5 Reasons You Have to Stop Trying to Make Him Better for YOU

You can’t change him or fix him, so stop already.

I met a good friend for coffee recently at the sexiest, swankiest, and prettiest coffee shop I’ve ever set foot in. She said she needed relationship advice and asked if I had time to talk.

Of course, I said.

I wouldn’t miss a chance to spend time with this friend, especially for meaningful conversation over a mug of incredible coffee.

With coffee in hand, I sat attentively listening to her vent about her partner.

He is so good.

He is such a good man.

He’s so right for me, except…. If only he could change.

I need him to show up more….

I just need him to do a bit more to meet my needs….

If only he could…

As she continued to talk, I couldn’t help but realize that my coffee, though served in the coolest mug, and there for me to enjoy in gorgeous cafe scenery, tasted off.

I couldn’t tell if the coffee was under extracted and sour, or over extracted and bitter. I found myself thinking, this is the perfect coffee shop, but the coffee just needs a little bit of work… it needs to change a bit and then this coffee shop really will be everything I could ever imagine…

So close, but not quite what you need

That’s when I sat up tall in my seat, looked at my friend and bluntly said, Your partner isn’t going to change.

He may seem close to being the full package and ‘perfect’ for you, but from what you’ve told me, he’s not.

You can’t change him. You can’t fix him.

You can’t mother him into being the ideal partner.

You have to accept this — to accept that this is how he shows up — and figure out what that means to you, or you’ll be forever unhappy and dissatisfied in your relationship.

Maybe it will be the end of your relationship. Or maybe it will be the start of something incredible.

But you have to stop already.

She looked stunned. And then I saw what looked like a wave of peace wash over her face. Her expression lines softened.

She looked at me and quietly said, thank you.

In that moment, her words carried such authentic sincerity, as if she had just found the space to accept her situation and herself. Or maybe she realized in that moment that she needed to forgive herself for wanting him to be someone he wasn’t, for trying so hard to change him, or for trying to manipulate another to get her needs met.

You Have to Stop Trying to Change Him

1. You can’t make your partner change.

You can try, wish, hint, beg, plead, and demand, but you can’t change someone. You can’t change their personality, their nature, or past that shapes who they are now.

If you think you can, you’re only setting yourself up for mega disappointment and hurt. Trying to change your partner will suck the life out of your relationship, your love for him, and ultimately, you.

2. Attempts to change your partner will backfire.

Trying to make your partner show up as you want or need him to be will eventually backfire. It will impact communication. It will impact the relationship. It can destroy any chances of vulnerable, open, and honest communication.

He may stop being honest with you. He may stop showing up. He may offer only crumbs to please you and to protect himself. You may increasingly only see a veneer or shell of who he really is because he either can’t show up, chooses not to, or avoids doing so because of your efforts and his own fears or needs.

3. Relationship Codependency Destroys.

Trying to change or fix your partner can lead to a toxic and/or unhealthy dynamic of codependency. Think fixer (codependent) and taker (narcissist) relationship. For long-term relationship and personal happiness, this is simply not a sustainable dynamic.

You will be forever trying to fix the other person, while hoping that your needs will be eventually met once the person is ‘fixed’ (or that your partner will see the light and value and appreciate you enough to meet your needs).

4. Expectations Kill Love.

Of course you have to have healthy boundaries and basic expectations like decency, respect, and care in a relationship. However, expecting your partner to meet your expectations or your ideals of what your partner must do to live up to your expectations is only a recipe for relationship disaster. Expectations lead to judgment. No one wants to be judged by their partner, especially when they seemingly fall short time and time again.

Expectations can also kill the chance at having true connection or emotional intimacy with your partner. When we have expectations and they are unmet, unwanted emotions can creep into the picture and seriously impact the relationship, such as anger, resentment, disappointment, and fear.

5. Trying to change your partner hurts you.

When you focus on changing your partner, you actually take away from yourself. Trying to change the other person interferes with you accepting reality vs. projecting a fantasy or holding onto potential. It gets in the way with you being honest and realistic about the relationship that really exists betwen you and your partner.

Trying to change your partner takes away your power and allows your partner’s behavior and actions to have an impact on you and your happiness — your wellbeing and your state of mind.

You have to strive to accept what is — and what isn’t

It’s not always easy to recognize or accept our role in trying to change a partner. However, if we love our partner, we owe it them and to ourselves, to show up as we are and give the other a chance to accept us exactly as they find us.

It doesn’t mean we have to be okay with how they show up. It doesn’t mean we have to be okay with their behavior. We don’t.

We don’t have to accept what doesn’t feel right for us.

However, we need to accept the reality of our situation, the reality of who the other person is, and how they choose to show up in the relationship.

If our partner falls short or if we think they could be ‘perfect’ if changed, that initiative for change and control ultimately rests on the other person, not with us.

Even if you don’t stay together in the end because the person is not what you need, you’ve allowed them to show up as they are without trying to control them.

Without trying to make them be someone else.

Even if they aren’t what you need in the end, you can walk away knowing you saw them and accepted them exactly as they are.

Now, that’s love.

If you loved my words, please consider clapping and leaving a comment. I truly appreciate your feedback. It helps me grow as a writer and human.

Oh, you might also love reading my 5 Signs He’s Not Ever Going to Change. Check it out.

j.j. wolfe 🖤