45- Midlife is here… no more denying it
Midlife is finally here. This birthday found me in a pandemic and far from loved ones, I heard from friends I have cultivated through life. They are in different countries and speak different languages but they all have me and I have them.
45 finds me typing this in a house full of sunlight, in sleepy town and with the faint sound of a train twice a day disrupting the farmers around the corner.
45 finds me as the keeper of secrets that I know I will never share. Secrets that I will take to my grave because that’s the loyalty I owe to those who gifted me with their grief or mischief over wine or tears
45 finds me with the love of my life by my side and with the certainty that lifelong love is a choice, and a constantly mutating animal that need us to continue to adopt him as time goes by. It finds me with children who are their own person, who have their own angels and demons.
45 finds me with the confidence that comes from fitting in multiple jean sizes through years of eating disorders and healing. The confidence of stretch marks from pregnancy and a muffin top that will not leave me alone. 45 also also finds me with the realization that you can’t love others if you don’t first learn to love yourself and that it doesn’t matter how others see you in that bikini, what really matter is how much you love yourself in it. “Love” really is love for oneself first.
45 finds me impressed by the bold decisions in my young years. I guess sometimes you really have to climb into that nutshell and let the waves carry you. Eyes on the horizon and hanging on to dreams. Be bold but give your prow direction.
Cheers to midlife, cheers to gray hair hidden under an at home dye kit, cheers to having been here long enough, alive enough and witty enough to keep on going.