4 Deadly Vehicular Species on American Roadways
Pickups, SUV’s, Sedans, and Clown Cars
by Phil Truman, BS, MON, DMV, THC, ROI, LMAO, et al.
On the vast range of the American roadway system four hierarchical vehicular species roam. The vehicles are machines, but it was found they take on the personality characteristics of their operators in traffic settings. We will discuss those species, and some of their sub-species, here.
The area of this study was conducted in Oklahoma, where the primary researcher resides. The sample taken was tens of thousands over a twenty-year period. The findings may not represent all areas within the national roadway system but should be pretty dang close.
In the study area, it was found that 89% of the non-commercial vehicles on the road were pickups. SUV’s followed at 9%. The remaining 1% were sedans (0.6%), and clown cars (0.4%).
Author’s Note: I am in the 0.6%. I drive a nine-year-old white (its color, not its race) American-made Japanese brand sedan. It is very ordinary, very sensible, very comfortable, very reliable, very boring, very paid for. Plus, it only has 100,000 miles.
The automobile’s major drawback is its sunroof. I hate sunroofs. You see, I am 6'2" so with a sunroof, I cannot wear my MAGA/Cowboys/John Deere/Tesla ball cap or my Stetson while driving. And I rarely open the stupid thing. In these parts, there are only about twelve days out of the year where it is not too hot or too cold to make it worthwhile. Then there is the wind noise. At 70 mph it sounds like Air Force One on take-off inside the car. Twenty years ago I would have said it also messes up my hair, but I cannot say that today. However, I can wear my ball cap.
Pickupum Giganticus
These vehicles come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes, as do their operators. Generally speaking, the preferred sizes are huge and extra-huge. Some have a roof clearance of over eight feet with tires the size of baby elephants. Finding oneself between two of these in a parking lot is like being a honeybee flanked by two Murder Hornets. It’s theorized that the size is inversely proportional to the operator’s lack of it, but further studies need to be done. Most operators can be identified by their thick arms and chest, body art, facial hair and Under Armor t-shirts. Head hair is optional, necks are metaphorically red. The majority of pickups are well-appointed, clean and shiny. A great number of operators are suburban dwellers who have no need nor intent to haul things. Their main uses are for intimidation and show. They are the main instigators of road rage. Most pickups and their operators ignore the speed limit signs in favor of greater speed, believing it is their inalienable right.
SUVsium Mommaii
Sport Utility Vehicles or SUV’s are the 21st Century’s answer to the 20th Century’s station wagons on steroids. These are cousins to the Pickup. The main difference is the makers of SUV’s took a pickup chassis and shoved a modified sedan body on it. They did this because they were missing out on a big market — women.
Female operators still want to keep the style and intimidation factors, but without the faux-hauling aspect. That is because female operators actually do a lot of hauling — kids, car seats, hockey sticks, shoulder pads, baby crap (literally and figuratively), helmets, soccer balls, ice chests, more baby crap, groceries, hundreds of shoes, science projects, potted plants, Hobby Lobby stuff. They need the modified sedan body in order to cram several younglings into the seats, whether their own, others, or a combination of both. They are not as threatening on the roadways as pickups, but can be equally dangerous.
They will not attack you like pickups do, but may unintentionally swerve into you when their operator is trying to smack two squabbling siblings behind her or while texting the suicide hotline. Also, like their relatives the pickups, they are no fun to park between with a sedan. This researcher finds it is not unlike being in a Japanese tugboat between two Nimitz class aircraft carriers. SUV’s and their operators also laugh at speed limits, but more likely they will get you with the Mom Swerve.
Senioreum Sedanicus
Four door sedans are the least egregious of the vehicle species on the modern roadway for two reasons: they are fewer in number and are driven by old people. Old people prefer the sedan because entrance and egress are easier for them than from pickups or SUV’s. And while the bigger vehicles will give older operators a false sense of power and superiority like their younger counterparts, sedans are much easier to park. That is not to say older operators won’t take up two parking spaces with their sedans, which they often do, but in pickups or SUV’s they are more likely to back over a random shopper, despite having a backup camera. Sedans have backup cameras, too, but your typical senior operator will not look at it, instead relying on the tried and true method of having the potential runoveree pound their trunk lid and swear at them.
Sedans — usually a white or gray or that insipid green — are not normally dangerous in and of themselves, but can cause chaos when they trundle down the left passing lane with their right blinker on. This is especially true when pickups or SUV’s come upon them. Pickups will usually run up on the bumper of a left-lane sedan, but that only makes the sedans slow down further. This causes increased horn honking, swearing, and hand gesturing by the pickup operators. The SUV moms are more passive aggressive, preferring to pull alongside the turtle-ish sedans and show them their cell phones. The implied threat of a Mom Swerve will accelerate even the slowest moving sedan. It has been reported, but not verified, some of these vehicles move so slowly even the Amish honk at them.
Clownidum Carcus
Although the least prevalent Vehicular species, Clown Cars represent the greatest danger on American roadways. Initially designed for the Woke community to use for skittering around in urban areas, they are rarely seen venturing onto freeways. But when they do, they present a high potential to be squashed like a bug on a bumper.
Pickups and SUV’s are dangerous but at least you can see them. Clown cars are the sub-compacts of sub-compacts. They are basically golf carts with a speedometer. One version has been labelled “The Smart Car” but that is not based in reality. It is rather a marketing spin, a ploy to cover up a dumb idea, much like the old TV commercials where “doctors” recommended certain brands of cigarettes. Even Dumb and Dumber would not drive a Smart Car. Other makes of Clown Cars are bigger, but all of them are road gnats. No doubt they have the least impact on the environment, except when their remains have to be cleaned up after a crash which resembles the remains of a stepped-on cockroach; therefore, they could also be termed as road cockroaches.
There is a branch of the Clown Car tree known as the sports or hot car. These belong in the Clown Car family not because of their size, but because of their operators. They are cheap knock-offs (relatively speaking) to the sleek European sports cars and NASCAR race cars. They make a lot of noise like steroidal farting and go quite fast, which seems to delight their Millennial, Gen Z, and middle-aged operators all of whom are male.
Conclusion
American vehicle species are constantly evolving. In the early part of the 21st Century, the four discussed in this paper are the most prevalent. Although promised fifty years ago in Popular Science and Popular Mechanics magazines, once flying cars become a reality, several new species will emerge. Self-driving vehicles, on the other hand, may prove to be the great equalizer in operator and, subsequently, vehicular behavior.
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