4 Reasons Why I Should Earn As Much As A Cable News Host

You’ll think it’s only three reasons to fixing the pandemic, but I have a secret weapon.

While wasting time over my morning coffee yesterday, I turned on cable news. I certainly had better things to do. My laundry in my bathroom sink. Check on my 36-hour chocolate chip cookie recipe. I’m a busy gal.

But at 7-something in the morning, I needed to jumpstart my day. I was hoping for a new way to fix chicken to add to my collection of 475, 352 recipes for breasts and thighs. Or a super moisturizing hack to erase the sun damage of my 80-plus years. A girl can hope. Maybe, just maybe, the secret to finally decluttering that mess of a closet I won’t open in front of company.

But what do I get? Stephanie Ruhle telling me that European countries have smashed the coronavirus curve. And after the break she’ll tell us what Americans can learn from their experience. This is news? This is why she gets paid the big bux?

People! Hear me out. I have the secret to flattening the curve and any idiot who’s out there super-spreading the demise of our civilization as we know it should know it by now.

But apparently not, or we’d have, you know, flattened the blinking curve and dug ourselves out of this sickening (literally) mess.

So, while I poured a second cup of my special blend and waited for Stephanie to return in her summer sleeveless get up (to show off her guns), specs in hand (to show off her seriousness), I, of course, knew what she’d have for us. Three easy steps.

But what do I get? Stephanie Ruhle telling me that European countries have smashed the coronavirus curve. And after the break she’ll tell us what Americans can learn from their experience. This is news? This is why she gets paid the big bux?

Except, I could go her one better. Yes, dear readers, I know what it takes to get us up to speed and show our European friends we’ve still got what it takes to be number 1, and not just in embarrassing numbers of cases and deaths.

I’ll give it to you in four easy steps. Oh, I know the science nerds with big brains tell you it just takes three steps to kick the virus to the curb. What do they know? They have their heads in Petri dishes all day instead of mingling with the great unwashed and unmasked, the people who make our country tick and sick.

Those are the folks I’m talking about. Those are the people who need my wisdom. The super-spreaders of virus and ignorance.

1. Wear a mask.

What, you thought I was going to give you a secret decoder ring that would unlock the mystery of how to kill the virus? No, bunky. The advice is the same you’ve been hearing since this pandemic began. Cover your blinking nose, mouth, and chin so the virus can’t get out or get in.

I’m a little busy today, that 36-hour cookie thing, so I’m not going to take the time to lay it out in fine print for you. Just watch this video and let these dudes do the heavy lifting for me.

So, got it? Good. #Wear your damn mask.

2. Social distance.

This one is easy, but if you need it spelled out for you, imagine the world is filled with very drunk people about to hurl. You’ll want to stay as far away from them as possible so you don’t get any chunks on you. Experts say six feet is a pretty safe distance to protect yourself from unwanted hurling.

Now, some people may stumble and stagger because they have a balance issue. Or, they can really hold their liquor, and there’s no danger they’ll hurl. But how are you to know? You can’t, except for the people you live with because you know how much they drink. So, to be safe from unwanted hurling, you keep your distance when you’re outside and stay at least 6 feet away from all people. Problem solved.

Except in the case of the virus, what people are hurling can kill you.

So that’s social distance.

3. Wash your hands. Over and over.

Imagine people hurling when you’re not around and their chunks have hit handrails, elevator buttons, and the counters in public bathrooms. Places you’d touch in the course of a normal day. Gross, right? So what’s the obvious thing you do? You wash your hands every time you go out in public so you don’t get their cooties.

Except in the real world example, we know the virus can live on some surfaces for up to three days. So, wash your hands or use a sanitizer that’s 70% alcohol every time you come in contact with a surface outside your home.

Become a handwashing fool so you never touch your nose or mouth, the entry point for the virus to find a home in your body, with hands loaded with virus.

Now, if you were watching some hotshot expert, like Stephanie Ruhle, whom on a normal news day, I worship the ground she walks on, metaphorically speaking, they’d give you all this advice and act all smug and self-righteous because they know how to kick this virus to the curb and you don’t. Right? They think they’re done and dusted with their expert advice.

But here’s where I come in with my 8 ball in the side pocket.

I’m about to give you my money shot. The reason why I deserve the big bux so I can afford a lust-worthy backdrop for my Zoom calls and not just a sad concrete block and board bookshelf with some used paperbacks and a travel poster instead of gallery-worthy art and a gas-powered granite fire place.

Here goes, folks. This is the magic you came for.

4. Be willing to change your mind, say you were wrong, and open your ears to folks older, wiser, and better looking than you are.

If all it took to stop the transmission of the virus was to wear a mask and steer clear of anyone not a blood relation in your household, we’d have this pandemic down for the count.

But that’s just the beginning in this era of skepticism and science deniers, of followers of Hollywood influencers because, oh, why not? They have whiter teeth than we do, so they must be doing something right. And if your politics are to the right of the Planet Uranus, well forget what anyone who went to college tells you, they’re after your freedoms. Science is a hoax. The president said so, and if he doesn’t tell the truth, who can you trust?

You see where I’m going with this. It’s almost easier to convince people to floss every day than to convince them to follow the simple steps that can save their lives and those of the people who make life worth living.

So, all due respect, Ms. Ruhle, but enough with blather about masks. We’ve heard it until we’re up to our back teeth with it. It’s getting people to believe what they are resisting is the problem to solve. Convincing folks to change their minds.

And that’s what today’s lecture is all about.

Because we’re going about it all wrong. We’re playing the blame game, and you’d think we’d have learned now that it never works. It didn’t when my mother tried to stuff her over-cooked cabbage down my throat with, “The poor starving children in Europe would love to have that.” And I’d think with a sulk on my face, “So send it to them.” (Back in the ’40s there were actually poor starving children in Europe, and, I guess with the refugee problem, that’s true again, but it’s still not a good way to get your kids to eat their veggies, or solve the hunger problem).

We have to turn around the issue of changing your mind.

Too many people see it as a negative. A sign of weakness and failure. You didn’t get it right the first time, so you’re going to stick to your guns no matter what. No way you’ll look bad in public.

But let’s look at it from the other side of the coin, or mask if you will. So many Americans love that born again moment. No Catholic is more fervent in their belief than a convert. So how about we start an evangelical movement. We all become missionaries for the mask.

You can be a MAGA in a MASK. You can chant Lock Her Up in a Mask. You can proclaim you’ve seen the light. The gods have spoken to you and said, #Wearadamnmask. So you go forth and mumble through your mask, F*CK THE LIBERALS. We can take it. As long as you’re wearing a mask.

You can Zoom a meeting and share your new slogans, talking about the bliss of your awakening, the beauty of wearing a mask. How once you were weighted with doubt and now you are free, free of your fear of the virus.

And if you are a young, privileged techie who rejects any attempts to suppress personal freedom because you think for yourself and nobody is going to tell you what to do or how to live your life. Well, hey. My point number 4 is tailor-made for you.

Because, while you go your own way, you do it in shoes and seatbelts, and the latest in waterproof, moisture-wicking, high altitude jogging and yoga pants approved for the space station environment.

So you do a deep dive into the latest independent research, because you’re nothing if not independent. You put two and two together and come up with the new fact that the best independents are those who survive the pandemic, at any age.

Instagram influencer that you are, you start a #MaskEnvy campaign.

You never leave home without it, your designer, space-age material, bejeweled, breathable, branded face covering.

One day you wear one hyping your favorite charity, the next your children’s private school, the next your polo team, and then on the weekends for maximum exposure, your #BLM logo plastered on your mask handmade by your maid who works out of her home for extra money in these hard times.

You buy them by the dozen and sell them at a markup to your friends, the proceeds going to your children’s college fund. A win-win all around, not least of all the planet because more people are at least wearing a mask.

So you see, it just takes a bit of an attitude adjustment to get everyone into a mask of their choice.

We can deal with the politics and ethics after this crisis is over. For now, we just have to make sure everyone survives.

Now isn’t that worth at least as much as what Stephanie paid for her designer, sleeveless dress?

#Wearamask. #Don’tbeajudgmentaljerkaboutit.

I’m an editor and writer on Medium with Top Writer status. I’m also an editor for the publication, Rogues Gallery. I’ve published 55 titles on Amazon and edit for private clients. If you’d like to hire me as your editor for fiction, non-fiction, or business writing, please contact me here. If you’d like to read more of my work on Medium, click here to sign up for my newsletter. Thank you for reading.