4 Lessons to Better Connect With Anyone Learned in Firefighter Training
My brother started training to become a firefighter last week. The facility he’s training at is considered the “west point” of fireman training… at least that’s what he told me.
His journey getting to his point unfolded in a true coming of age fashion. My brother wanted to go into the army. My mom convinced him to study graphic design because of his amazing art skills. Then he wanted to become a police officer. My mom sent him to Los Angeles to live with me and pursue acting. He then wanted to become a firefighter, and she wanted him to work at a local wine bar (which he does on the weekends).
But lo-and-behold, the need to serve won out. My brother is currently training under Officer Bronco, who has a white handlebar mustache and claims he’s been “on more roofs than Santa Claus.”
He got thrown into a group of 20 men, all learning how to fight fires and save lives. They crawl through air-tight pipes with 70 lbs of gear on and scale buildings so high it makes me dizzy just thinking about it.
When he described his training to me, the core element in every activity boiled down to communication. How do you communicate with your team while sirens are so loud you can’t think? How do you come up with a game plan when chainsaws are breaking down doors and patrons are crying in distress?
How do you quickly build trust with these other individuals you’ll face intense situations with? Where there’s a split-second difference between life and death?
There’s a young man in my brother’s training program that is constantly a “deer in headlights.” Being the cute, highly sensitive person my brother is, he wanted to connect with this man. Try to put him at ease, offer support, and bond.
My brother’s willingness to go to a space of vulnerability with this other human stood out to me. It highlighted how many times we’re given the opportunity to connect with someone on a deeper level and we choose not to.
Whether it’s one of our co-workers, family members, or someone standing in the corner at a party not socializing. We’d rather create a space of comfort for ourselves. Even if we see someone else struggling, if we’re not comfortable, it’s hard to address their discomfort. We don’t want to put ourselves out there for the opportunity to get rejected. Or worse, maybe actually connect with someone else on a deep level… and then what do we do with that?
We go for the easy low hanging fruit in conversations — where do you live? What do you do? What’s your favorite restaurant? Can you believe it’s snowing this late in April?!
But can you imagine if we dipped out of our own comfort zone more often and created genuine connections with more people?
What would it look like if we switched up our conversational tactics and made the decision to dive a little deeper? How much can we gain from connecting rather than disengaging?
1.) Don’t just ask what someone does. Ask why they do it.
In every conversation with a new person, it’s almost a guaranteed question — So, what do you do? This isn’t a terrible question. Because in our current world, what we choose to do usually takes up a significant amount of how we’re living our life. We also use it as a gauge for what someone cares about. We believe knowing what someone does gives us this insight into their world.
Oh, you’re a pharmaceutical sales rep? You’re probably an extrovert and love the great benefits. Oh, you’re a jazz singer? You probably have a half drank a bottle of champagne and a wheel of brie cheese in your fridge that you take a slice off after your show gets out at 4 am.
But next time you ask someone what they do… why don’t you also ask them “why” they do it? It’s a nice refreshing approach to the question. You’ll actually get in touch with the deeper root of why they do what they do and what it means to them.
Also, if they don’t really like what they do… they may even share something else they really like or actually have passion for. A conversation about someone’s passion, even if you can’t connect to it yourself, will never be boring.
My brother asked his peer this question and saw him light up. He opened up that it’s been a childhood dream of his to become a firefighter and he’s finally getting to live his dream.
Why someone does what they do holds so much more meaning than what it is they actually do.
Asking someone “why” is one of the easiest ways to get them to open up about their core values. You’ll get to understand why they’re choosing to show up, or why something is important to them.
2.) Highlight someone’s strengths before diving into challenges.
My brother wanted to engage in a conversation about the challenges this person was facing in the training program. But before discussing the challenges, I offered he should highlight the strengths of his teammate. It’s so easy for us all to want to dive into the nitty-gritty of the negative, because that’s what we’re noticing more of.
But what strengths are they exhibiting in the face of their challenges? Shine some light on what’s working before diving into what could use some love or much-needed attention. They probably already know what their weaknesses are. Some people don’t, and sometimes I wish I could join them in the bliss of denial or ignorance.
But we rarely validate others for the things they do that are working. And even if someone seems like a total lost cause, there’s a small sliver of something they’re doing right. Shine light on that small sliver.
Remind someone that you’re witnessing them show up for themselves and for their team. Remind someone that you’re noticing how they’re showing up in the face of adversity and new challenges.
3.) Bring up your own challenges first.
Another tip, before you bring up someone else’s challenges, share one of your own. I told my brother if he were to share something that challenged him, it might put his new crew member at ease. To know Mr. Hollywood (his nickname) isn’t perfect and deals with this own fear.
If you let your own guard down first, the chances of someone else doing it are much greater. Obviously, it’s no guarantee, but what do you have to lose. Being vulnerable first is giving someone the option to meet you there.
4.) Ask someone if you can help or support them.
Every human wants community. If they have it, they appreciate it. If they don’t, they crave it. The same goes for support. How can you offer that to others? How can you give them that gift and create that space?
Show them support and understanding and focus on team-building Ask how can you help them? Ask in what ways they could use your support? Sometimes we don’t know how to build a connection or provide it. It takes vulnerability, no fear of rejection, and acute self-awareness.
A lady let me go ahead of her in line the other day, and it took me by surprise. I wasn’t in a very good mood, and her willingness to wait a few extra moments to save me some time genuinely lifted my mood. And, sure, it’s not like we exchanged numbers, but there was a moment of connection shared. She even asked me to share a good deed or moment of kindness with someone else. To spread it, because it’s contagious, just like negativity is. Which one would you rather share and spread?
Final Thoughts
Think about the quality of your life and your relationships. How would they improve if you focused on creating a deeper connection?
What about all the strangers you’re surrounded by every day? How can they benefit from you opting to spend a moment of life with them? Rather than ignoring each other and pretending we’re all not sharing the same moment in time?
How can you support your co-workers, your partner, or family members? How can you support or help a stranger?
How can you be vulnerable and share your full solid self at a party and get others to meet you there?
Connection is something we all crave and all notice when we don’t have enough of it in our lives.
Challenge yourself to be the king or queen of connection this week. Especially at a time when we all need it most. When we could all use a reminder that we’re on the same team after all. Embrace the significance of connection and choose to be the one to create it.
Maddie is a writer, certified coach, and voice-over artist. Self-declared boxed wine aficionado.
