4 Reasons You’re Failing at Being Friends-With-Benefits

These arrangements are pretty straightforward to do once you become methodical in your approach and take the right precautions

I have only ever had one relationship in my life, and there are some days I don’t even count it. It was a three-month blip in the radar that ended before any “I love you” exchanges. We were, in my eyes, glorified monogamous friends-with-benefits (FWB).

In truth, I don’t believe I am built for relationships. Though I do get lonely at times, the majority of the time I love being single. I love being able to do whatever I want, no questions asked. I love how I can pick up my bags and move/travel at the drop of a hat. I love how I am my own priority and the centre of my universe.

So when it comes to casual sex, I’ve completed it. I have only had a handful of one night stands yet I’ve racked up a modest total of ex paramours (not including clients). Most of these arrangements were with friends or acquaintances, and the majority ended with amicably.

Quite a few of my FWB have spanned years (I believe the longest lasted six years before he moved away). Not to brag, but I can do casual sex in my sleep. I think they’re straightforward to do once you become methodical in your approach and take the right precautions. So I thought to write a list for those who want to try them but can’t seem to get them right.

1. You haven’t established clear boundaries

I saw a tweet the other day that said:

Though this was strictly for polyamorists, I believe the same can be applied to casual relations. You have to be bureaucratic about everything. Casual sex is thought to be archaic and spontaneous; however, if you want to make it a continuous arrangement, some planning and thought will need to get involved.

It is very easy to get lost in the motions, but that is how you run the risk of feelings coming into play. So it is vital to set boundaries very early long.

Through trial and error, I found out that I have to keep outside communication at a minimum or else things get tricky. By this, I mean, no texting or calling. Sure, we could send each other a casual meme, and we could speak whenever we hang out in person, but talking to them any more than this caused the build-up of an emotional bond. I learnt that I had to speak to them as I would any other friend, which for me is frequent but not a daily occurrence.

So, establish your boundaries early on. Work out what works for you both. Don’t go with the flow as you may run the risk of being swept up by the current.

2. You hang out exclusively

The only time you should ever be alone together is if you’re having sex. If you’re meeting up to hang out or go to bars, you’re not friends-with-benefits, you’re casually dating.

The nature of these relationships is that they’re not meant to be romantic, but transactional. Therefore there is no reason why you should be spending alone time with no coitus. If you do want to hang out, make it a group thing and invite other people. Completely extinguish any possibility of romantic ambience.

There is nothing wrong with going to get a bite to eat and then getting busy but even then, be careful.

3. You weren’t explicit with your intentions

Many of my FWB arrangements started randomly after a night out with the addition of alcohol. And then they just continued from there. There was no discussion or contractual agreement; it was organic. Because of this, very early on, I would be obsessed, bombarding myself with questions like “What is going on?” “Do they like me, or is it just sex?”. I would then kill myself with overthinking, trying to pick out signs of whether it was more than friendship through text messages.

The solution to this is simple: be honest and establish early what is going on. It doesn’t need to be a massive deal unless you make it into one. Make it clear and be brutally honest so that there is no confusion down the line.

The FWB arrangements that lasted years had longevity because we verbally agreed nothing would happen and we would check in from time to time. We were happy with our arrangement, so there were no mixed signals. By being honest early on, we simplified things.

4. You’re not honest with yourself

How many times have you had a friend who is in a casual relationship with someone, even though they have feelings for that person? I know I’m guilty of this too. I think that eventually, the magic between my thighs will convince them to love me. It will not. These arrangements aren’t meant for life anyway; they’re short term solutions. So no matter what you do, it will end.

Once you feel yourself catching feelings, it is best to abandon ship then and there before things get worse. And believe me, they will get worse. Listen to yourself; if it isn’t working, stop doing it!

Sometimes being friends-with-benefits simply does not work! Other times, they’re not the kind of relationship you should personally pursue — not everybody is built for casual sex, after all. So it is essential to stop ignoring the signs and face the truth. Cut the cord early. It’ll hurt more initially, but you’ll be better for it, I promise.

FWB arrangements don’t work for everyone — some people can’t disconnect emotions from sex for example. However, even if you can, there will come by moments where even yourself will falter. But this is normal. I think the most important thing is honesty; with yourself and with all those involved. The second is boundaries and communication.

By adding sex into the mix, you will have to sacrifice some parts of the friendship. This is just how it works otherwise things will be complicated, however this doesn’t mean the friendship is over, it just means the friendship is different.

It may seem like you are giving up a lot but if you want to speak to them all hours of the day, meet up alone and be intimate, what you’re looking for is a relationship. So pursue that!

You can’t have your cake and eat it. If you aren’t careful, you will get hurt.

Want to make sure you never miss a thing? Sign up to receive my sexy newsletter once a week.