SHAME GETS PASSED DOWN FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION

… until someone decides to face it and live a different way.

I read a lot of memoirs. Many are about the relationship between parent and child.

Generational shit.

Family dysfunction.

Worn out ideas and world views being passed down consciously and unconsciously from our parents and their parents — from one generation to the next.

I find this subject so interesting.

I plan to spend much of my time focusing on this issue of ‘Generational Trauma’.

I’ve mentioned two books that speak about this in some of my previous posts. One is called It Didn’t Start With You.

The other is The Body Keeps the Score.

Both books are excellent resources on this topic.

I’ve been interviewing both of my parents for my memoir recently. (My mom is 84. Dad 86)

It has been eye opening.

Honestly, it has been hard to hear some of the stuff they are telling me but I feel it must be done.

I really want to learn.

I want to break the cycle.

I want it to end here, with me.

Even though I don’t have human kids (just 5 cats, aka fur kids), I still have a desire to end this dysfunctional family cycle. I feel it is my mission to do so.

That is one reason I am interviewing my family.

Like an investigative reporter I am asking questions to find out ‘what the hell happened..in our family?’

Some might say ‘Why bother?’.

“Why not just leave the past alone?

Leave it in the past!

The late author John Bradshaw studied shame. He wrote many books about it. His most famous was: Healing the Shame That Binds You. He stressed the importance of breaking through shame in order to be a healthy human being.

I am doing this now. It feels good.

I am now addressing the issue of ‘shame’ which I believe began a few generations ago in my family history.

I believe shame is behind so much of the mental health issues in our society.

Another wonderful author and researcher Brene Brown has researched shame and vulnerability most of her career. She says that there is a huge difference between SHAME and GUILT.

Guilt says we’ve done something wrong.

Shame says we are wrong.

Brene Brown adds this:

Based on my research and the research of other shame researchers, I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful — it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.

I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.

Shame cannot survive if it is met with empathy.

So if we meet our ‘shameful’ parts with empathy and compassion we can heal it.

This is my goal.

Shame sucks and I am determined to lift the veil of it in my lifetime.

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