5 Big Mistakes to Avoid Around Someone with ADHD

This is how you can be a better supporter of your beloved friend or family member with ADHD

Having ADHD is a constant game of proving yourself. It’s a tricky thing to live with because it’s not very obvious. Sometimes, not even to you. ADHD tricks you into believing you can do better in aspects that quite simply are an inherent part of your brain function. But it can also trick you into believing everyone struggles with the same things.

The worst thing about it is that those around you can also forget you have ADHD. It’s astonishing how many of my habits and personality traits are related or a direct cause of my ADHD, and that doesn’t necessarily make it an issue. But it becomes an issue when other people’s expectations don’t align with who I truly am and how my brain works.

Open conversations and being able to ask for what we need are key to getting those around us to help us along, but sometimes it can be very hurtful and off-putting to deal with some common reactions to our inherent ADHD traits.

If you know someone with ADHD, I’m here to shine a light on some mistakes you might not know you’re making. These end up making life harder for people with ADHD, which can lead to arguments and frustration on both sides.

Disclaimer: These suggestions are based on my personal experience as an unmedicated ADHDer in the process of diagnosis. All of them are confirmed by research and the online ADHD community, but that doesn’t mean they are guaranteed to work for you. The best practice is, ultimately, open communication and willing to listen to your loved ones and their needs.

1. Not offering to help

Zoomies are a thing when you have ADHD. People with ADHD are notorious for being hot messes. We often struggle to clean after ourselves, organise our stuff, or do anything remotely complicated.

But, periodically, we get what I call zoomies: becoming overwhelmed by our surroundings and going into frantic productivity mode. Zoomies can put other people off, because it’s tiring and annoying to see someone turn into a hurricane and run around you hopelessly, so you might want to remove yourself from that situation or simply leave them alone until they calm down.

Wrong. The best thing you can do to support your frantic friend is to help them with the chores or tasks at hand. This is called body doubling and it’s one of the most effective ways I get things done. If I’m at the office with my colleagues and we’re all working on a task, I am a productivity machine. If I’m at home with my partner and we both do house chores, my brain suddenly becomes clear and starts following effective, logical steps to get things done. This never happens when I’m alone.

I cannot stress this enough. This never happens. When we’re alone. So shadow your ADHD person around and offer to help. It might be slightly inconvenient for you, but it will do wonders for them.

2. Calling us annoying

If you know someone with ADHD and are ever exasperated in their presence, my friend, I feel for you. No one knows better than us how annoying we can be. From stimming and making noise and not being able to sit still, to interrupting you, dropping and breaking things, we are a handful. We know that.

But calling us annoying will never get you anywhere. I went 22 years without knowing why everyone was so exasperated by my mere presence. I knew I was a lot to handle, but never knew how to fix it. Calling us annoying only causes hurt. Calling a neurotypical person annoying might just be brushed off, or taken as a joke. But people with ADHD are their own harshest critics. Calling them annoying only reinforces what they already despise about themselves.

Instead, gently tell us that we’re being distracting, or ask if we need a moment. Sometimes, taking a few minutes to burn some energy, or being reminded that we’re loud and frantic is enough to anchor us back down.

3. Telling us to be more careful

This never works because, believe it or not, no one tries harder to be careful than someone with ADHD. Whenever I do something that requires focus and precision, I put my every effort into making sure I don’t mess it up. I try to breathe, slow down, stay still, only see what’s in front of me, I go through every step in my head, I slow myself down even more. It’s a true mental and physical feat.

Sometimes, this works, but many times, the harder I try to be careful, the easier my focus slips from me. Like a string that’s being pulled to its limit, something snaps in my mind when I try to do something slowly and carefully, making me mess up at the last minute. The last thing I need is to be told to be more careful. Because I just gave it my all, and it wasn’t enough.

Instead, reassure your ADHD person that you know they tried their best and ask if you can help in any way. If it’s something that can be tried again, offer your support, and if not, let them know it’s ok. Disappointing others is one of our biggest fears and we need to know you won’t hate us even when we mess up.

4. Making us feel like a burden

This ties in with points 2 and 3, but this isn’t just a bunch of words people throw at us when they’ve had enough. Making us feel like a burden is a whole behaviour pattern and you might not realise you’re doing it.

Some of the things that come from good intentions but are, in reality, a way to make us feel inadequate, are:

• offering to do something for your ADHD friend, knowing they will struggle or fail — let us do our thing. You can offer to help, but don’t take our agency away from us.
• blaming everything on their ADHD (you forgot your keys? You’re so ADHD today) — honest mistakes become a big deal when you have ADHD. Just see them as honest mistakes and move on. Don’t rub it in.
• making decisions for us (let’s not have a movie night, you’ll struggle to sit still) — ask for our input in things that concern us. Assuming that something won’t work just because we have ADHD is belittling.

An example of a great counter-behaviour to this is my partner, who relentlessly encourages me to try things that are, technically, completely against ADHD — like jigsaw puzzles. Jigsaws can be a nightmare scenario for us: doing something with patience, while sitting down, and having an eye for detail.

But my partner always gets me excited for jigsaws and he has a very effective way to succeed. He lets me do my thing for a while, then jumps in to help when I get frustrated. By the end, I’ve done something I wouldn’t have thought myself capable of, and I feel immense satisfaction and validation — plus it’s a good way to spend time together.

The key is not to take our independence away thinking you’re doing us a service. We’re not going to avoid certain things just because they’re difficult. And we need your support to tackle them.

5. Telling us we don’t make any sense

This means nothing to me. Yes, I go on tangents, and yes, it takes me an eternity to get to the point, but in my head, I make perfect sense. Because in my head, getting from the topic of, say, deforestation, to the topic of my grandma’s tomato soup, is a logical line.

Instead of criticising your ADHD friend and their chaotic way of inferring a message, try to be curious about their thought process. Turn rude and patronising reactions into something that can help you learn more about how we function.

“How is that relevant to what we’re talking about?” can become “How did you reach that conclusion?”

“I have no idea what you mean,” can become “Can you tell me more?”

“You’re deviating again,” can become “Do you mind if we go back to our initial topic?”

We’re notorious for blurting out random things during conversation, but they always come from a place rooted in what’s being discussed. Spend time trying to understand your ADHD person, they will love you even more for it.

And there you have it. Are you guilty of any of these things? Or are you an ADHDer with anything else to add to this list? Whoever you are, I hope this article helped in some way. This is not to throw shade at anyone, it’s just meant to give some context and perspective to some otherwise human, understandable reactions.

Eliza Lita is a freelance writer based in the UK. She covers books and reading, ADHD and health, fitness, and lifestyle. For more of her stories, please consider signing up for a Medium membership through her referral link.

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