45% of College-Educated Women Can’t Find a Man to Meet Their Expectations

Yes, women’s expectations have changed. And no, not all of those expectations are healthy.

I was dancing at my favorite salsa club last weekend when I took a break to chat with my friend Leo.* I asked him a question I often ask 30-something men — Are you single?

His answer surprised me.

He said he had given up on dating. Leo is only 36.

My spidey senses raised. Leo is personable, intelligent, funny, tall, handsome, and never smells like rancid beef jerky. (Clearly, my bar is low.) Oh, and he also dances like a precocious angel. Do you know how freakin hard it is to find men who possess that heady combination of masculinity and femininity? Asking for a friend…

What gives?

I started digging. There must be something wrong with Leo. A personality disorder or a third nipple.

But nope. He told me he was educated, gainfully employed at a tech giant, and doesn’t live with his mother. (I have not seen his nipples. It’s not that kind of dancing.)

Of course, I immediately filed Leo under “fix him up with one of my younger friends.” But his single status piqued my curiosity. I wondered if Leo’s friends were also single and not mingling.

What about Keith*? He can’t be single.

Yep, Keith can’t find a girlfriend either.

Okay, how about Jose*? Sure, his dips are a little frisky (I don’t like my head two inches above the floor in a crowded club), but surely he must have been snatched up by some lucky lady.

Yep, Jose tried dating apps and gave up. He has not been on a date in months.

Odd. All these attractive, intelligent, successful, kind, thirty-something men can’t find love. This tells me two things. A. Young single women need to learn how to dance. B. Women might not be finding the good guys because the good guys are no longer looking.

However, whenever I talk to single women, they always have the same complaint — they can’t find a man to meet their expectations.

A recent survey from the Survey Center for American Life supports my anecdotal evidence. Researchers asked over 5000 single people why they couldn’t find love. 45% of college-educated women said they couldn’t find “a man to meet their expectations.”

Unfortunately, whenever you tell any woman, “Your standards are too high,” expect to see flames shoot out of every orifice. Trust me on this one. No woman wants to be told to lower her standards.

Yeah, so I am about to tell women to lower their standards.

No, scratch that. I am about to ask women to reframe some of their standards. Here are a few of the most common complaints about men and whether or not they are warranted.

Complaint #1: Men are not keeping up intellectually.

About a year ago, I went on a few dates with a nuclear physicist. Mutual friends fixed us up. To them, it seemed like a match made in heaven — angelic geeky guy meets devilish geeky girl.

I broke up with him because he wasn’t smart enough.

Let me explain. He was off-the-charts intelligent with esoteric subjects that went waaaaaaay over my head. But he couldn’t hold a single semi-titillating conversation on politics, art, equality, history, culture, psychology, or any other topic.

And to be clear, it wasn’t the lacuna in his knowledge that killed the attraction. It was his lack of curiosity. He wasn’t curious about the world, and he certainly wasn’t curious about me.

For example, he had this annoying habit of shutting me up with a kiss every time I voiced my lady thoughts. (It’s cute once in a while. It’s not so cute when it feels like the guy doesn’t want you to open your mouth unless…)

I get it. Not all men are attracted to inquisitive women. The right men will find us fascinating. The wrong ones will find us annoying AF (and then call us “hot.”) I knew the relationship had no legs.

I am telling readers this story because it’s not how smart someone is that matters. It’s whether they are curious. The brain is not only the biggest sex organ. It’s the most flexible.

In contrast, my ex-boyfriend Steve* only had a high school education. He was utterly brilliant — always asking questions and turning conventional wisdom on its precarious head. For three years, we reveled in our shared sense of adventure. I wish I could find that curiosity in someone again.

But lately, there’s been a lot of wasted ink and cutesy monikers for men who can’t match women’s education levels. Yes, the Golden Penis Syndrome is no joke. We have a hypergamous mess due to men’s education levels falling so far behind women’s.

But education is not intelligence. There are a lot of Harvard graduates with vacuous minds. And there are a lot of high school graduates with beautiful minds.

So ladies, please stop swiping left on the guy without an education. Take the time to talk to him. The wonderful thing about falling in love is people will surprise you if you let them.

Complaint #2: Men have lost the art of conversation.

A couple of weekends ago, I met a guy at a party. It was clear we were both attracted to each other. So we found a comfy sofa in a dark corner to chat, sip bourbon, and poke fun at the host’s music playlist. (It was all torturous country music with vapid lyrics about pickup trucks and beer.)

By the third Shania Twain song, I had got his life story out of him.

By the fourth Shania Twain song, he had yet to ask me a single question.

This guy was not an anomaly. Although I usually don’t have to endure country music while feeling invisible, most men are not great listeners.

Sorry, gentlemen, but I will have to side with the ladies on this one. You need to up your conversation game.

First, stop taking dating tips from pickup artists and influencers. Their “act-as-if” advice is garbage. Sure, swagger matters. But to connect with someone, you need more than charisma. You need to give someone your attention.

Here’s a lesson from a famous seducer. In the nineteenth century, Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli and his political rival William Gladstone were at a dinner party, fighting over the same woman. Later, when the woman was asked who she preferred, she said, “When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England.”

That is the difference between seducing someone with charisma and seducing someone with charisma and curiosity.

Second, if you lack passion, you lack the foundation for a stimulating conversation. It is wonderful if you can bust a gut in your job, but be careful of becoming a flattened caricature of upward mobility. No one wants to hear the tired bromide of “get a hobby.” But seriously, get a freakin hobby.

And ladies, if you meet a poor conversationalist, take a beat. Just because someone sucks at conversation doesn’t make them a sucky person.

People get nervous on first dates. Some people tamp down that fear by incessantly talking about themselves without coming up for air. Others are just clueless egocentric turds.

Translation: Some shy men deserve a second date. You must dig to discover if you have a rare gem or a shiny coprolite. (Only the geeks will get that joke.)

Complaint #3: Men only want casual sex.

Men complain pretty loudly about women’s “body counts.” Yet, these same men check the box for “open to something casual” on their dating profile. Obviously, your body count will increase if you are open to casual relationships.

So, let me get this straight. You don’t want a woman who engages in casual sex, but it is okay for you to have casual sex? Yeah, sorry, that hypocrisy might have worked in the 1960s, but now it doesn’t fly.

Gentlemen, to be clear, there’s nothing wrong with wanting casual sex. But you can’t expect your partner to be a wholesome virgin while you play the thirsty whore.

Case in point. I once dated a guy who was giving me every indication that he had a high body count. (No, I did not ask. It was none of my business.) And again, there is nothing wrong with having a past full of sexual partners, but I worried that he did not care about his sexual health. So, I asked him to exchange STD panels before getting naked.

You would have thought that I screamed, “Fire! My vagina is on fire!!” I never saw a man run so fast toward the exit signs.

But before he departed, he claimed that “only promiscuous women ask to exchange STD tests.”

Ladies, it’s not men engaging in casual sex that are the problem. It’s men engaging in casual hypocrisy and projection that is the problem.

Here’s a simple solution — avoid those men.

This is one area in which women need to raise their expectations. If you prefer a relationship, why are you dating men who do not want the same? The logic that he will want casual sex with other women but a relationship with you fails the marshmallow test. People who genuinely want a long-term relationship will hold out for it.

Complaint #4: Men don’t put in any effort.

I will somewhat side with the ladies on this one, but both sides are guilty. Dating apps killed romance by making everyone and no one accessible.

However, part of the problem on the distaff side is cultural. From a young age, women are taught that men pursue and women are pursued. I have heard this advice repeated on TikTok — “The woman is the prize.”

Ick. The influencers dolling out this advice are creating a dangerous level of self-entitlement. (And repeat business.)

Sorry, narcissists, but people are not prizes. The prize is what you discover and build together. Yes, people should always treat you with respect. But you are not a trophy to be won. Look what happened to Midas when he turned his daughter into a golden statue. Not a good look.

My advice to women is simple. Don’t be afraid to be the pursuer. Go ahead and plan the first date. But don’t you dare plan the second.

Here’s the thing. We tend to like people who invest in us. But we will disrespect those who do ALL the investment. In other words, it’s okay to be the first to initiate desire. Men want to feel desired. But then he needs to match your desire.

Complaint #5: Men are intimidated by successful women.

Yeah, so this is a tricky subject to address without sounding like a braggart, but I personally experience it constantly. How do I know? Men tell me that I am intimidating. All. The. Time. And to be clear, the men who say this do not know me. It’s always strangers who confess this.

Case in point. I rarely use dating apps, but when I do, I have a proven technique to make overly aggressive men disappear — I just send them a link to one of my TV interviews. It works like a charm every single time. Fame is the ultimate boner killer.

A recent New York Times article will back me up. Lately, more and more men are rejecting women who have a high online visibility. Some even write on their dating profile that they will not date women with over 1000 Instagram followers.

Even worse, the women are now culling their follower numbers despite their careers depending on their online platforms.

I can’t believe a woman would sabotage her career to appease insecure men. Gross. You should never have to make yourself small to make your partner feel big. You are not a reduction sauce. You are the meat.

However, my second piece of advice is going to piss some women off. You will thank me later. Maybe.

Some of you are too damn independent. And yes, that can scare men away.

For example, I can’t fix anything, I drive like an octagenarian on meth, and I have the financial acumen of a toddler. I often lean on my partner to help me in these areas. Asking for help where you are weak does not make you weak. It makes you human.

Sadly, the drive to be perfect is killing modern love. Perfection is intimidating. It’s also kind of boring. Imperfections are what make someone unique.

Another reason why he might be intimidated by you is if you are leading with status signalers. Men are simple creatures. Most men only want a kind, loyal, smart, sexy woman who doesn’t emasculate them. Having passions is hot. Having possessions is not.

And to all the men who are intimidated by successful women (you know who you are), cut that shit out. Or go buy a hood ornament. It will make you just as happy.

Better yet, stop competing with women. If you want to date in today’s fast-paced world, you will inevitably date some women who make more than you, live in a bigger house, and have less debt. Get over it.

Choosing an ambitious woman will only strengthen your relationship. Shared dreams ignite desire. And money will always make relationships easier. The smart men have figured that out.

The poet Sylvia Plath once mused, “If you expect nothing from somebody, you are never disappointed.”

Since Plath had a torturous relationship with Ted Hughes that ended with her head in an oven, let’s not take that advice.

Instead, let’s temper Ms. Plath’s advice.

If you expect the right qualities from somebody, you will never be disappointed.

We enter relationships for different reasons. Some people expect certain perks — income security, a pretty person on their arm, or a ride to a colonoscopy. It’s not wrong to desire these things. Humans are a pair-bonding species for a reason. Our rate of survival increases when we team up.

However, real love transcends transactions. Healthy relationships are based on a shared desire to grow. And part of that growth is recognizing the expectations and behaviors sabotaging your love life.

*All names are changed, or I will never get asked to dance again.

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