4 Golden Rules to Overcome Jealousy

Tackle the green-eyed monster in you

“Check out how much I made this month.”

There was this guy, flaunting his successful Medium stats in a Facebook group. If his writing could grow biceps, this was it. No wonder he wanted to let people drool over. The screenshot he attached spoke for his claims: his views for the month had swelled, and so did the money it churned. I promptly reacted with a heart sign, read through other comments that mostly said “awesome” and smiled at his success. Truth be told, I did it all with a hint of jealousy.

Those were the numbers I wanted, the dreams I often nursed, and someone is walking them before my eyes. What would I not trade for a piece of that! The poor guy, though, had no intention to rub my nose into his win, he was only trying to educate that it is indeed possible to milk money out of Medium. I was being the quintessential bigot.

An hour later, here I am, sitting with my iPad, summoning my skills to etch my new Medium article. In the last sixty minutes, I took three steps in the right direction.

1. I remembered all the stuff I learned about countering jealousy.
2. I decided to compile those lessons into a new article.
3. I didn’t sit there with my newfound wisdom, but took my iPad and started moving along.

I remembered. I decided. I started.

My actions in the past hour hold some definite insight into tackling the feeling of being jealous. And now, I am going to tell you exactly how to overcome it.

Jealousy is a form of hatred built upon insecurity.

Why do you feel Jealous?

The guy better dressed than you, the girl prettier than you, the neighbour driving a Bentley, the tall-thin friend who went popular on TV- there are a million sources that can transform you into the green-eyed monster.

Inadvertently, you chose to believe that the causes lie outside you. And it makes sense you thought so, because deep within, you know that you are a kind, empathetic person. You couldn’t stand the story of your pal’s tragic loss; the movie Castaway had you shedding tears to a pillow, and there are plenty more instances of you seeking a cathartic vent. You don’t unnecessarily cast aspersions on a successful person. So, you thought, jealousy is a product of reasons lying beyond you.

But believe me, when I say, the causes for your envy are within you, not outside. They are often a result of your insecurities, and you should keep it on a tight leash.

Here are Four Golden tips for dealing with your bitterness.

Improve Your Mental and Physical Image

In my article Can Men and Women be Just Friends?, I had explained how the feelings of ‘lacking’ something or a psychological ‘deficiency’ can drive you into the arms of another person. The theory works here too.

If you create a personal reality of you ‘not being good enough,’ be it physically or mentally, you are on a one-way trip to doom.

Once this vicious concept has taken a first-row seat in your mind, literally anything happening around would drive you crazy. With such low-perception of yourself, anybody would look daunting and threatening and way above you. It’s about time you improved your Mental or physical image.

How to improve your mental and physical image?

For starters, I suggest you start a gratitude journal. Jot down all the points you are thankful for. Start making a habit of reading them through and get in tune with the idea that you are not the chosen ‘unfortunate’ one. If you are concerned that your train of success is retarding, fire it up with proper fuel. Start making clear cut strategies to improve the specific areas where you feel you are lacking.

Often a single-point resentment like “Oh! this guy speaks better English” or “he got bigger muscles” has solutions if you are willing to invest time and energy. You never had a problem with the other guy being fluent or pumped up; it’s just that you feel you are no match to him. Perhaps you aren’t. Think of your envy as messages from your subconscious to get the better out of you and start taking defining action.

2. Stop Comparing, Will You?

At the core of envy is comparisons. If you were a loner on the planet, chances are good that you would have never known what jealousy felt like. Discontent arises once you start weighing your accomplishments with peers. It gets worse if you have the habit of gauging success by counting material possessions. A guy with three cars > guy with two cars > guy with one car > guy with no car is the sorta simpleton naivety that propels feelings of grudge. Once you stop this mind’s chatter, this fiendish routine of measuring everything, you will achieve clarity.

Understand what success means, and you will stop comparing.

Have you seen instances of rich and successful actors falling for depression? Attempting suicide? If success was about being tall, thin, rich, and famous, how did these people end up in such tragedy?

No, success is not about any of that. In fact, there are no standard thresholds you can point your fingers at and say “look! you cross that mark, and you can call yourself successful”. Success is personal. It’s about the substantial goals you set for yourself and how you reach there, mazing through many impediments.

As long as you are given the raw materials, which are proper mental and physical faculties to attain your goals, you have no reason to complain. There are people like Stephen Hawking, who worked within their limits to scale great heights. So if you start comparing, remember that the only valid comparison is comparing with who you were yesterday. Make incremental progress towards your goals with each passing day.

3. Do Not Let People Rush You With Their Timelines

Look around, and you will see minors leaving TV reality shows with heaps of money, more fame than one could ever hope to achieve, and earning a following that didn’t even exist in our wildest dreams.

It doesn’t matter what your achievements are, there will always be someone on this planet, who accomplished more in less time. If you let your peace and focus be swayed by the wind of their roaring success, you are only making things difficult.

How to ignore other timelines?

People growing up in different places, under different circumstances have different challenges to face. I bet there are excellent musicians in North Korea, who can compose tunes that the whole world will dance to, but only can’t because of the hostile territory they were born into. In my article Millenials Versus Old Generation: What the New Kids Need to Learn From their Predecessors, I explained the kinda challenges my father would have had to face in the 1960s, to understand the meaning of an English word. Given an internet connection and a computer, it’s possible that he could have created the most successful Medium profile(if it existed) during that time. But none of it was alive back then.

The takeaway is that you have to reconcile with the idea that people face different obstacles. Therefore, the fact that someone did something in a certain amount of time doesn’t put you in a situation where you have to do it faster.

For the better part of my life, I struggled to grapple with this concept. I was often rushed to match peers for peers. Still, once I internalized the need to forget other people’s timelines, there was an inexplicable calmness I felt through my veins.

4. Conquer Fear and Insecurities

If you are jealous that someone is smiling at your girlfriend, you are probably worried that the person will usurp your position in her life. Your resentment has nothing to do with your girlfriend or the other guy, but it’s a reflection of how insecure you feel. Such negative feelings you have ostracized from your conscious mind would continue to operate from the depths of your subconscious mind and make you feel miserable.

How to Overcome Fear and Insecurities?

If the situation involves another person, like your girlfriend here, for instance, it’s a good idea to go and open up your feelings. If it bothers you that you are running the risk of letting your lover see through your charade of confidence, all I can say is that if she can’t accept you for what you are, she is probably not worth having in your life.

But when insecurities pop up in other areas of life, like your junior securing promotion in your office or doing better in team meetings, talking might not be an option. On such occasions, instead of going all curses and blames, you have to be realistic and see if there is room for improvement. In fact, bringing about external changes is an essential step in dealing with envy.

So, if you are lacking core skills, acquire them, and match your peers. If you honestly believe that your colleague’s promotion was undeserved, make sure you open up about it, but not in an explosive or insulting manner. Anger and talking down about others is an indication that you are driven by bitterness. Stand up for your rights and be assertive in a modest fashion.

CONCLUSION

To sum up, when you start believing in yourself and develop confidence, jealousy begins to fade. It’s no shame to be envious, all of us have issues to sort out. There is a lot of bravery in admitting that you have problems and taking positive steps to tackle them. If you choose to ignore the problems and do nothing about it, with time, you will genuinely be the green-eyed monster you don’t want to live with. You don’t want that to happen, do you?

So after an hour later, I am looking at that Facebook screenshot again. The guy made close to 2000 dollars, and Yes, I hope I had the same success as he did, if not better, but hey, who is stopping me? I have already got this article, and a few more in the pipeline and not too far in the future, I am also posting some screenshots!