate of having to live someone else’s life.

3. You want to be taken care of in old age:

You may think that this is common predominantly in traditional cultures, but the reality is, over 55% of US parents expect their children to take care of them in old age. Interestingly, this trend appears to have intensified over the last several decades: 57% of Millenials view supporting parents as an obligation, while only 48% of Baby Boomers believe so.

Look, I know this may be a contentious discussion point, so let me say that it’s okay to help your parents, and you probably should do so to the extent that you can. However, I am of the opinion that this is not and shouldn’t be an obligation, nor should you ever raise your children with the conviction that it is. It’s your job as an autonomous individual to own the responsibility for your life and well-being at all stages of your life — and you should instill the same in your children. It’s great if you can get help from others, but it’s wrong to feel like you are entitled to it. Nobody owes you anything. Not even your children — who, by the way, didn’t choose to be born. You made this decision, and when you did, you accepted all the consequences that came with it, including having to give up your time and financial resources.

Raising your children with the mentality of obligation doesn’t do them any good in life because they learn to be permanently indebted and do things they hate out of obligation. Nobody likes to do anything out of obligation because, once again, it forces you into living the life you don’t want to live — and a lot of people eventually choose not to.

Paradoxically, the less you expect of someone, the more they will exceed your expectations. If you raise your child with support and love and expect nothing in return, she will give it back to you in multiples — and you will not even have to ask. Or you can keep oppressing her and have her never speak with you again.

4. You think it will help fix your marriage:

Let me tell you right now: it won’t. If you’re having marital issues, you have to separate them from your children. It’s not their job to fix anything in your life — they need your love, not serving as a buffer in the battle of sexes.

Your relationship with your spouse is the first relationship your children ever observe, and they absorb the lessons they learn from it. So if you hate each other’s guts, the traumatic childhood experience of being caught up in the crossfire of endless arguments and serving as a manipulation tool during a divorce has devastating consequences on the child’s development and adult life. They grow up feeling torn, unwanted, unloved, and often unable to form healthy and fulfilling relationships of their own.

If you have marital problems, work with your partner on resolving them. If you don’t have kids yet, then don’t have them until you have made progress. If you already have kids, then don’t get them involved. And if it so happens that you and your partner choose to split up, make this experience as gentle and non-traumatic as possible. This is between you and your spouse, not the two of you and your child.

5. You feel like you have to (because society says so):

This reason is usually most pertinent to women who, to give them credit, are often pressured in society to have children, especially while they are young. As a woman myself, I get it — it’s a tough spot to be. Your relatives and often even complete strangers feel entitled to constantly remind you that you’re not getting any younger, and you have to have children as soon as possible to avoid being “late” and potentially losing the ability to get pregnant altogether.

Special attention should be given to situations where it’s your husband that presses you to have children. This is a double whammy because not only are you faced with a possibility of social rejection and criticism, but you also run a risk of losing the person you love.

I strongly advise against succumbing to this ignorant, externally imposed, false sense of urgency and obligation. You have to do you, and everyone else can get lost. Because it is not just your life that’s at stake here — you also have to consider the life of your future child. Naturally, your own life will change forever, which can be devastating if you realize you didn’t want it or weren’t prepared. What is worse, if you give in to peer pressure and later regret it, your child will become a burden for you, and you will grow to resent him. I think the consequences of that outcome are pretty much self-explanatory, but let’s just say that becoming a toxic parent would likely be in your future.

If you deliberately choose to become childfree, that’s okay. Be honest with yourself and own it. It’s your life and your choice, and nobody out there can judge you for it because having a kid when you don’t want it (or aren’t ready) is a violation of both of your lives. And if you and your spouse are not on the same page about this, then he is not the right person for you. Neither you nor your child deserves to serve as a currency of exchange in familial relationships.

The Only Right Reason To Have Children

There is only one good reason to have a kid — and that’s not to have any reasons at all.

You should only choose to have children if you want to have them for the sake of having them. There is no underlying agenda, no expectations, no strings attached. You’re not trying to raise a functional and successful member of society, nor you’re trying to force them into a box of your own broken dreams and unsolved issues. You’re not expecting them to become someone specific, nor do you expect them to pay you back or take care of you.

Rather, you want to have a child because you want to bring a new little human into this world and be her guide on the journey to happiness and self-discovery. You want to nurture and cherish her as she explores, to be her mentor and caregiver, and your only end goal in this adventure is to see your child happy and living the life she chose for herself.

The only right reason to have children is unconditional love.

Last Words

Having children is risky — a lot riskier than not having them. It’s risky because if you have a child for the wrong reasons, you risk subjecting a new human being to a life of suffering and frustration.

Despite what many parents think children don’t need fancy stuff, private schools, and high standards. They don’t need your money and expectations. They need to be loved.

The worst thing you can do is choose to bring a new life into this world, with your decision motivated by social or familial expectations, marital issues, and personal insecurities. If you want to have children, this desire should be ego-free and come straight from your heart with absolutely no strings attached. Then both you and your child will form a sincere, unbreakable bond that will bring you happiness and last a lifetime.