4 Types of Invasive People

Your boundaries are important.

Sometimes we operate at a high, where things flow seamlessly. Then, someone comes along and attacks our character for no real reason. Strengthening our boundaries will help us further when we are confronted by these kinds of people.

This is not to say that you don’t have boundaries. On the contrary, we all have boundaries, with some of us operating at varying levels of permeability. Some of us need that little push to maintain that strong momentum, especially across long periods of time.

For someone like myself, a person who is working to become a therapist, I’d like to think that I have boundaries. I also know when to put my foot down — but sometimes, we’re not always in the headspace to keep the walls continuously high, especially if there are people actively trying to push them down.

There is no perfect or standard way to respond to someone. However, once you are aware that you are in a situation where you feel uncomfortable with someone that you are talking to, you need to know where you stand, where the law stands, and where society stands.

1. The Invasive Questioners

Sometimes, we fall into the trap of answering invasive questions. Perhaps someone asks a question, and we feel that we are rude if we don’t answer. In an effort to not look rude, we end up talking about personal details, even though the other person may not use the same respect towards you.

Furthermore, this person may ask questions that are primed for debate. For example, perhaps the question is worded in such a way that you feel offended by it and want to correct a wrong. In an effort to explain that this question doesn’t apply to you, this person now knows a lot more about you.

For example, maybe this person said something like:

“Is it true that you did this thing?”

Uneasy, you’ve found yourself over-sharing to a stranger and disclosing that you haven’t done the thing that they assumed you did. Instead, we need to remind ourselves of our boundaries. For example, not everyone needs to know your tragic dark story and nefarious players may use this story against you.

It’s also okay to not share too much — especially if we feel a certain way.

2. The Online Detectives

As more and more of us spend time online, we end up in situations where it is easy to gather a high volume of data on a person in such a short span of time. In an effort to maintain high user engagement, perhaps we end up sharing too much information online and now we are vulnerable to thousands of unknown players.

While most people don’t care about us in this regard, a person who thrives on this detailed disclosure might have some ability to engage in regular invasive questioning, especially if they can obtain fragments and pieces of your personal life, such as the car you drive, how your family looks, and much more.

Sure, not everyone is malicious in this regard, since online influencers often have supportive fans, but you can never be too sure. When it comes to online correspondence, an internalized censor is needed, especially during times of duress. If you need to, imagine this censor as your own editor.

If someone asks you a personal question online, you can simply say things like:

“I don’t share my home address online. Why do you ask?”

If the person’s response is normal, leave it at that. If the person’s response is abhorrent, then perhaps this person is not needed in your online space.

3. The Misguided Interjectors and Interrogators

For some of the people who engage in intrusive questioning, they might interject into the narrative, as a socially acceptable way to satisfy their curiosity. Not all interjectors are bad, and some of them will admit to being profoundly curious about your personal details.

It’s okay to talk about things in passing conversation, especially if you’re interested in sharing items with them tastefully. However, if you feel that that the person has turned into an interrogator, you can certainly put down the breaks and opt not to answer.

For example, maybe this person would say:

“I know I shouldn’t ask this, but I wanted to know more about this thing you were talking about?”

In response, you can say something like:

“Well, you shouldn’t be asking this. It’s not very polite.”

As you can see, the reply was a bit witty, and perhaps a little harsh. However, the other party was a bit harsh to you. It forces them to come to a full stop and realize that they overstepped an unwritten boundary. Perhaps they will be too mortified to ask further questions.

4. The Daring Questioners

There are some people out there who may ask questions that are very triggering and don’t really care about how you feel. For example, they may ask you:

“So….how long have you had this condition?”

First of all, this person is assuming that you have a condition. This person might also be a devil’s advocate since they may ask further questions in an effort to undermine your narrative. Perhaps they might repeat this one question over and over again until you break down and provide them a clear response.

“Oh, I’ve had this for some time.”

This leads to a flurry of other questions, where they ask more and more pressure-inducing questions, weakening you in the process. Doubling down on their efforts, you are now under constant attack. They feel that you owe them a response.

To avoid this, you’ll need to assert boundaries and say things like:

“Please don’t ask me this. It’s not polite to ask people this sort of thing.”

“I have something coming up, so I’d love to answer, but I have to go. I’m really not in the mood for this kind of discussion right now.”

Final Thoughts

When it comes to people like this, the best thing we can do is to assert some healthy boundaries and limit our time with these individuals. It’s not easy to censor ourselves in this regard, but these individuals are not necessarily well-intentioned. If we have a fear of offending others while others are actively offending us, then there’s a power differential at play.

Friends do not elicit such strong power differentials. Friends will also respect you just as you respect them. Plus, even if we did end up offending someone for asserting boundaries, that’s their loss —you are worthy of being respected, even if the other person makes you think otherwise.

As F. Scott Fitzgerald once famously noted,

“If you spend your life sparing people’s feelings and feeding their vanity, you get so you can’t distinguish what should be respected in them.”

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