5 Fundamentals When Dealing With Life’s Disappointments
They will come but you will be in a good place
Like a lot of people I know, you have by now already suffered betrayal, disappointments, or just outright undeserved cruelty at some point in your life. You have probably been gaslighted, thrown under the bus, or have suffered from any of the million other creative ways people invent to express their meanness.
It hurts a whole lot more in relationships where you have held up your own end as best as you could, and it hurts especially when you discover that the others never even intended to keep to their end.
Such experiences can understandably bring you to the point where you just get so sick of people in general that you start feeling like you would be better off on your own. This is a natural reaction to being betrayed, hurt, or exploited over and over again.
“…or you have suffered from any of the million other creative ways some people invent to express their meanness.”
Though it is natural to feel this way, that is not the best way to deal with it. If you allow such feelings of hurt or bitterness to fester they can lead you to slowly start to become the bad that you see in other people.
If you are not careful such feelings can cause you to start treating others with a new uncharacteristic meanness. You can find yourself trying to inflict on others the same hurt you feel was inflicted on you.
If you do that then you will definitely hurt people that don’t deserve it. Doing that also makes you now part of the problem because, in reality, all you are doing is helping to perpetuate the vicious cycle- the scorned victims you leave in your wake will begin to act out too.
“Though it is natural to feel that way, that is not the best to deal with it.”
So what do you do? First, and most importantly, continue to treat each and everyone in your life on his/her own merit, and then:
- Lower your expectations. As the saying goes, he who expects nothing doesn’t get disappointed. While this may be true, we cannot go through life with zero expectations of other people. However, what we can do is to examine our expectations in light of people's capabilities and adjust them and our behavior whenever the need arises. “I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.” ― Bill Watterson
- Don’t make a habit of recalling or publicizing the good you have done for others. Keeping score this way makes subsequent disappointments even more painful especially from people whom you believe you have done good to in the past.
- Self-sufficiency is the best policy. In our personal lives, we should always try to be in a position we can do for ourselves. If you can help it, don’t put yourself in a position where you have no choice but to depend on other people. “Don’t lean on others, you don’t need to.”
- Forgive even if you can’t forget. Forgiveness can be hard but when you do it, it means you consciously let go of negative feelings like hatred and vengeance against those who have hurt you. You can choose to practice this forgiveness regardless of whether they deserve it, or even asked for it. In the end, it does a lot more for you than it does for them.
- Be the good that you find missing in others. In spite of them, hold yourself to a higher standard and exhibit the best of qualities that your offenders lack. And in a way, you have them to thank because they never fail to show you what you can become otherwise. “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved”. — Helen Keller
Bad experiences are an inescapable part of life. We all go through them. Our greatest challenge is not to let all the negativity take hold in our hearts lest we morph into that which we despise.
I want to thank EllenEastwood for sharing, You were a bad parent. Here's what I'm grateful for. In his time the jury was probably still out on 'tough love’.
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