4 Things People Get Totally Wrong About What Turns a Woman on
There are so many myths about what turns women on, here is what really turns women on
It frustrates the hell out of me how much misinformation there is out there about what turns women on. All this manipulation of information by both men and women alike does is mess up people’s sex lives.
Here are 4 things people typically get wrong about what turns women on.
People think the idea of the female orgasm turns women on and is super important — it does not and is not
Women don’t get turned on by the thought of having an orgasm, orgasms are not even per se important to women’s sexual pleasure.
Before anyone goes crazy, allow me to explain, thinking about what comes before the orgasm is the turn-on.
This is because what comes before the orgasm is what is important, and if what comes before the orgasm comes consistently the orgasm, even if it doesn’t happen, isn’t even a big deal — at least not for most women.
Don’t get me wrong, in a perfect world most women would love the orgasm to come — myself included — but if the important things are happening and it doesn’t it’s not a bedroom killer. Sex is still great.
But what is a bedroom killer? Having a partner that does not listen to you, having a partner that does not care about whether sex is pleasurable for you, having a partner that gets insulted if you don’t have an orgasm, even worse, having a partner that does not make you feel safe and comfortable with them.
That means if you want to know the path to igniting a woman’s libido, it’s not giving her orgasms, or even wanting her to have them, it’s listening to her, caring about her, and making her feel safe — on all levels.
That’s because such a partner is fun to have sex with, you can play with them and have fun with them, and that makes sex an intimate experience — which is ultra important.
So, the idea of an orgasm doesn’t turn women on, and having an orgasm doesn’t give women sexual satisfaction, what gives women sexual satisfaction and turns women on, is actually giving enough of a damn to help us find what does it for us and then working together with us to give us that.
Yup, stop the presses, that means the biggest turn-on for women has got nothing to do with an orgasm, and everything to do with the thought of someone giving a damn about whether sex is good for us.
People think women like “sex” — but it is more complex than that
It’s clichéd to say that men bond to have sex, and women have sex to bond, and I’m not a fan of thinking of it exactly like this mainly because it is a gross simplification of a highly complex reality that normally gets twisted in a lot of detrimental ways.
But for lack of a better simplified way of explaining it, it is still the best way of explaining it.
In terms of what it actually means, men typically don’t need to bond to have enjoyable sex i.e. connect with the person, which is why they can so easily visit sex workers, but women typically do need to bond, which is why women don’t typically visit sex workers and so often struggle to enjoy sex if they do not feel like there is a connection.
This reality is why one-night stands typically are more enjoyable for men than women, though not always.
For example, one of my favourite sexual experiences came when I was in my early 20s. I got with a guy on a night out, we really hit it off, and I felt mind-blowingly connected to him, so much so that we had sex seven times over the night. Mind-blowing sex, and no, I did not orgasm and I did not care.
The reason I did not care was that it really felt like we were bonding. I knew we weren’t because I knew this was a one-night thing, but on an instinctual level, it felt like we were. The connection was just electric.
That is what is important for women in the bedroom, a connection.
This is why the honeymoon period is such an electric period of sex for women, due to the levels of anxiety that come with the honeymoon period, sex during this period is all about building a connection.
However, when the connection is built, it is harder to have this kind of sex, which is why a different kind of sex is needed, a kind of sex which is not about building a connection, but maintaining one.
But that still means it is all about bonding.
That means the majority of women don’t like “sex”, what we actually like is sexually connecting, which is why it is such a turnoff when men just want “sex” with us, but such a turn-on when men prove they give a damn about the connecting side i.e. that they desire to connect sexually with us rather than just have “sex” with us.
People think danger turns women on — it does not
A real cliché is that danger is exciting and will ignite a woman’s sex drive.
It won’t, the idea it will is complete BS. Danger is the fast path track to stress, and stress is the ultimate known killer of the female libido.
The myth that danger turns women on comes from the world of fiction. For example, the most common adventure story is a man who laughs in the face of danger going on a dangerous and exciting adventure with a woman, who by the end will be highly attracted to him — despite most often not being so in the beginning.
This is actually a realistic portrayal of what would likely happen in such a situation.
However, what is missed about this process is why it would, and the why is not because the man laughs in the face of danger, nor is it because of the danger, it is that the man pretty much always keeps her alive — despite all the danger.
That means what makes the man attractive is not the danger, but his ability to protect her and keep her safe in this world of danger.
Notice the word safe. That is the opposite of danger.
Anyway, this is why sex always comes after the danger is dealt with. So, it comes once they find themselves in a sanctuary after surviving the danger.
This matters, because surviving danger floods us with feel-good feelings, and for the woman, having been “saved” by the man, the feel-good feelings are all directed towards him and his powers to keep her safe.
This is why scary movies have always been a great first-date option for men. The scary movie creates the illusion of danger, which activates the fight or flight instinct, but because it’s an illusion, there is no stress which means the female libido is not affected.
After the movie ends, because the couple who viewed the movie are still alive, both get flooded with feelgood feelings, the difference is, the women’s feelgood feelings get directed towards the man with her instincts saying he has kept her safe i.e. “saved” her.
Even though it’s BS, instincts don’t know any better which is why it works.
That means danger does not turn a woman on, quite the opposite, danger creates stress which kills the female libido. What turns women on and especially excites women is the idea that someone who has the power to protect them from danger actually gives enough of a damn to do so, and what turns us on even more, is a man actually proving that we were right to have this idea.
People think “bad boys” turn women on — they do not
What is a “bad boy?”
The reality is it’s a meaningless term which in most cases talks about a man who won’t settle down and treats women badly. One of the greatest myths sold is that women are attracted to such men, and get turned on by such men.
We are not and do not, at least the vast vast vast majority of us are not and do not.
The idea that we are and do typically comes from the media industry along with films and fiction — which frequently present men who appear to be bad boys as the most attractive.
Fellow Knowledge of Freedom author David Graham actually wrote a great piece on the subject for anyone interested.
But anyway, it is always an illusion, because by the end the supposed bad boy actually turns out to be a nice guy who does the right thing, which sells the message to women that they can take a “bad boy” and tame him i.e. change him into a nice guy.
The vast vast vast majority of women find out that this is a mass media-sold lie and illusion — and we typically find it out the hard way.
In terms of what makes film “bad boys” initially attractive i.e. before they have proven themselves good, it’s because they are portrayed as men who have the capability of doing the right thing, if only given a nudge.
The latter matters, real-life “bad boys” have a really good habit of acting like they are fearlessly competent and can do things well i.e. create a world where women can be safe, if only given a nudge. The fact that they actually can only create a world where women are in danger, women typically don’t find out until it’s too late.
But the illusion that the opposite is true, comes from fiction and the world of film and media.
So, to define what a bad boy truly is, he is a liar who is good at making women think he is a fearlessly competent man who can and will look after her and keep her safe, when he can’t and won’t.
That means women are not attracted to bad boys or turned on by them, they are attracted to and turned on by men who have their back, and the better they are at having their back, the greater the attraction.
This means the key to a woman’s heart is not as the media says, so it’s not being a bad boy, it’s being the kind of man that bad boys pretend to be.
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