4 Types of Shame; That Unpleasant Self-Conscious Emotion
Identifying shame leads to the healing process
When I was eight, I watched National Lampoon’s cult classic Animal House. There’s a scene where actor John Belushi climbs a ladder and looks into the window of a home. He “peeps” in on a woman who puts her hands in her panties and starts to masturbate. I remember feeling like a voyeur, part fascinated, equal part disturbed. And then, my Dad walked into the living room halfway through the action. I buried my head in a heap of pillows and wanted to die. What was this gut-wrenching feeling I sensed? It felt like being caught doing something I shouldn’t have.
Shame is a universal emotion. And it is painful–perhaps the most excruciating feeling there is, given the sync in the brain like sharp physical pain. The agony makes you want to run, hide or disappear, or say you want to die as if you are a terrible person.
Shame is traumatic. It is as though a fog settles into the body and causes a break down in functionality. I’m not able to rewatch Animal House. Thirty-six years later, and I still squirm from the memory of the event. (Don’t worry, I see a therapist.)
Wikipedia describes shame as:
an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.
Four Types Of Shame
Gestalt psychotherapy acknowledges four different types of shame:
Self-evaluation shame causes a person to think and feel, “I have no right to exist.” This type of shame comes from within, the internal evaluator. The self-talk expresses hopelessness and demotes the person’s capacity to make rational choices. Each time the critical whip is snapped with harsh judgments, the evaluator’s voice becomes a little more powerful, and the inner self more resigned. Self-evaluation shame stems from a wide variety of self-inflicted behaviors, such as addiction, sexual immorality, or abuse.
Societal shame is an example of an individual or group inflicting shame toward another within the public domain. independent.co.uk describes this type of shame as:
unwanted exposure. For example, if you are called out for a mistake in public, or humiliated by someone walking in on you naked. This is typically what many people think of when you mention shame.
Rick Hanson, Ph.D., Psychologist and New York Times best-selling author delves deeper from an anthropological point of view:
we are intensely social animals, with an evolutionary history that associates survival with belonging to a group, for its protections, nurturance, and opportunities for finding a mate and passing on one’s genes. To be outcast, exiled, banished, shunned, etc. is a terrible thing, exposed to the cold whistling winds of the elemental world, trudging alone and vulnerable through life. Traditionally, it was the most severe punishment short of death, which puts it in perspective.
Speaking from direct experience, our family was lower middle class. We were not able to afford name brand clothing and shopped from value-driven Canadian chain chains like BiWay or Bargain Harolds, (both no longer exist). My peers in middle school judged me based on the pink rayon and polyester blend tracksuits I wore. When we lined up to select soccer teams, I was always one of the last. Most of my time was spent alone in the schoolyard. Upon reflection, I see where those old feelings of shame have shaped me into the adult I am today. I always wear stylish and attractive designer clothing. Everyone has a desire to ‘fit in,’ and when societal structures turn their back, the results can have devastating, long-lasting effects.
Another familiar and relevant example of direct experience shame comes from David Brooks, Opinion columnist from the New York Times in his piece The Shame Culture:
Social media has created a new sort of shame culture. The world of Facebook, Instagram and the rest is a world of constant display and observation. The desire to be embraced and praised by the community is intense. People dread being exiled and condemned. Moral life is not built on the continuum of right and wrong; it’s built on the continuum of inclusion and exclusion.
Social media shame is a massive problem facing impressionable young minds who do not possess the maturity to handle rejection, bullying and hate from online strangers. Today’s youth are up against a whole new world of challenges those of us in Gen X and above didn’t experience.
Family and developmental shame can evolve from the time of infancy. When a child’s needs are ignored, dismissed, or actions misinterpreted from caregivers, the response perpetuates the idea the child’s desires hold little to no importance. Rick Hanson provides an example of this scenario where the adult shamer may express:
“I’ll put up with you if you don’t ask too much of me” — or even punish her for expressing her needs at all: this sends messages, associated with negative feelings, of not mattering (and sometimes not even existing), of being outside the circle. As many such experiences get layered on top of each other, there is a growing sense of being unwanted, of lacking value.
When a family member consistently treats their children and other members of the family as unworthy, over time, they will learn to keep within strict boundaries for fear the perpetrator will retaliate. Repressed feelings ensure stability and peace within the household. It is a type of emotional control and abuse.
Family shame doesn’t happen overnight. It is a slow drip, one that accumulates over time and builds into a river. Healingtrauma.com calls it “developmental trauma” where shame:
disrupts normal functioning and creates feelings of isolation and powerlessness.
One extreme example where the secretive cloak of shame is most prevalent is within cults where order and rules lead to repression. Women and children (mainly) must adhere to the restrained system; otherwise, harsh reprimands and intimidation tactics used will deepen shame further.
Intergenerational shame extends through familial lineage. It begs the question — who’s shame, is it?
When a person grows up in shame, history tends to repeat it’s self. People often shame others when they experienced the same. It is important to discover the source of the shame to make sense of and come to terms with what originally took place.
In the cairn.info research paper “Transmission of Intergenerational Shame,” the author Jean Claude Rouchy paints shame as the image of a crypt or phantom:
The adolescent became, unbeknownst to himself, the actor of a dead person buried inside of him, carrying unspeakable secrets.
There are many examples throughout history where past lineage transgressions have manifested itself inside the minds and bodies of future generations. For example, some non-Jewish German people who are alive today may continue to feel the shameful reverberations of Nazi Germany and the Holocaust. It is a careful reminder to acknowledge past painful events while knowing we did not bear personality responsibility for that which occurred before our time.
There are people who do not possess the ability to feel shame. Psychology Today reports:
Shame is a sort of psychological prison that can be easily established in almost every individual, with the possible exception of psychopathic and narcissistic individuals. I do not mean to imply that these character types have no shame, but they typically do not experience it as such due to their rigid system of defense.
Help Is Available
Shame can be a highly sensitive, often painful experience. The best method to process past and present trauma are through a highly skilled therapeutic practitioner — generally, a psychologist or psychotherapist who has undertaken specific training and knowledge in the field. If you are interested in further understanding the variety of therapy methods available, contact me, and I will provide you with a list of options: [email protected]. Note — I am a psychotherapist in training and not yet available to practice with clients.
You Are Loved
The goal of this post is to explore and educate readers on the four types of shame. Shame is a universal emotion felt by all with varying degrees of intensity, longevity, and stickiness within us. Know you are loved. You are here for a reason and purpose. And you are not alone.
Resources
- independent.co.uk 4 Types of Shame
- Rick Hanson From Shame to Self-Worth: Development of Shame Spectrum Feelings in Childhood
- Healingtrauma.com Shame and Trauma
- Michelle Monet Shame Gets Passed Down From Generation To Generation
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